All Publicity Is Good Publicity

It was awesome to see this photo on the front page of the St. Cloud Times sports section.Cullen and Tainter, off the front, digging deep. Very cool. Read the accompanying article here.

This race got a ton of local press, including pre-race coverage and race-day details. One article even prompted a commenter to declare "as silly as they look in their shorts, and femmy shirts, at least they semi-follow traffic rules when i see them using the roads our vehicle taxs pay for.". Great! I think...

There was also a second post-race article.

And then there's this photo:

You've gotta admit, that is really bad ass. As unfortunate as this crash was, everyone who has seen this photo has said something to the effect of, "Man, I didn't realize cycling was so hardcore." Hardcore, indeed. When was the last time someone saw you in spandex and remarked about what a bad-ass you are? The times, they are a-changin'.

Big props to the promoters of this race for bringing so much attention to the local cycling scene. And props to Lance (he's the one laying on the road) and Erik (the one using Lance as a ramp), for increasing our street cred. Heal up fast, guys.

Adventures In Lawn Care

I've been a bit negligent of my lawn as of late. When I originally got injured, my wife was doing all the mowing. She must have recently decided that I was healed enough to start mowing but failed to inform me of this fact, because our lawn was out of control! All the rain and heat we've been having lately only exacerbated the problem.

Did I mention that the grass is wet, too? Apparently the tall grass provides enough shade from the sun that water from the rain and sprinklers never really evaporates. Since our crappy push mower would have choked and died on all this tall, wet grass I asked Ted if I could borrow their riding mower.

Another interesting tidbit: foot-tall grass is able to conceal a lot of things I forgot were there. I almost immediately happened upon our dog's tie-out.

Thank goodness for quality cable-cutters, or I never would have gotten that fucking thing untangled.

After I got that straightened out, it became apparent that the bagger on the lawn mower was going to be useless. The tube leading from the chute to the bag kept getting plugged up. It was quite frustrating, and my fingernails were turning green.

I finally decided to remove the bagger and just shoot the clippings out the side of the mower, let them dry for a while, then drive back over them later with the bagger to bag them up. You know what they say about the best-laid plans, right?

Everything was going great. I had just finished mowing and was about to hook up the bagger when the mower belt snapped (that's the thing that makes the blades go roundy-round). Son of a bitch! I tried two hardware stores and neither had the correct belt, it was starting to get dark out, and my lawn looked like I was preparing to bail hay. Wonderful.

To top it off, the mower has hit so many rocks in its lifetime that it no longer cuts evently, so even after all that, it still looked like shit.

My only option was to get out the push mower to clean up all the clippings. The bag on this mower is so small that I had to empty it after almost every single swath through the yard. I wasn't even able to do any additional mowing to level out the uneven-ness because the mower deck had to be on its highest setting in order to suck up the giant rows of clippings. Any lower and it just pushed them around.

4.5 hours later, I have lawn that still looks like shit, but is now shorter.

Kristin says I get to mow again tomorrow.

Octane

This is the second summer that I've been the semi-proud owner of this sexy beast of a boat. Prior to that, it belonged to my father-in-law, so this burnt-orange beauty has been a part for my life for about 6 years. In that time, it has never run properly. Ever. I mean, shit, the thing is from 1978, unlike me, boats don't get awesomer as they approach 30 (I am awesome, right? I thought so.).

Anyway.

We put a fair amount of money into the boat last fall in order to get it running in tip-top shape. This included, but was not limited to, having the carb rebuilt and replacing a motor seal that had been chewed through by a rodent. Fucking rodents.

It was running a bit better, but nothing significant. It was still hard to start. Once running, if I gave it too much gas, it would sputter and die, especially on take-off. This was particularly annoying when pulling a skier or wakeboarder, because the take-off speed was weak as fuck.

So I did was I do best. I read stuff on the internet. There were lots of suggestions, most of them stupid, but one stood out in my mind: older motors weren't designed to run on ethanol-blended oxygenated gasoline. The answer? Stop being such a cheap bastard at the pump. Shit, it's worth a try, right?

It cost me a whopping $3 extra to fill the tank with Premium 91-Octane gas. That, combined with a few minutes of playing around with the carb adjustments (and I do mean "playing around". I had no fucking clue what I was doing) has my boat running like brand spankin' new. w00t!

All this time the problem was the damn gas.

It turns out a boat is just like a woman. Feed her high-octane alcohol and she'll perform like a champ. That analogy comes courtesy of Franz, who's proving that people can continue to increase their awesomeness well into their 40's.

I think I'll start docking it at Lake Minnetonka. People will think I'm cool because my boat is retro. Don't argue with me. It'll work.

Gary

This random dog showed up and has been hanging out with us all day. No clue where he came from. Max named him Gary.

UPDATE: We found his owners. He belongs to a gay couple down the road, and his real name is Riley.

Great Success!

I just learned that my new tent is about 98% waterproof!

Hula!

If you looks at the pictures back-and-forth really quick, it looks like he's hula-ing in real time.

Not really, but I bet you tried it, didn't you?

It's Probably Time To Mow

It looks like a damn hay field!

Texts From Last Night

I was recently turned on to TextsFromLastNight.com. It's quite amusing, so I thought I'd share a real-life text conversation (textversation?) I had last night with my cousin.

cousin: So i got good news and i got bad news today

me: OK.

cousin: I got laid the other night... Thats the good news

[Now, this particular cousin is not someone who has this experience often, so I can see why he was eager to share...I just would have preferred he share it sometime, I dunno...NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT?]

Anyway...

me: Congrats, I think.

cousin: Ya except... I dont remember shit i was to fuckin wasted my friend who walked in and said hand check and we didn't resond...Told me bout it after i told him i woke up smellin like sex and wondered why

me: What's the bad news?

cousin: I dont remember shit

me: Well that's a sticky wicket.

cousin: ya id do her sober so thats not the bad part...I just wish i remembered

cousin: Better news is im drunk and drinkin with her again

me: Yet you're still texting me?

I didn't receive any more texts after that, so he must have realized that his energy could have been better spent on better endeavors.

I have also received late-night texts from this individual explaining how difficult it is to climb down a ladder with clenched butt-cheeks. I have no idea...

Hardcore

We totally tore up the Cul-Du-Sacs in our neighborhood!

Extreme Eating

My co-workers have been planning for weeks to take on the Monster Burger at McCann's. It's a 2 lb burger with cheese, bacon, onion rings, BBQ sauce, a few other things, plus enough fries that it totals out to be exactly 5 pounds of food.

Our two mighty munchers took significantly different approaches to the challenge. Jeremy was dismissive and cocky, while Ben was intimidated and did loads of research. Based upon their attitudes, it was pretty much unanymously agreed upon that Jeremy would have no problem, while Ben would fail miserably.

The food was served on a shovel, and Jeremy was prepared.

They were hard at work, knowing they only had one hour to finish 5 pounds of greasy food

Ben read about some stretching techniques online. He looked just as stupid as you'd think he would.


At about the 30 minute mark, Jeremy gave up with roughly half his food left.

Ben persisted, alternating eating and stretching. In the final 10 minutes, he slowed to a crawl, and the waitress showed up to inform him that his time was up.

He finished everything except his fries.

Both culinary competitors agreed that "it's the fries" that did them in. It had to be like 8 potatoes. Rough.

They are both in a world of pain right now!

Awsum!

I skipped out of work a bit early yesterday, convinced Max that he wanted to skip his baseball game, and we all headed out to the lake. We pretty much had the entire lake to ourselves.

Both kids went tubing, and I was actually able to wakeboard, though it was a pretty uneventful run. I didn't realize how out of shape I'd gotten until I had to drop after only one length of the lake. My hip held up well, but is a bit sore today. Baby steps.

I was originally planning to attempt my first outdoor bike ride today, but I don't do well with heat. Though I'd probably be fine for the 15 minutes I'm actually able to pedal.

In other news, I've been sleeping like shit lately. I used to be able to sleep for-freakin'-ever without waking up at all, and now I wake up 4-5 times each night, for no apparent reason. Well, I guess there is one reason. At around 3:30AM, I can expect Addison to wake up screaming. About a month ago, she was awakened by a moth landing on her face. Now she's deathly afraid that it will happen again. During the day? She's the sweetest kid in the world. In the middle of the night? Wanna sell her to the gypsies. But I digress...

Anyway, this lack of sleep has made me very tired and unmotivated during the daytime hours. I gotta figure this shit out. Maybe I need a new bed or something.

I Don't Get It...

I'm now 100% convinced that movie critics are idiots. I watched "The Wrestler" this weekend and I just don't get it. "Exposes the seedy underbelly of professional wrestling". Um, no. He gets drunk once. He takes pain pills twice. He goes to a strip club thrice. OMG, WHAT A TERRIBLE EXISTENCE! Are you kidding me?

How is this guy any different than the millions of other has-beens who can't let go of the past? The "cool kids" from high school who still live in their parents' basements, working the same job, listening to the same music, clinging to their glory days?

Yeah yeah yeah, so the film mirrors Micky Rourke's real-life comeback attempt. Woah. Deep.

Marisa Tomei naked? Now there's a concept I can get behind. Not literally. Well, yeah, literally I guess, but...oh, nevermind. Boobies.

So, there you have it. My deep thoughts for the weekend. Riveting stuff, I know.

We spent all weekend out at the lake doing all sorts of really fun shit. Several hours were devoted to getting my pimpin' 1978 boat ready for the year.

After that, we grilled chicken, took the kids tubing, and watched movies. Next day, pretty much the same thing, but substitute "chicken" with "burgers". There ya have it. Oh, and throw some fishing in there. Very unsuccessful fishing.

Yesterday we actually got up and went boating in the rain. It was great to have the whole lake to ourselves. The boat needed a good cleaning, anyway.

Last night was my Fathers Day dinner of parmesan-crusted salmon and garlic-mashed potatoes. We had peanut butter cheesecake brownies for dessert. I destroyed that shit. I could hardly move afterwards.

I got a new tent from my family, so I guess we're going camping this summer. All of us. In a tent. Joy!

It didn't take long for the kids to get into their Summer Schedule. They're both up until 10-11 every night and sleep until 9-10 every morning. I've had to start setting my alarm for work, because I can no longer count on the kids waking me up in time! Slackers...

Multitasking

She's playing Monster Jam on PS2. Poorly. While cuddling her puppy and singing Wiggles songs.

Go Diego Go!

There's a kid on Max's baseball team named Diego. Every time he is up to bat, all the kids yell "Go Diego, go!" just like on the TV show. Being unable to restrain myself, I always yell "Vamos Diego, vamos", to the glares of other parents. Fuck them.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to figure out why parents get into fights at little league games. It's not because they get caught up in the competition, it's because other parents are so fucking annoying...it's all I can do not to freak on them.

So here's how it works: this is a league for 6-8 year-olds. These kids suck at baseball. Each team has a couple 8-year-old ringers, but other than that it's like a damn circus out there. I'd guess that about 90% of the kids hit the ball right back to the pitcher's mound. So, if a team wanted to be assholes, they could put their two ringers at pitcher and 1st base, then proceed to get 90% of the batters out. Little kid baseball teams wouldn't do that though, would they? You bet! The team we played against last night did just that, and all the while this fat bitch behind me kept saying, really loudly, "Oh my gracious, our team is just SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIRS. It's almost embarrassing!". She said it no less that 15 times. "Oh, I'm so glad Matthew isn't on that team" (followed by a hearty guffaw and, I assume, an mental high-five).

I finally turned around and said, "Your team isn't any better, you just happen to keep your two best players in the key positions. Hey, isn't that your son out there in right field playing with blades of grass?" She took great offense to this, though all the other parents were nodding in approval. Ugh.

All the other teams we've played against rotate positions so all the kids get the different experiences. Fuck, they don't even keep score! Why screw over the other 10 kids on the team so the coach and parents can feel good about themselves and reinforce the skills of the 2 kids who already know how to play?

Isn't it supposed to be fun? How much fun is little Matthew having with those blades of grass? Not nearly as much fun as Fatty McTripleChin is having thinking that "her team" is superior. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Hurts So Good

I'm the only person I know who looks forward to DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness). I am smitten with it. I am enamored with it. If I'm not sore for 2-3 days after a hard gym workout, I feel like I didn't push myself hard enough.

I love being sore from a hard workout. It reminds me how hard I worked. It makes me feel like I accomplished something. It...uh...makes me walk funny (stupid squats).

I've been back to lifting for just over a week now, and my whole body is on fire: shoulders, chest, back, triceps, abs, hamstrings...all killing me! What a glorious feeling!

Now that I've starting eating right and lifting again, I've put a couple pounds back on, which is comforting. I felt like I was shriveling up like a supermodel!

Overcompensation?

A jumbo motorhome towing a tiny Scamp camper. Why?

Tiger Tiger Woods, Y'all

If you hadn't figured it out from the videos I posted yesterday, we were at a wedding this weekend. My co-worker got married up in Bemidji. It was the most fun I've had at a wedding in a loooooong time! No kids meant that we got to act like kids. I even danced, though I'm pretty sure there's no video evidence.

I also met an Indian (Native American?) named Conrad who wouldn't stop hugging me and telling me congratulations. Not my wedding, dude. Anyway, a few hours later, I ran into him in the bathroom and noticed that he left without washing his hands. The hugs ceased at that point.

It was rough getting out of bed on Sunday morning, but we managed to get checked out of the hotel almost on time (after housekeeping knocked on the door), then we went mini-golfing. I won by like 8 strokes, because I'm a phenomenal golfer (clearly).

If you look closely at that photo, you'll see what appears to be a cock in the background. Apparently, it was supposed to be a sombrero. Yeah, ok.

Then we went and ate lunch at a rooftop restaurant overlooking the lake. For being such a shithole, Bemidji sure was fun.

This whole "not riding" thing has kind of been a blessing in disguise. My life is a lot less stressful, I have more time and energy for my family, and I can pound booze whenever I feel like it.

See Brett Dance...

Brett told us he wasn't going to dance at his wedding...


I have no clue WTF Ben was doing here. He requested the Pink Panther song, then did this:

New Road Wheels

Brain laced these up for me, and they came out even better than I expected!

The front weighs 670 grams...

...and the rear weighs 830 grams, for a total of 1500 grams for the set.

I'm sure Luke is piss-his-pants excited to glue these up for me!

Kid Party At Space Aliens

Last year we had Max's kid party at our house. That sucked.

This year we went to Space Aliens, which was much better.

The kids kind of group together and travel as a pack, so it was kind of like have one really really loud kid who burns through game tokens at an alarming rate. Of course, there's always one who disappears, but he came back eventually.

The only downside was that they fed us the most awful-tasting cupcakes I've ever had. Life could be worse.

Birthday Boy

Today is Max's 7th birthday, and he's finally big enough to ride on the motorcycle with me.

I bought him this helmet and picked him up at school. He was pumped.

He was even more pumped when we set up his new trampoline.

Then we fried shrimp and homemade donuts.

I even let him stay up late and watch The Simpsons. Mom was unimpressed.

Because It's Cheaper Than Buying New Pants

It's now been 7 weeks since I started living The Good Life. You know, that life where I can't actually do anything? Yeah, that one. In that time, I've lost a significant amount of muscle mass. No worries, though...I've replaced it with fat! Yes, folks, I'm becoming a fat American.

Here's the problem, though. I have some really expensive pants that don't fit me anymore due to my atrophied ass. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a cheap bastard, so I've decided it's time to start workout out again. I'm currently holding at 191 pounds, and I think I need to get up to around 195 and trim off about 4% of my body fat. Dropping the fat is going to be the hardest part at this point, due to the fact that I can't really do much cardio (combined with a weakness for chicken nuggets and Oreos).

I've done some sporadic gym workouts the past couple weeks, but nothing consistent or serious. Last night I was actually able to deadlift for the first time since my crash. I couldn't get the bar all the way to the floor, but I was close. It's a start.

I've never been good at doing something just for the sake of doing it...I need a goal. I'm not entirely sure what my goal will be at this point, but I'll figure something out. It was suggested by a co-worker that I start training to become a cage fighter. He was serious.

I'll figure something else out.

Kids Are Funny

The other day, my 3-year-old daughter had just gotten pig-tails put in her hair prior to going to gymnastics. It was super adorable.

I said, "Aw, Max, doesn't your little sister look cute?"

To which he replied, "I've seen hotter."

First Little League Game

Max had his first "real" little league game last night. When they first started playing, pretty much every kid got on base due to errors. I was wondering how they were ever going to get three outs. Luckily, they just batted once through the line-up and changed sides.

Here's Max out in left field. I captured him at one of the few moments he appeared to be paying attention to the game, and not dancing around or playing with blades of grass.

"I got mad at the ball, dad"
Here he is on first base. His shirt is just a bit too big.
Before tonight's game I need to go buy him a batting helmet. I figure not having to use the "community" helmets could help reduce the incidence of creepy crawlers in his hair. We had lice come home with him once, and I'm none too keen on dealing with that again!

I've mentioned before that there's one kid on his team (coach's kid, of course) who is roughly 800 times better than anyone else. He seemed to be getting a bit frustrated. I don't blame him.

Max is really progressing nicely. He's gotten a lot more aggressive in all aspects of the game. It's nice to see. He's still not a very good sport, though. NO CLUE where he gets that from!

Celebrating My Promotion

I even broke out the good tequila!

Weekend Recap

Friday night was "date night". We got a babysitter and headed to the mall. I've been wearing the same clothes for the last 4-5 years, so I needed some new shirts. We looked at pretty much every store in the mall and couldn't find anything. Then I hit the mother load at Target. Yeah, I was surprised, too.

Then we went to Ciatti's for dinner. I had two girly martinis. Oh, and some food, too.

Finally, we went to see The Hangover. Easily the funniest movie I've seen since Superbad. It was fucking hilarious. Srsly.

Saturday was Max's birthday party out at Grandma's lake. Since it was 50 degrees and raining, it ended up just being "party and Grandma's house". He got a Nintendo DS, and hasn't put it down since. I despise the Pokemon game.  It is teh suck.

That night, we watched Run Fat Boy, Run. While I was stoked pumped to see David Schwimmer's directorial debut...It sucked. "British Comedy" is totally an oxymoron. Or maybe I'm just unrefined. Either way.

Yesterday we cleaned the house in the morning, then had some friends over for dinner. I made my specialty margaritas. They were delicious.

After our friends left, I went over to Franz's house to watch some Ultimate Fighting. Faber vs. Brown II was alright, but I don't think it was nearly as good as it could have been if Faber hadn't busted his hand in the first round. He would have smoked Mike Brown.

That is all.

I Drink What I Wanna Drink, Dammit

Google Advertising FAIL

I received an e-mail about some black-and-white family photos I had taken a while back, and this is what GMail decided to display in my sidebar:

What? People actually photograph those things???

Nothing To See Here

[Note, part of this is boring, but I promise it gets interesting toward the end. Don't give up on me!]

For every person who says "the pictures of your hip are sooooo GROSS!", there are two who say "I miss the weekly photo of your injury."

Well, there really isn't anything to show at this point. Yeah, it's still a bit lumpy, but there's no discoloration and I can wear normal pants now. I've even been doing 5-10 minute spins on my ergo. I still get pretty sore after any sort of activity, but at least it's no longer restricting my everyday tasks.

I thought things were going well until the rest of my body started falling apart. The last two weeks have been absolutely miserable for allergies. I'm the king of phlegm! All I've wanted to do lately is sleep. I've just recently developed seasonal allergies, and I always thought people who bitched about them were just pansies. Feeling like shit all day sure takes a lot out of you (me).

Once I finally got my allergies under control, I got some sort of infection thing. I called the clinic to make and appointment to get some antibiotics. They didn't have any appointments available, but said if I showed up they could fit me in. I arrived, and was immediately ushered into a room. So far so good. Then, a tap on the door, and in walks THE VERY SAME DOCTOR WHO PERFORMED MY FIRST (of 2) VASECTOMY. I explained what was going on and he prescribed an antibiotic call Cipro. I went to Walgreens to pick it up, and the pharmacist calls me over for a "consultation". He explains that Cipro has been linked to tendon ruptures, and that I should be very careful while I'm on it. This was mildly concerning, but I took one tablet anyway.

Once I got to work, I started searching teh internets about Cipro. THOUSANDS of horror stories. Tendons snapping, neurological issues, and vision distortion were the main issues. Many of the side affects were permanent.

I called the doctor and said that I didn't feel comfortable taking this medication, but he assured me that it was safe. At that point I went into the bathroom and noticed that I was starting to get hives on my face. I immediately called the doctor and got another prescription, then headed home. On my way there, my feet started itching uncontrollably. By the time I got home, my hands and feet were both swollen and itching, and my face was all red and blotchy. I took a Benadryl and went to bed. When I woke up 2 hours later, the allergic reaction had subsided, but I was having severe stomach issues. I spent the rest of the night curled up in a ball on the couch.

Today? I feel perfectly fine.

Fuck, I just want to be 100% healthy again.

I'm Falling Apart

I just had an allergic reaction to antibiotics. I feel so incredibly lame.

FML.

Sad Day

I almost forgot to mention this.  OK, I didn't forget, I was just ashamed.

I was picked last in family kickball.  Even with my injury, I've gotta have more to offer a kickball team than my 8-year-old neice, right?  Right?  Max even told me right away that he was going to pick me next, then picked his cousin Sydney. 

I've never been picked last for anything in my life.  

I haz shame.

FML.

Radius

I realize I'm several days late, but I lost my camera so I had to search high and low to find it so I could post several crappy photos to go with this post. Probably not really worth it.  If you want to see photos that don't suck, go here.

The Radius event at the track on Sunday was awesome! The skies looked like they would let loose at any moment, but we were able to complete the entire event. Even the 4/5 field, which usually isn't very exciting to watch (sorry guys), was extremely competitive.

Since Ray can't be bothered to make the voyage to the white-trash haven that is Blaine, MN, I was acting as the race whip. I found that I really enjoy yelling at people. I also got to hold riders prior to their flying 200's. I found that I do not like being in that close of proximity to sweaty man-ass.

The team of Crosby/Kruse set the tone early with a time of 11.4 in the team flying 200. I think Franz had to change his chamois after that one, but he was able to regroup and, together with Alex Atherton, clocked the best time of the day at 11.2.

Next up was a tempo race, which was dominated by Crosby/Kruse, a trend that would continue for the rest of the event. It was after this race that the team of Masiulis/Jacobsen decided to drop out due to "being too shitty". Weak.

The 360 race is basically a 1.5-lap chariot. Crosby won the first heat, and Franz won the 2nd, both of them coming from 2nd position over the top in the backstretch to narrowly eek out the win.

The final "sprint" race of the evening was a Madison kilo. Crosby/Kruse won by around 6 seconds. It wasn't even close.

The final race of the night was an 80-lap madison. Several teams dropped out prior to this race, in which Crosby/Kruse put (I believe) 3 laps into the field. Dicks.

It was during the Madison that Smithers had his shoulder literally ripped from its socket by Linzilla's furious Madison throw and had to come of the track in an extreme amount of pain. T3 and I were the first ones to get there, and we kind of just stared at each other, not knowing what to do. So I did what any manly man would do in that situation: I freaked out for a few seconds, then yelled for Linsey. She came off the track and got the shoulder back into place within about 30 seconds. It's probably just another day at the office for her, but it impressed the hell outta me.

Here's the pics:

New road wheels. The are Franz's.  Mine will be ready soon (right, Brain????). Cane Creek 50mm carbon rims laced to Dura-Ace hubs with Sapim Cx-Ray spokes. Soon to have Vittoria Corsa Evo Cx tires glued on. Look out, Tuesday night group ride!
Crosby attacks in the tempo race.  Franz is about to blow sky-high.  It was estimated that he was lapped 17 times in this 20-lap race.
Skibby and his elbow took care of entertaining all 8 people in the stands.
Mad photography skillz
Crosby throws Kruse into the race.

I'm Handy

The other day, the boy child crashed and severed the cord for his cyclocomputer (following in my footsteps, *tear*). I fixed it with butt connectors. Now, not only does it look awesome, it...uh...hmm...I got nothin' else. I guess it just looks awesome.

Yesterday, a guy at work couldn't get the A/C in his car to work. I removed the condenser relay from under the hood, opened it up, fixed it, and replaced it. Unbelievebly, it freakin' worked! Clearly, I'm some sort of savant. Rainman, baby!

I'm so boring.

A Shitty Photo Of A Shitty Haircut