Blogging Hiatus

After nearly 1500 posts, I'm taking some time off. It may be a day. It may be a week. It may be forever. I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm just not into it anymore. I don't want this to be a "here's what I did last week" dump of recent events. No one gives a shit. I want to express my thoughts and feelings in a creative and entertaining way. I want to write about the funny and the ridiculous events in life. I'm simply not able to do that right now.

I want to tell you about how I failed miserably at trying to do my own taxes. I want to tell you about how I now have tubes in both of my tubeless wheels. I want to post a fashion show of my new clothes (shut up, you know you want to see it). I want to post about the giant stack of stripper and call-girl advertisements I collected. I want to post about how I gave myself a new nickname ("The Predicament"), but those cocksuckers at Saturday Night Live got to it before I did so I changed it to "The Quandry". I want to tell you about the time I was at a rave that got busted. I want to tell you about the time I burned off my eyebrows and half the hair on my head. I want to tell you about the time I got headbutted by some asshole named Ferrel. I want to tell you about the time I knocked myself out while shitting. About how much I enjoyed seeing Charles Barkley rapping. About how much I hate Justin Timberlake for forever ruining the Super Bowl halftime show. About the time Brain stole my clothes. About the time I melted fireworks to the roof of the house.

Even when I'm posting about my life, it seems that I for some reason skip the funny parts that I used to get so much enjoyment out of. It's become a chore to even upload photos.

I used to be entertaining (arguably). I don't feel that way anymore.

Maybe I've changed. Maybe my world has changed. I don't know. When I first started blogging I was at a job that didn't actually require to me work very hard, so I had extra time to think. I don't have that luxury anymore. I'm swamped at work and my kids keep me running around constantly. I'm not making excuses, I'm just sayin'.

Maybe this thing has just run it's course.

This is like the 3rd time I've quite blogging, and I've always come back before. Who knows. Keep me in your RSS readers.

Happy Birthday To Franz!

He's now officially in the 45-50 age group.

That is all.

MOA

I took part of the day off on Friday so we could take the kids to the Mall of America and play at Nickelodeon Universe. I was also in desparate need of some new shoes!

They went on some rides, which looked like fun.


Then Max decided he wanted to go on the Avatar Air Bender, and he freaked the fuck out, so we were done with rides for the day.
The thing was 70 feet high and way too intense. I was dizzy for like 2 hours afterwards.

Addi got to meet Spongebob

We then went to eat at Rainforest Cafe, which was delicious but expensive, and went to Underwater Adventure. We saw several sharks and singrays, one of which is kind of pictured here:
Oh, and I got some shoes
I'm pretty particular about the shoes I buy, mostly because I wear them for several years, but also because I have paddle-shaped feet. I used to buy Born brand shoes, but they changed their fit, so I bought some Merrell's, and they're super comfy.

I also saw one of my old high school classmates at Nordstrom's. He was out and proud. I always kinds figured.

New Laptop Fail

My new laptop already shit out on me. The monitor went berserk, so I have to wait another couple days for a new screen to show up. *Sigh*

I Rule

I'm the first one in my office to get Windows 7. This will certainly go smoothly...

New School

They're building a school in my neighborhood. Aside from the fact that a residential area is kind of a retarded place to build a school, I'm not looking forward to the increased traffic.

Boo.

Appreciating Bandit

This is Franz's dog, Bella.
We are dogsitting while Franz is away on what I can only assume is very important business. I love dogs and enjoy having them around, most of the time more than people, so it's fun to have her.

However, it has made me notice a few things about Bandit that I now appreciate more. Having a dog around who doesn't know you really highlights the rapport that dogs build with their owners.

For example, when I say "Let's go potty", Bandit runs to the door. Bella ran to her kennel to retrieve her chew toy. Then there was some doggy jealousy over said chew toy, but I digress.

Bandit can usually sense when I'm busy and leaves me alone. Today, Bella watched me shit. Twice.

Bandit is emotionally well-adjusted. Bella emptied her bladder on the floor when I bent down to give her a treat and startled her.

She's currently staring at me and whining. I have no clue what she wants.

Bandit retrieves things for me:Bella runs after it, sniffs it, and then comes back without it.

Bandit stays around when we let him outside, and Bella needs to be tied up.

Bandit can free-feed. Bella needs to be fed diet food twice daily, because she's too chubby.

Bandit barks when a stranger comes to our house. Bella barks at me when I get home from work.

Bandit sleeps under the covers. Bella insists on sharing my pillow with me.

It may sound like I'm hatin' on Bella, but I'm not. She actually has some wonderful qualities. She's quite calm, which is nice, and is an excellent snuggler. Plus, she doesn't shed and is docile enough that the kids can take her for a walk on the leash. And, ya know, there's that whale spout hair-do. I like her. Plus, she's surprisingly athletic.

So, in summary. Bella: super cute, kinda dumb, extra snuggly.

BeeDay Partee

Last night I went out with my sister, her boyfriend, his family, and my mom for my Sis's birthday. We started out at Chino Latino. I ordered her a Chino Bomber, which resulted in her being fitted for this sweet headband.

And then she had to do some balancing shit with sake and a beer, scream "Banzai!!!" and then drink it.

As you can see, we had a lovely sushi spread and I am holding a girly drink. Life doesn't get much better than that.

Except when it does.

We then went across the street to Zeno for some after-dinner drinks and lava cake. Good shit. Plus, the itty bitty host guy told me I got major cool points. I didn't bother asking why. I just figured I deserved them.

Does this night sound familiar? That's because it's exactly what we did for my birthday. But, that doesn't make it any less original. OK, so maybe it does, but it was still super fun.

Because I Know Why You Really Come Here

Here is Franz doing a 6-second sprint on the ergo (OK, it's more like 4 seconds), then looking dejectedly at his max speed.

Time To Play Catch-Up

I'm been so slammed at work that I haven't had much time to think about blogging. It's not that I hate you, it's just that I don't like you all that much.

So, let's see. Last weekend I got Avatarded. It was a pretty good movie, but didn't live up to the hype. They never do. People must have lower standards than I do. I know one guy who has seen it 5 times. I heard that there are people out there who are in a deep, deep depression because Pandora does not actually exist. Life must be difficult when you're completely disconnected from reality.

We followed that up with a big day at the water park. We went with some friends who have kids about the same age as ours, so they entertained each other while I entertained the idea of blowing Max's video game money on $6 margaritas.

Afterwards, we went out to eat at a place called Fat Daddy's. I had an overcooked 1-pound burger and a 32-ouce New Castle. How the hell do you overcook such a huge hamburger patty?

Then I went to work for a week.

Last night when I got home from work, Addi decided she wanted to try riding her bike without training wheels.

She's such a little trooper! She would have stayed out there all night if it hadn't gotten dark.

We were back at it again this morning, and she's almost there. Another couple days and she'll be riding on her own.

We also watched Nacho Libre, about which Max declared, "Huh, that was unusual", which it totally was.

I've been managing to squeeze in my workouts, which is nice. My 24-year-old nephew just started lifting with me, and he had to cancel our workout today because he's so sore he can't more. That's just fantastic!

Spring is just around the corner. I can feel it. Most of the grass on my lawn is visible. I can't wait to get out of the fucking house.

No Wonder My Foot Keeps Getting Wet

The Kids Get In On The SkiBoarding Action

SkiBoarding - that's what I named my new sport (clever, right?) - is fun for the whole family. Here's Max:

And here he is post-crash:

Even Addi, who is only 4, can SkiBoard.

Someone patent this shit for me. I'll pay you back later. Promise.

PJ's Pube

Unfortunate design choice, fellas. Though, ironically, that's probably what was all over the urinal that this ad was displayed above.

Final Vacay Fotos

I don't feel like commenting on the photos, so figure it out. In no particular order: beach, drinks, trees.

Give Me Back That Filet O Fish!

Franz Haz A Canoe Kevlar Wheels

They are definitely the ugliest wheels on the block, but are supposedly the lightest and stiffest disc wheels available, in addition to being the least expensive. Franz has declared that they are scary-light. Time will tell if they live up to expectations.

The question has been asked, if they're the lightest, stiffest, and cheapest, why aren't they more popular? One reason could be that their customer service department is non-existent. They don't answer their phones (once because they were busy deer hunting), and it took a month for the wheels to arrive.

Additionally, as evidenced by this photo, the fit and finish is a bit lacking, though that's to be expected from a manufacturing facility in Wisconsin.
If the wheels do, in fact, live up to the hype, these small quibbles can be overlooked.

I'll hand over the blog reins to Franz for a full review once he has some time on them. If he survives riding outdoors with a front disc.

Pack That Meat, White Boy

The summer after I graduated from high school, I got a job working at a meat packing plant. I was one of 3 white people. The other two were 40-year-old women. The remainder of the 400+ employees were Mexican. One of my best friends was from Mexico, and I spoke fluent Spanish. My co-workers had no knowledge of this, and continually talked shit about me to each other while standing right next to me. Which was fun.

At the beginning, they just called me "Guero" (prounounced weh-roh), which translates roughly to "White Boy". I guess I was OK with that, considering, ya know, it's true.

There was one older woman there, El Puma (The Cougar), who took a shine to me. She called me her Sancho, which is the man a woman wants to cheat on her husband with. I was honored, to say the least. However, she looked a little too much like a wood tick for my liking, and I spurned her advances.

The next day, everyone started calling me "Guero Joto", or "Gay White Boy", because clearly anyone who doesn't want to sleep with a married, middle-aged arachnid must be gay.

After a few more months of employment, I worked my way into the hearts or my Mexi-friends (see what I did there?), and Güero Joto became a term of endearment...I guess.

One day, while on my lunch break, I passed the fuck out. I had been sitting with my knee curled up under me and when I straightened it, it popped and I saw stars. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor with people gathered all around me. I've had this happen before after bouts of intense pain. When I was little, a doctor said they were called Vasovagal Episodes. This would surely prove to my coworkers how manly I am!

Anyway.

I had to sit in the manager's office until an ambulance could come. Yes, a fucking ambulance! Apparently it's company policy. I called my mom (she'll know what to do!) and she told me that under no circumstances was I to board that ambulance. Shit's expensive (I paraphrased there a bit).

My mom came to pick me up and bring me to the hospital for my employer-mandated drug test. In an excessive show of aversion to lawsuits, they forced me to be rolled out in a stretcher while all my coworkers watched.

I could hear there whispers. "!Dios mio! Es Guero Joto." They were concerned.

After waiting 3 days for my drug test results to inexplicably come back clean, I was cleared to go back to work, at which point I was merely "Guero" again. They must have felt bad for me and decided that I was straight. Which was nice. Two weeks later, I left for college.

I learned a lot that summer. Mostly, that I don't want to work in a meat packing plant ever again.

I've got plenty of stories about that place. Buy me a beer sometime and ask me about it.

Elite My Ass

A boy and his rail tequila...*sigh*

So True...

While the Winter Olympics aren't half as awesome as the Summer Olympics, I've been watching every night...mostly because all the shows I actually enjoy watching are reruns for these two weeks.

The boarder cross was pretty cool, as was the snowboard half pipe and some of the alpine skiing. I even enjoy the speed skating, but mostly just because it reminds me of track cycling.

But, c'mon...XC skiing is barely fun when I'm doing it. I sure as hell don't need to watch others ski.

Figure skating? Stop it. Just fucking stop it.

Biathlon? Still don't get it. How are the two sports related?

Doubles Luge? Super gay.

Curling...nah, too easy. Though there is some big-time drama as the captain of the US squad was benched due to suckage.

I do enjoy the fact that Canada spent over $100 Million on their "Own The Podium" program and they are getting this shit kicked out of them. Good stuff.

I've got a major case of the Winter Blah's, and I can't seem to kick it. Fuck it all.

New Sport

We went out to my in-laws' lake yesterday to play around with the 4-wheelers. After several hours of jumping drifts and whipping shitties, we got a little bored, so we decided to tie a tow rope to a 'wheeler and try kneeboarding on the snow.

It. Was. Awesome.

Once we got the hang of it, it was very similar to kneeboarding on the water...except the crashes hurt more.

I'm going to try to get it included in the 2014 Olymics.