Global Warming Redux

Are they going to make Al Gore give back his Nobel Prize when it turns out global warming is a bunch of hoo-ha?

I do think we need to change the way we live. Absolutely. We're ruining the environment, I will agree with that.

Are we causing global warming? Me thinks not. Scientists* are basing these claims on data from the last 20 years. That's like a microsecond in the life cycle of the earth. Alarmists are using these claims to try to enduce panic and action from the masses. Climatologists need us to believe global warming is real in order to keep getting funding for research. Global cooling and the threat of a new ice age was the all the rage in the '70s. Narcissism has led us to believe that we are the cause of and solution to all the world's problems.

We live in an ECOSYSTEM...variables will change, and the system will adapt.

I guess as long as you don't actually think about it, global warming makes perfect sense.

*I don't believe science can exist for it's own sake anymore. Everything is funded by big industry and government to give results that they want. Peer reviewed? Spare me.

'Livin' the Dream' Monday

Same shit, different shoes.

Now HERE'S a Great Idea...

I am often baffled by the actions of corporate America. For instance, my employer gives us a hugely generous allotment of time off each year, but we can't carry any over into 2008.

This has resulted in the vast majority of my co-workers being out of the office for the entire month of December, which has in turn resulted in a massive drop in productivity. I've heard it's like this every year. I'm working on a project where I'm dependent on others to get their work done so I can do my job. 8 out of 10 people that I depend on are gone until next year, and I'm sitting here writing fucking limericks about random shit I find around my house.

A+ work, corporate America. A+

Ode to My Stuff - Limericks

This is an ode to my favorite self-powered objects. They make life easier, and they make me happy. Limericks also make me happy. So does gin. And peanut butter cups. But I digress...

You help me blend my protein shake
Is there anything you cannot make?
You spin with high torque
So let's pop a cork
And toast to you with red wine and cake.

---

There's a shitty camera built in my phone
So I can take pics all alone
Your quality sucks
And that is the crux
But I still wish that you had a clone.

---

This is my Father's Day lamp
It'll kill me if I get it damp
It's unstable and falls
On my kids and the walls
But still it gets my approval stamp

---

It may not look quite so great
But this oven here has speed bake
I can make a pizza
In half the time! Neatza!
It's beauty is too much to take

---

This is my snowblower, Joe
He blows and he blows all my snow
Because shovels are stupid
And I'm thanking cupid
And hoping I don't lose a toe

---

This little Ninja's the shit
It's small, so I cannot fit
But my kids are so bitty
That they can whip shitties
And my shins, they always do hit

---

There once was a big old chest freezer
Whose capacity was a bit of a teaser
I bought an upright
Now I'm not uptight
I'm sitting here listening to Weezer

---

I got this contraptions for free
So I can make awesome coffee
I get out the cream
When it starts to steam
And know that the first cup's for me

---

This iPod station's way hot
It allows me to listen to Snot
My wife likes Norah Jones
But not when I'm home
Because I'd rather have a blood clot

---

I can clean carpet or floor
It'll run 50 minutes or more!
It sucks up dog hair
While my neighbors just stare
So I kick their asses out the door

---

This is my beautiful iBook
You can't touch, you can just look
Sometimes it shows porn
But don't get forlorn
It also taught me how to cook

---

These have a great capacity
And clean clothes with tenacity
They fit double loads
Of all of my clothes
Their windows do not have opacity

---

This here is my '83 Cycle
It used to belong to Michael
I'm lying, ho hum
I bought it from my mum
Of this moto I'm a disciple

---

The Exploder's been with me forever
I'll get rid of it, probably never
It's got lots of miles
But still plenty of style
When driving it I feel so clever

LSC Party

Last night was the Loon State party and awards ceremony.


But this is all I remember.

I didn't win any awards. Cuz, ya know, it's not like I made it to nationals or anything :-) In all seriousness, everyone who won the awards was more than deserving. Kudos, fellas.

Apparently, having an ironically-named blog does not garner any votes for "most tenacious".

Donimator compiled a video of the season, and every time I looked at the TV I saw this picture.

Hairless Rat

Isn't he cute? I wonder who buys these...

'Livin' the Dream' Friday

Dude, I'm With the Band

I used to be in a band called 'Maple Tree'. We were named after a gay, incestuous cat. The drummer's dad was a science teacher and named all of their many cats after trees. One day, Maple Tree mounted up on his brother, Sumac. We knew we had our band name.

The first gig we ever played was at the local high school. We tore that place up with covers of Green Day, Pantera, and Coal Chamber songs. Then a girl broke her arm in the mosh pit, and the school said we couldn't play there anymore.

When you're in a small farm town and you can't play at the school, your options are pretty limited. We tried to set up some outdoor shows, but the city noise ordinance wouldn't allow it. We played a couple graduation parties, and that was it.

---

Blog-land sucks. Come on...y'all have to have done SOMETHING in your life worth posting about.

The Final Touch

A short 49 days after moving into our house, our entry-way ("foyer" for you classy people) now has a light.

Google Services Haikus

Google is taking over the world. You know it, I know it, Bill Gates knows it. They've got some great products, but seem to have issues with quality control at times. Here's a rundown, in haiku form, of their services.

Search Engine:
The best search out there
Sometimes returns random shit
Rarely lets me down

Blogger:
Quirky as all hell
On-again, off-again blogs
Why can't you just work?

Google Reader:
On a web-based app
Keyboard shortcuts are stupid
Why must you confuse?

Google Images:
I type in my name
And see a karate kid
And ugly lawyer

Google Maps:
Why is the picture
Of my house so freakin' old?
Love the hybrid view

Google Toolbar:
Why do you exist?
All you do is replicate
IE7 search

Google Calendar:
You do me no good
Since you are only web-based
You'll never be used

Google Video:
Are you just YouTube?
You do list their videos
I don't understand

The Only X-Mas Song Worth Listening To

Hello, Beautiful

Yoga

I went to my first-ever yoga class tonight, hoping to gain more flexibility. It was...underwhelming. I hear people talk about how great they feel after yoga, and I just felt like I'd done some stretches. It was certainly nothing I felt like I couldn't do at home.

I wanted to like it, I really did. I can't say it wasn't enjoyable, but it just didn't live up to the hype.

Maybe it was the instructor? Maybe I'm not in touch with my inner TenT? People love this shit, so I must have done something wrong, right?

When All Your Wishes Have Been Granted...

...Many of your dreams will be destroyed.


All through high school and college I was obsessed with Coal Chamber. Imagine my excitement my Junior year when I found out they were going to be playing in St. Cloud! My buddy Jeremy and I got hammered and walked up to the Civic Center. We happened to run into an old friend who just happened to know which room the band was staying in at a nearby hotel. I committed it to memory and proceeded to enjoy the one of the most depressing concerts of my life from the front row. The band was fighting on stage, spitting on each other, throwing drumsticks, and eventually left the stage without an encore.

Unimpressed, I went to their hotel room and sat around for about 3 hours without seeing the band. I got bored and wanted to leave, so I wrote a note and slipped it under the door. I was all fucked up, but I think it said something about how they should call me and we should party later and their music meant the world to me and blah blah blah.

I get a call at like 5am from the band. Holy shit! This is like a dream come true. Unfortunately, I was pretty drunk and wasn't a great conversationalist. I got to talk to Meegs, Bug, and Nadja. Finally, they asked if I wanted to talk to Dex (the singer, who I idolized and even named my dog after).

"Hello?"
"Hey, is this Dez?"
"No, this is Chris."
"Who the fuck is Chris?"
"I'm the drum tech. Did you see me up on stage? I have purple hair."

I then proceeded to scream at that fucker until he eventually hung up on me. Why would I want to talk to a drum tech?

The band broke up less than a month later.

Welcome to Retardville

As the first snowflake strikes the ground, thousands of Stearns Country residents immediately forget how to drive. Here's a fucking tip: you're supposed to go faster that 8 mph. Move, bitch, get out the way.

In all seriousness, if you are too stupid or scared to drive, you should take the bus.

My Worst Nightmare

Am I the only one who's totally weirded out by Santa Claus?

[photo from skinnyski.com]

Bob Raises the Bar

After returning from Europe, Bob had this to say:

"Sub 11 is not only possible but necessary!"

The enduros over there are averaging nearly 68kph for their flying laps.

At the Sydney World Cup, I would have barely made the top 10 in the women's field. Josiah Ng rode a 10.38 and didn't qualify. The fastest American was 18th.

Shit. Back to the gym!

Albums of the Year

Let's be honest. The real reason you come to my blog is to find out what music you should listen to in order to become awesome. I understand, and I'm here to help.

For your iTune'ing pleasure, I present the best albums of 2007:

Honorable Mention:
Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
Evanescence - The Open Door
Chevelle - Vena Sera

#3: Papa Roach - The Paramour Sessions
The is a return to pure, unadulterated rock for a band that hasn't been relevant since their debut album, 'Infest'. I tried, but I can't find a song on this album that I don't like. Jacoby Shaddix makes you feel his pain through every scream.

#2: Evans Blue - The Pursuit Begins When This Portrayal of Life Ends
In their never-ending quest to create the longest album title of all time, Evans Blue has created a musical masterpiece. Moody and emotional, this album is a must-have for anyone who loves to get lost in their music.

#1:Avenged Sevenfold - Self Titled
This could possibly be the most brilliant rock album ever recorded. A7X implements string ensembles, pipe organs, and hardcore riffs, and they do it with so much dramatic flair that you can't help but put it on repeat. Not only that, it's actually FUN to listen to!

Crap:
2007 wasn't all fun and games. Here are the biggest disappointments of the year, which I was somehow duped into paying for:

Army of Anyone - Self Titled
You would think that combining the remaining members of STP with the singer from Filter would be a slam-dunk recipe for success. Yet somehow, they fucked it up. "Father Figure" is the only good song on this CD, and it's not even that good.

Kid Rock - Rock n Roll Jesus
What happened, Kid? You used to be cool. And good. Now? Not so much.

Korn - Untitled
I don't know why I thought this would be good. It's not.

Puddle Of Mudd - Famous
Weak. Just weak.

Wanna See Me Shake It?

Click Here

You Want Me To Put It Where?!?!?!?

The marketing wizard who decided to sell hair gel in a dildo-shaped bottle should either be shot or given a Nobel prize. I can't decide which.

Gluttonous Bastards

I was feeling generous today, so I brought my Holiday Cheesecake to work with me to share with my co-workers.

I put it in the fridge with my initials on the top. 3 hours later, this is what I found.

What the hell?

What kind of glutton goes into the fridge and steals other peoples' food? A better question may be to ask what kind of glutton would eat that much cheesecake before lunch?

I HOPE YOU GET FAT, ASSHOLE!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia

I saw a Chia Pet at Wal-Mart a locally owned knick-knack shop today. I didn't know they still made those.

When I was in 4th grade, I was always in trouble (along with my friend Mikey). My teacher told us that if we could behave ourselves for 2 weeks, we could care for the class Chia Pet. Miraculously, this had an impact on my behavior. Mikey fucked up and got banned from Chia duty, but I stayed the course.

I still remember the rush of adrenaline as I spread that gooey seed shit all over the little ceramic sheep. Pure magic.

More Bling

HED Aerolab. Full carbon shell.

Taint of steel.

Wednesday's Workout - In MS Paint

My bike is an asshole.

Intervals suck.

Oooh...Shiny

It looks even better in person!

The color ended up being sort of a gun-metal gray...very cool. The components will be filtering in over the next week or two, so it'll soon be a real live bike.

Perspective

I'm an asshole driver. I admit it. I tailgate, speed, swerve, and generally just want everyone to get the fuck out my way.

This morning, some lady pulled out of her driveway, cutting me off. She then proceeded to drive 10 mph under the speed limit for a couple miles. I was pissed. Then she slowed down and took a left into a cemetery. As I went passed her, I could see tears streaming down her cheeks.

I feel like a huge dick. Sometimes, it's not all about me.

Everyone Who Looks Like Me Is My Friend

Ugh. I'm not an expert on apparel licensing, but I do have a pretty solid knowledge of the history and culture of grunge music. I can't imagine Kurt Cobain would be excited about Nirvana shirts being sold at Wal-Mart.

Bonus points to anyone who can identify where the title to this post came from.

Piece of Shit

Guess why I'm pissed off?

I hate these fucking things.

Breaking Tradition

I just got some excellent news. My Holiday Vasectomy will not happen this year. We had a good run, but it's time to kill that tradition.

One of my coworkers asked how they know that the procedure was successful. How do you think, dipshit?

Why I Don't Ride Carbon - Reason #83

Catastrophic failure.

Memories

I'm always interested to find out from people the very first thing they remember in their lives. Many people have few, if any, childhood memories. Some remember vivid details from their infancy.

My very first memory is of sitting with my mom in a recliner, reading a story. When the book was done, I realized that I wasn't wearing any pants. I thought this was the funniest shit ever. I was probably about 4. I have no idea what makes that particular moment stick in my mind.

My father-in-law remembers laying in his crib as an infant, waiting for his parents to come get him.

What's your first memory?

Hollywood Nicknames

In the tradition of J-Lo, K-Fed, and LiLo, I'm giving myself a Hollywood-style nickname.

Tenacious T is now...(you ready for this?)...

TenT.

Damn, I'm clever. Aw, who am I kidding?

See, people? This is why no one is allowed to give themselves a nickname. It just doesn't work.

Friday's Workout. In Video Form.

Note: crank the sound up for maximum awesomeness.

Deadlifts, powercleans, and roller sprints. These aren't maximal efforts, but you get the idea.

Inspired yet?

I Win!

Post-meal Thanksgiving festivities at my in-laws consists of a traditional game of Holiday BINGO (what, you don't play BINGO on Thanksgiving?).

Everyone brings some cheapo prizes, usually geared towards the kids. Every year I make it my goal to win one of the cheesecakes that my niece brings. I've had to resort to some dirty tactics and merciless BINGO playing, but I've now been successful for 3 consecutive years.

My off-season eating program starts, um, tomorrow.

ATTACK!

We have a lot of deer come through our backyard, and my ferocious little terrier loves to chase them. This morning was a bit different, though, when the deer came after Bandit!

Bandit tore through the yard, yipping and growling. The deer didn't budge. In fact, it started trotting towards him. Once the deer got close enough and Bandit saw that he was outweighed about about 150lbs, he began to retreat. The deer took a few steps after him, then high-tailed it into the woods.

It was the highlight of my Thanksgiving to see my little bad-ass get put in his place by a herbivore.

I tried to get some action shots, but they were moving around too much. The only pictures I got were as they both returned to their respective corners.

How Hot Is This?

Arrival date is next Wednesday. I s'pose I should probably get my components ordered.

Franz's looks the same, but much, much smaller.

HUGE thanks to David Tiemeyer.

Pets

Growning up on a farm, we always had lot of animals around. Unfortunately, many of them lived a short life.

• Bear (Aerdale Terrier): Resented my birth. Ripped the pants of any other kids trying to play with me. Died of old age.
  
• Goldie (Numerous goldfish with the same name): Died, as fish often do. My mom kept them in the freezer, which seems weird now.
  
• Feathers (parakeet): Birds make cool pets. Pooped in my grandma's hair one time. Died because I was an irresponsible pet owner.
  
• Katie (Lab/German Shepherd cross): Very sweet and understanding. Died of heat stroke.
  
• Cassie (Basset Hound): Once had a litter of 15 puppies when she got knocked up by a German Shepherd. Those were ugly puppies. Died of internal bleeding after getting spayed.
  
• Wheezy (cat): Sickly feline that lived in the garage. Wheezed and sneezed constantly (hence the name). Died under the wheel of our mini-van.
  
• Duke (lab): We somehow inherited this dog from some city residents who said he was too wild. He loved to chase cars. He died doing what he loved.
  
• Bud (lab): Best dog ever. Died of old age.
  
• Smokey (cat): Found her and thought she was pregnant. Nope, just fat. Died of old age.
  
• Lazer (springer): Fun hunting dog, great pet. Disappeared.
  
• Cassie (Husky/Lab cross): Nice dog, stand-offish personality. Disappeared. Suspected to have been shot by our neighbor.
  
• Random wild cats: I came home from church camp one summer to find that all our wild cats (about 30 of them) had died of distemper. I was given a pitchfork, and tasked with loading them up in a wheelbarrow and burning them. That's not very much fun for for a 12-year-old.
  
• Tiny (cat): One of the few survivors of distemper. Disappeared.
  
• Scout (Chesapeak): Horrible, horrible dog belonging to my step-brother. Had to be kennelled constantly. Too rough with kids. Gave away.
  
• Sunny (Cockatiel): Loving, but tempramental. Living a life of luxury with my mom.
  
• Caiden(lab/? cross): Very sweet dog, but kind of on the dopey side. Hit by car.
  
• Kiwe PeeWee (Quaker Parrot): Had some sort of neurosis. Returned to pet store.
  
• Skittles (Sun Conure): Cuddliest bird I've ever seen. Found out this was due to the Giardia. Pet store requested him to be returned.
  
• Chicken (parakeet): Retarded. Literally. It's a wonder this bird could find its food. Died of a heart attack at the vet's office while getting his beak trimmed. He just wasn't made for this world.
  
• Bandit (Jack Russell Terrier): Phenominal dog. Good with kids, excellent watch dog, even good at pheasant hunting! He's probably sleeping in my bed as we speak.
  

Current Stats

As of this morning, I was 202.4 lbs. I figure I'll be back around 210 by the end of winter, and my in-season weight will be right around 205.

My max deadlift came last week when I pulled 445# off the the floor.

Franz and I PR'd on single-leg presses last night, repping 340x5.

Squatting just started in earnest a couple weeks ago, so I'm only up to 335x5, but the weights will go up quickly.

Sadly, it seems I'm getting too big for my britches. Literally. I need to buy new pants. Again. (sigh)

Needs Work

My son has decided that he wants to be a comedian. Generally, he's a funny kid...except for when he's actually trying to be funny.

Most of his jokes go something like this:

"Why did the elephant go to the farm?"
"To poop on the corn"

or

"Why did the chicken walk up to the house?"
"To get his head chopped off. Isn't that weird?"

No. It's disturbing, and it makes me think I should lock my bedroom door at night.

Breaking the Habit

I've decided it's time to stop biting my fingernails, which I've done since I was 5. It's a nasty habit that has probably led to most of the illnesses I've had in my life. So far, it's proved to be harder than quitting smoking.

I've tried nail polish, and it didn't even slow me down.

Any tips?

I Work With Morons

This should not need to be said.

Why

OK, I'll admit it, I did read a few blogs during my hiatus.

The one thing that kept jumping out at me is the fact that everyone rolls their tubular tires in cyclocross races. Everyone. Why the hell would you use them? Are they marginally faster? Maybe, but they do you no good if they don't stay on the rim.

I've also seen many bloggers posting about starting their 2008 training programs. Most of these posts sounded something like this: "I didn't reach my goals in 2007. Now I'm going to start training for 2008". Ya might want to consider changing your training regimen. Just a thought.

Off-Season Injury

Franz wasted no time in hurting himself during the off-season. He fell off his rollers this morning, landing on his hip-sled, and may have broken a couple fingers.

I Didn't Know...

I didn't realize until today how much blog-land needed me. Christ, you people are boring!

It's a sad state of affairs when I can't even bring myself to open up Google Reader in the morning because it's more exciting to actually work.

How many times do I have to see the same GD story about the guy fucking his bike? Honestly, I think someone posted it once a week. It was published in Bicycling magazine for fuck's sake. It doesn't need to be on 50 blogs. See here, here, here, here, and here. And these are just the recent ones! I would have looked for more, but I'm sick of reading about it.

Also, what's the deal with people who only allow partial RSS feeds? (I'm looking at you and you in particular). I don't want to have to go to your page to see what you wrote, I want to see it in my RSS reader. I've stopped reading your posts because it's a pain in the ass.

And don't get me started on the fake drama that some bloggers are trying to drum up. That is the empitome of lame. If there's real drama, let it happen, but don't make shit up. You are adults. Act like it. Attempting to inject some sort of "burn" into everything you write makes you seem petty and childish.

Dammit, now I'm all worked up. I need a drink.

Aw, Fuck It

OK, I couldn't do it.

It turns out I really do enjoy blogging. It gives me an outlet to share the random shit I experience in my life. It helps distant friends and family stay up-to-date on me and my family (sorry about all the swearing). It forces me to think more deeply about my experiences.

I've had a lot of people ask why I quit. Well, I hadn't been sleeping well, and I'd been drinking (slightly) more than usual, which combined to put me in a foul mood. I woke up in the middle of the night on a Friday because I thought of something I wanted to blog. That really really pissed me off, so I went downstairs and killed the blog. Admittedly, I may have overreacted. Such is life. It had nothing to do with anyone or anything besides myself.

Blogging had become a chore, something I felt obligated to do, rather than something I had fun doing. That's not cool. I guess I just needed to gain some perspective.

I think the RSS feed double-posted a few things, and I lost the comments for the last 10-15 posts, but all 450+ posts were preserved.

So there ya have it. I'm back, bitches!