How I Got Kicked Out Of The Dorms

When I left for college, I wasn't what you'd call "mature". Or "responsible". Or "ready handle life on my own". I was more into partying and girls. It didn't help that our dorm director was a bitter, man-hating lesbian.

It took only 2 days for me to obtain my first alcohol violation. Fortunately, I brought down almost my entire dorm floor with me! There were super impressed. We were all hanging out and drinking in my neighbor's room and I had to piss. I took my drink with me to the bathroom, and on the way back, our RA saw me. With drink in hand, I sprinted back to the party room, dove inside, and locked the door. He'll never know where I am! Then, 10 seconds later, knock-knock-knock. Shhhhhh...don't let him in! Oh, snap! He's got his own key! Almost 20 of us got popped because of me. Oops.

Prior to leaving for college, I had sold my Blazer and bought a Sunfire (which was a huge piece of shit, but I won't get into that now), so I didn't have room for my two 15-inch subwoofers anymore. What to do? Put 'em in my dorm room! We could rattle the walls all the way to the end of the hall. This nabbed us 3 noise ordinance violations (which seemed pretty weak, but apparently they add up).

I also had an affinity for wandering around at night. Ya know, just to see if anyone was awake. Well, it's frowned upon to be aimlessly wandering the female floors alone in the wee hour of the morning. BAM! Escort violations.

At this point, I'd been at college for almost a month, and had clearly learned nothing.

My roommate and I figured out how to open doors with a credit card, and we had an awesome plan. We were going to sneak into the room of some girls we knew and hide an open can of tuna somewhere. It was gonna be awesome. Ya know what's not awesome? Getting busted on a girls floor at 2:00am with a beer in one hand and an open can of tuna in the other by a bitter, man-hating lesbian. Bitch was piiiiiiissed!

She tried to kick me out then and there, but the college decided that I should have another chance. Think I made the most out of it? If you said "yes", you don't know me very well.

Generally, when we bought beer (or, had beer bought for us), we would come up with some creative way of sneaking it into the dorms. Sometimes we'd empty out a case of soda and refill it will beer. Other times we'd hide it in our laundry. Sure, this is easy with cans, but what about returnable Busch Light bottles?

Using my superior intellect, I threw a flannel shirt (don't ask) over the box and attempted to sneak up the back stairs. Guess who just happened to be coming down at the exact same time? "What's in the box?" she asked. Because I'm cool under pressure, I replied, "A hamster".

Then, I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Down the stairs, out the door. I sprinted to my car as the bottles clanged in the box. I threw the box in the trunk and was about to get in the car and take off when I got boxed in by Public Safety. That bitch called campus security on me!

I got out and ran again. They pursued me on foot. Fortunately, they were very very slow, and I was able to evade them and find refuge in a friend's room.

Eventually, though, I had to go back to my room. As expected, they were there waiting. I got screamed at for a while, which was fun. I was also informed that they had put a boot on my car. Because it was used in a crime. What the figgity fuck? A crime? Wow, someone takes their shit too seriously!

The next morning I had a meeting with whoever the fuck is in charge of all the dorms to explain myself. I apparently did a poor job of that, and I was informed that I had to vacate at the end of the semester, which was 4 days away.

I had to get the police involved to get the boot off my car, but I still had to pay $100 in parking tickets because I was unable to move my fucking car because of the fucking boot. I tried removing it myself, but someone called campus security again and they came and screamed at me in barely-understandable English.

So, anyway, I moved out, met a little blonde hottie at the beauty academy, knocked her up, married her, and lived happily ever after.

I feel like I learned a lot from my time in dorms. Like, don't mess with someone who hates penises.