WTF???

So there we were, coming back to work after a delicious lunch at the pizza buffet, and we notice a large orange box sticking out of the trunk of a car. But there's something different about this box. We looked closer:
Yes indeed, that is a picture of Kirk Cameron of "Growning Pains" fame, circa 1985.

And to top it off, though the box looks old and beat-up, the picture looks brand new. As I said..."WTF"??????

I'm (Sort Of) Back Bitch!

I rode my bike on the track last night, and it was glorious. Just fuckin' glorious.
We had a wee team function prior to the RADIUS event, and Ted convinced me to bring my bike down. He almost had me convinced to do a couple of the races, but we had to leave before the event started so we could deliver food to our ladies. After all, they own us.

I couldn't get out of the saddle to put any power down at all, but I did a couple seated jumps in an 84" gear. I was able to hit 61kph, so I was pretty damn pleased with myself. That bodes well for next year. My fitness sucks, but my pedal stroke wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared and I felt like I was putting out some decent seated power.

I figured since this would be my only chance to get on the track this year, I should wear my Casco helmet. Skibby liked it.
I led Ted out for a couple max speed efforts, and he PR'd with a 66.5. Not bad for a fat guy (said the pot to the kettle).

We probably (ok, definitely) looked silly wearing aero helmets during warm-up, but no sillier than I looked in my new skinsuit with my moose knuckle. Why can't skinsuits fit me right?

Then we picked up the most bad-ass sushi spread ever and headed home.
I'm not gonna lie, I was really nervous to get back on the track. My bike felt really strange under me for the first few laps, but then - just like, er, riding a bike - it all came back to me. I didn't even re-injure myself! The hip testicle is a little irritated today, but nothing too serious.

By the end of the night I was actually starting to get excited about racing again (but don't tell my wife).

Bike Shopping With My Mom

Maybe I'm destined for a life of cruisers.

Trust The Yellow Bus

Few people know that I used to be a school bus driver when I was in college. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up assholes. Those fuckin' kids loved me. Because of the awesomeness.

It was actually a perfect job for a college student. Up early (OK, that part sucked), done by 9:00, go to class, back to work for the afternoon route, home by 5. No nights, no weekends. I just cranked the radio and we rocked out.

These days, it's amazing the lengths I'll go to in order to not have to wait behind a bus. There's a stop at an apartment complex on my way to work where, I dunno, 50 or so kids get on. It takes like 5 minutes. Which sucks. So I drive 10 minutes out of my way to avoid it.

Today, while taking an alternate route to work to avoid all the bus stops that make my commute take for-fucking-ever, I ironically ended up on some of the roads that were part of my old bus route. Then I saw the kids out waiting for the bus and I started to recognize some of them. Holy shit! A lot of these kids were 1st and 2nd graders when I had them, and now they're freshmen and sophomores in high school.

Most of them look pretty much the same, but a couple of them have gone goth and/or gotten fat. I wonder if they would even remember me? Probably not.

Fuck, I feel old...

One Last Time, Then I'm Done Talking About It

I'm tired of talking about my hip. Just saying the word "hip" makes me shudder. I don't like complaining, and I assume no one else wants to hear it. I'm just fucking done with it. But the truth is...it's not healing well.

When I was given my initial prognosis of 3 months, I thought they were crazy. I figured 4-6 weeks, tops. Yet, here I am, over 4 months later.

I still can't lay on my left side.

It's still quite sore.

I have a wierd ball-thing that moves about my hip at will. Creepy.

It swells up after anything more than very moderate activity.

The skin is still completely numb.

And did I mention? There's a fucking ball-thing in my hip!

So I did what any man would do: waited 4 weeks too long to get myself to the doctor.

I finally went in yesterday to see if there was anything they could do. At one point, there were 3 doctors in the room looking at the ball-thing. One of them declared, "I don't know what the hell that thing is." Way to inspire confidence, doc!

They sent me down for x-rays to see if they could see anything. As you can see above...nothin' (except my dong). Which is a good sign, really, because it means it's not a calcium deposit or a piece of bone. They talked amongst themselves for several minutes and decided that it's likely a remnant of my alien hematoma that hasn't been absorbed. But they're not sure.

The main issue is that the ball-thing (yes, I'm still calling it that because we still don't know what it is, and it sounds better than "hip-testicle") is causing a lot of irritation to my hip joint, which is exacerbated by any sort of repetitive activity. Like cycling. Fuck. I also have a wicked case of bursitis, which is actually pretty low on my list of concerns at this point.

The doctors put the brakes on me (pun intented) for another 4-6 weeks.

I went back this afternoon to get some steroid treatments to the area, but I'm pretty sure it's not the kind of steroid that will make me faster. I also got some ultrasound and massage to try to break up the remaining scar tissue.

They made me wear these shorts

And then they put this thing on my hip
It's got anti-inflamatory on side and saline on the other. There's a small battery built in, and the current draws the anti-inflamatory into my tissue. Kinda cool, actually. Unlike those shorts.

On the bright side, they performed several tests and determined that I've lost no strength or range-of-motion on my left side. Shit, I'll take what I can get!

So, obviously, racing this weekend is out. RADIUS has always been one of my favorite race formats (I don't care what you assholes think!) and I was excited to make my "big comeback". But, alas, it will have to wait till next year.

Hopefully this is the last time I'll have to bitch about it.

The plan now is to keep putting in "junk miles" to keep some semblance of fitness so I can hang with the cool kids on the MTB trails this fall.

Name My Boat

I've been informed that any boat over 17 feet should have a name. My boat does not have a name, so evidently it's unlucky.

I need help naming my boat. Submit your entries in the comments.

Lookie What I Got!

I upgraded to wireless N on my home network. Because when I want porn, I want it now!

The new Cisco/Linksys routers look waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than the old ones.

And look how thin!

It's so thin I could put it on a bunny's head and it would look like a pancake.

I'm fully aware that I'll notice very little to no difference over Wireless G, but it should help for streaming movies from my desktop. Also, it looks better, and I got a killer deal on it. Plus, I sold my old one to Bodacious P. I win at life.

Just to make sure I wasn't losing anything by giving up the external antennas, I did a before-and-after speed test. Before:

After:

Uh oh...better try that again...

Ahhh, that's better. Subsequent tests put me anywhere from 4Mbps to 5.5 Mbps. Yes, I'm cheap and should probably pay for faster internet. Leave me alone. The point in that I'm getting the same speeds all the way on the other side of the house, which is better than before with the external antennas. I achieved similar speeds with a wired connection, so overall I'm pleased.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go review some films in my office. With the door locked.

I keed, I keed!

School Daze

Today was the first day of school for both kids. Max started 2nd grade, and Addi started pre-school.

Addison was about the most excited girl that ever was.

Max? Well, let's just call him "cautiously optimistic". I think he was trying really hard to pretend he wasn't excited. He's got an image to uphold!

It brings back a lot of memories. The first day of school each year was yet another opportunity to not make an ass out of myself. I'd spend several days thinking about exactly what to wear so it wouldn't look like I was actually trying to look good. Looking fly on a farmer's budget is an art, lemme tell ya.

I'd then have the stress of wondering if my girlfriend from the previous year was still my girlfriend, despite the fact that we hadn't spoken in three months (waddaya want from me, I live 12 miles from town!). I made sure to wear an undershirt so the stress-induced pit-sweat wouldn't bring shame to my poor little pre-pubescent psyche.

I had horribly thick hair, and no matter how much gel I put in it, it would still 'fro out and make me look like I had a disproportionately large head. That didn't stop me from trying to tame it, though. I once shaved it, but it turns out I have ridges on my scalp (like a Klingon), so that looked even worse. I'd gel the shit out of it, then fall asleep on the 90-minute but ride to school and mess it all up. It didn't help that one kid would always say, "holy shit you have a huge head!". Fuckin' kids.

What a pleasant ritual!

Then I'd get to school and realize that everyone was basically the same, just 3 months older. And no one gave a shit about my giant head. Except that one kid. Who was a dick.

That's My Boy!

Booze Haikus

These are a few of my favorite things.

Hendricks Gin

There's nothing better

The definition of smooth

Tonic has quinine

E&J Brandy VSOP

My father-in-law

Makes a mean-ass manahattan

But good with Coke, too

Bacardi Gold

It's Puerto Rican

So you know it'll be good

Just try it, asshole

Patron Silver

Words cannot desribe

The joy of margaritas

Made with da Patron.

Seagram's VO Whiskey

I first tried this drink

Playing cards in Seattle

I think I'm in love

Newcastle Brown Ale

I don't drink much beer

But I certainly would if

All tasted like this

Philips Blackberry Brandy

Got me arrested

Made me puke on the carpet

Not drinking again

Trader Vic's Spiced Rum

Surprisingly good

For knock-off Captian Morgan

Smooth and delicious

Blue Moon

Yes, the orange slice*

May be a bit fruity, but

I think it's super

Dos Equis Amber

You are Mexican

But I've never seen you in

Mexico. Ever.

*"Orange" is 2 syllables. I looked it up.

Sony Vaio NW Series - First Impressions

Fist things first: Yes, I know it looks like a MacBook.

OK, moving on...

My 6-year-old iBook has been on its last leg for quite some time now, and I finally decided it was time to upgrade. The price of a new Mac was a huge deterrent (as well as the fact that I'm just, well, over it) and there are several nicely-spec'd PCs for well under $1000. I started doing some research and settled on 3 similarly-priced laptops. A Toshiba, an HP, and a Sony. I refuse to buy a Dell because of that infuriating "Lollipop" commercial.

When I went to check them out in person, the Toshiba had an awkward keyboard layout. All the keys were completely flat, with no contours, and felt awkward. There was a 10-key pad squished in on the right side, and the touchpad was off-center. Overall, it just didn't seem quite right.

The HP had some bullshit artist-edition circle design on the case. Any company that would pull that shit does not deserve my money.

Then I saw the Sony. Sleek, light, and beautiful. It was about half the thickness of the other two and has all the features I wanted, plus a Blu-Ray player. Intel Core 2 Duo 2.1, 4 GB RAM, 320 GB hard drive.

The only units they had in stock had already been "optimized" by their tech support team, and the charge would be $70. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not paying $70 to have some teenager remove the bloatware from my laptop. I had to speak to (read: yell at) a manager, and they finally decided to waive the fee. Fuckers.

But I walked out with a pimped-out machine for 1/3 the price of a MacBook.

First impressions are positive, but not great. It wasn't quite as fast as I had hoped it would be, but after disabling Sony's proprietary applications and turning off the shitty virus scan it runs much smoother. I thought this fucker was optimized????

I was going to install Windows 7 on it today, but will likely wait another couple weeks, mostly because I don't feel like dealing with it.

There's a pretty cool "instant-web" feature (not sure if that's really what it's called, but that's what it does. The software is called SplashTop). With the laptop powered down, I can push this button and a small Linux distro will load and run a web browser. It takes about 5 seconds, as opposed to a couple minutes of waiting for Windows to boot up.

Like I said, these are just first impressions. I like the design and the specs, but I'm not a big fan of proprietary software, which this laptop is loaded with. Once I'm able to load it up with my own apps, music, and photos, we'll see how it fares.

Feliz Cumpleaños A Mi Mamá

Last weekend was my mom's birthday, and she decided to grace us with her presence.

We decided to grace her with a lovely martini glass full of SoCo and Lemonade.

The kids made her cakes.


It's a moose.

I love cake.

Projects And Setbacks

My life feels like one big project lately. My body is a project, my house is a project, my kids are a project. With all projects come setbacks. That was the story of my weekend (read all the way to the end, I swear it's not excessively boring).

My first project was to hang a bar in our laundry/mud room for clothes fresh out of the dryer. This actually went remarkably smoothly, and I'm happy with how it turned out. It is straight. It is rigid. It is good.
Next up was some work in the kids' bathroom. A new, curved shower rod and a new hand-held shower head. This is designed to greater facilitate bathing the dog. The hand shower makes cleaning the mighty rodent hunter a much simpler task.
This is where I started running into issues. We bought the shower rod and head at TJ Maxx, and the quality wasn't, how-you-say, good. The brackets that hold the rod to the wall did not hold the rod properly, so it sagged. Nothing pisses me off more than a saggy rod. I used some other bolts and hardware that I had in the garage and managed to find a workable solution.

The hand shower (why do I feel so dirty typing that???) had a major problem, as well. The hose was not long enough to reach down into the tub, rendering it useless. This was returned, and I bought a quality shower head at Home Depot.

Later, we went to Target with the intention of getting a new shower curtain for the kids, but ended up decorating two bathrooms! A quick, 20-minute trip to the store turned into 2 hours. But hey, the bathroom looks adorable (yes, I just said that, fuck off).
Penguins and sea creatures!
The octopus soap dispenser is my new favorite thing in my house.
We also bought new towels for the master bathroom. Cuz I'm the master.
We had purchased new bath mats for both bathrooms as well, but they looked out of place and were subsequently returned.

That night, I decided to do an ergo workout to get a benchmark of where I'm at. My power actually wasn't too bad, just over 1800 watts, but I re-injured something in my hip.
At first I could hardly even walk and it got really swollen up. The next day was quite a bit better, and today I hardly even noticed it. I'm not sure what I did, but it's incredibly depressing.

Now, check this bitch out:
Can't tell what it is? Here's a better look:
Yeah, that's a ball of something-or-other in my hip. It moves around, kind of like the third testicle I never had. I'm hoping to make my return to racing at Radius 6 on September 13th, but figure I better get this thing checked out by my doctor.

Like I said, my body is a project. One that's not reaching completion nearly as quickly as I would like it to.

And now I'm about to embark upon a new, exciting project. I'm planning to write a book, which is something I've always wanted to do. I started college as an English major with the intention of becoming a writer, but switched to Computer Science because, let's be honest, I was already pretty good at it and I thought it would be easier. I think that was ultimately the best decision for my life, but the dream of writing never really went away. It's going to be an adventure and I know there will be setbacks, but I couldn't be more excited.

Seattle

Some of you may not have noticed, but I haven't blogged in over a week. We took the kids on their first airplane trip out to Seattle to visit Grandpa Darryl and his wife, Lynn. I've been to Seattle a few times before, but it was a different experience to be there with the kids. Seeing the way they experienced the city really added a new dimenstion to the trip.

One of the most difficult parts of the trip was the change in time zones. 2 hours doesn't sound like much, but it really wears on kids. When we were trying to have dinner at 6:00, the kids were crabby and ready for bed. When we wanted to sleep in, the kids were up at 5:30 AM, begging to go swimming.

Speaking of swimming, we did a ton of it last week. Fortunately, this resulted in Addi now being able to swim with arm bands, Max being able to swim in the deep end, and Kristin getting green hair. High five!
The airplane ride went better than expected. The kids watched movies and played games. Addi spilled her orange juice all over Kristin, but that was the only downside.
Upon arriving in Seattle, we were picked up at the airport, took a bit of time to settle in, then walked to dinner at, where else, PF Chang's! On the way, there's a fountain. See how everyone looks like they're shivering? That's because they walked through it!
The following day we took the kids to the "Scratch Patch", which is a really cool idea. Basically, the entire floor is covered in polished stones, and kids can pick through them to find their favorites to bring home.



We then went to visit the troll. He lives under a bridge. Max scared the crap out of Grandpa with the way he climbed and jumped all over the troll, but we all had a good time.
Addi definitely needed a nap, so we laid her down and took Max over to Pike Place Market. He was displeased with me taking his picture.
The next day we took the Monorail (yes, the freakin' MONORAIL, how cool is that?) out to Seattle Center to go on some rides.
Max drove the bumper cars.
Both kids went on the Viking Ship. (or would it be a Seahawk ship?)
We all went on the Ferris wheel.

And I almost vomited on the carousel.
Max convinced me to go on the log flume with him. That's the Experience Music Project in the background.
w00t!
There's a fountain in the middle of Seattle Center that shoots water in sync with music.

It was actually quite peaceful to listen to the water and music while the kids played in the fountain.
I narrowly avoided getting soaked.
The next day we hit up the Pacific Science center. This was one of the best parts of the trip for me. So much cool stuff to see!

The human hampster wheel.
They wouldn't let me ride the bike because I didn't have shoes with a back on them.
Shooting the water cannons.
Playing giant chess.
They made this on a harmonic something-or-other.
The main attraction at the Science Center was the butterfly room. As soon as we walked in, we were greeted by a big'n.


Addi has better balance than I do.
Back at the fountain.
Tired girl. It was like 80 degrees in our condo, and she felt that she needed to wear a sweatshirt with Pupper zipped up inside it.
The "gum wall". Yeah, that's all chewed gum. Glad I don't live there!

I think the best part of the trip for the adults was taking a 70-foot sailbout for a tour of Puget Sound. This was my first time sailing, and it was awesome.

The boat was leaning just a bit to the side.
Max played below deck almost the entire time. I guess we all have our own idea of "fun"!

Back at the condo, swimming. Cheap entertainment.

He's getting big, but I can still launch him.
One of the best parts of the trip was that I was able to walk to get coffee (and hot chocolate) for the whole family every morning.
And we had a great view! I wouldn't want to live downtown, but it sure is fun to visit!
"Our" condo.

I'd love to write more about the trip, but I should probably get some work done!