Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Staring Contest

Franz vs. Bandit. A battle for the ages.

Happy New Year!

It's Here

4 weeks ahead of schedule, and I didn't have to pay an extra cent. I don't know whether to be happy that it's here early or pissed that they tried to get an extra $160 out of me for fast service. I think I'll be happy, what with it being New Year's Eve and all.

I am, however, pissed at every person who bailed on me for the party tonight. Dicks.

Unmotivated

I still haven't even put the chainring back on my track bike since I got back from nationals. I'm thinking I might have to soon, though. The sow snow is too deep to hunt and I really have nothing else to occupy my obsessive nature.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Stuck

I attempted to take my nephew grouse hunting today, but underestimated the amount of snow in the Mille Lacs area. We were stuck at the parking lot entrance of this WMA until a guy in a big truck took pity and pulled us out. In the near-white out conditions I couldn't see that there was a 6 foot drift from the snow plows and I high-centered the Exploder.

Maybe we shouldn't have been laughing at all those "idiots" in the ditch on our way there. Stupid karma...

Monday, December 29, 2008

New Obsession


I loves me some Italian Sweet Creme.

And it's not just because of my affinity for things that sound gay but aren't. This shit is tasty! It's understated so the flavor of the coffee still comes through.

Wii Bowling vs. Real Bowling

It's hard to beat bowling in your briefs.

I'm Training Again

Kinda.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Hey Hippies, Look Where I Am!

1 Down...

Christmas celebration #1 is in the books. It was awesome. My niece-in-law (or something like that) wanted to have Christmas at her house, and refused to let anyone help with anything.

I, of course, took full advantage of this. I sat. I ate. People brought be drinks. I watched football. Way pimp. Our hostess seemed stressed out, but I didn't let that ruin my day of relaxation!

The only downside was that they have these nasty little Yorkie dogs. I fuckin' hate 'em. Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip. Non-fucking-stop. They're also the kind of people who are stupid overprotective of their little shithead dogs. One of them tried to bite one of the kids, unprovoked, and the kid got yelled at. Piss me right off. I woulda booted that fucker into the wall, but that probably would have caused a wee bit of family drama, thereby harshing my buzz. I wasn't about to do that!

I'm a dog lover, almost to a fault, but these damn things are out of control.

I don't have to work again until January, so I spent yesterday getting my Christmas shopping done. I know, nice advanced planning, huh? I stimulated the shit out of the economy though.

Only 3 Christmas celebrations left! I'm going to go put on my Zubaz.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Classy

Long-Lost NATZ photos

Turns out I never posted photos from the final day of Nationals. Here they be.

Warm-up

Linsey and Giddeon

Keirin Start. Shitty position

Keirin heats. Boxed in. So much for my progress in the tactics department!

Fraley medals in the keirin finals. I spectated.

Team Sprint Team

At The Start

Near-Collision

En-Route to our...

...Podium Finish

Dance Recital

Addi basically stood there staring at the crowd the whole time and didn't dance at all. At least she's cute.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

Score!

The 6-year-old just put the 3-year-old to bed.

Now if I can get him to make me some flapjacks tomorrow morning I'll be set.

The Nuge Rules Sucks Balls But Still Amuses Me

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."

The interview ended at that point.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Counting Cards


Not as easy as in the movies! We had our company "Gangsta Casino" holiday party yesterday. I was going to wear my baggy pants and a bandana, but it turns out that wasn't the right kind of gangsta. Oh well.

Since I couldn't count cards, I went over to the Lucky 7's table, where I found that there was a flaw in the system which allowed me to place my bets in a way that guaranteed I could never lose. The house ended up writing me IOU's because they ran out of chips to give me. I deemed myself the Ultimate Grand Prize Champion of Awesomeness. I also won a gift card to Best Buy.

Then I cleaned up in our no-limit Hold 'Em tournament, eliminating 5 other players in about 15 minutes.

I'm pretty much the greatest gambler of all time.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Aged Gunt

This is perhaps the most awesome story I've ever told.

So I know this guy, let's say he's my cousin (he is) and that his name is Timmy (it's not). Timmy works in a pig barn and is about 150 lbs overweight. He's a great kid, but not really what you'd consider a "catch".

I was happy for him when he told me he'd met a girl online. Her name was Jenn. She was 21 years old and lived in Florida with her parents, where she worked as a waitress. He showed me a really blurry and poorly-composed cell phone picture of her, in which she appeared to be acceptably cute.

Well, lo and behold, she shows up in Minnesota the day before Thanksgiving and moves in with Timmy. Since everyone assumed that poor Timmy would be a lonely bachelor forever, we were all anxious to meet her. We pretty much just sat and stared at the door until they arrived for dinner.

What walked into that house with Timmy took my breath away, and not in a good way. She was possibly the fugliest woman I've ever seen in my life. And I do mean "woman", not "girl". She appeared to be at least 45 years old. She had a giant gunt, was missing teeth, and wore what appeared to be tapered maternity pants (despite not being pregnant). For much of the evening, she had a cigarette in one hand and a Coors in the other. She literally looked like a retired prostitute.

Someone finally took the time to have a chat with Timmy. "Timmy, there's no way she's 21, what's the deal."

To which Timmy replies, "I dunno, she said she is. I've never seen her ID though, because she doesn't get carded when we go to the bar."

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS, RETARD?

They were making out on the couch in front of the whole family. It was aweful. Horrible. Disgusting.

Anyway, weeks went by, and it was the talk of the family. Most guesses of her age ranged from 40-50. More "chats" were had with Timmy. "She told me she looks older because of too much sun exposure in Florida." Um, OK. Then why isn't she tan?

Then yesterday I got the call. She's 44. Her name is Jeanie, not Jenn. She's from Massachussettes, not Florida. She did't live with her parents, she lived with another (presumably psycho) middle-aged woman and hasn't spoken to her parents in over 20 years. She's had her tubes tied, and is old enough to be Timmy's mother.

She begged him for forgiveness.

He dropped her ass off at the train station.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Postponed

My issues with the Stearns County license center have continued.

We were planning a vacation for early January, and only remembered (or were reminded) on Saturday that we would now need passports to leave the country. I called yesterday to find out how long it takes to recieve a passport and was told that if we paid and addional $60 per passport it would be "2 weeks, door-to-door".

We went down to the courthouse today, spent 30 minutes filling out paperwork, and were then told that they "might" arrive in 3 weeks if we paid for expedited processing. We could make it faster by paying yet another $30 per passport for express shipping. Then there would be a "good chance" they would arrive in time.

Excuse the fuck me?

We decided to keep our money and postpone the vacation until after our passports arrive in the standard 4-6 weeks. Hey, January in MN is beautiful, right?

Why is our government so half-assed? If they're going to charge people to process this shit faster, shouldn't there be some sort of guarantee? A business would never be able to run this way, but it's just standard operating procedure for our Federal government.

Fuck.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Fancy As Fuck

And drunks as shit. Holly Ball 2008.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Me = Never Gonna Ride A Tandem


Or race down a mountain.

Reader-Submitted FAILs

I love this shit. Keep 'em coming.

Pizza Labeling Fail [submitted by Cyber Cop]

Prompt Fail [submitted by T3]

Flip-Throw Fail [sumbitted by Super-Rookie]

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Little Behind The Times

I just discovered Apocalyptica, and they kick serious ass. The band was started by 4 classically trained cellists. I've got a "thing" for strings in rock music. Gets me every time. I had to jump through some hoops to get these videos to post, but they're worth watching. The new song with Adam Gontier from Three Days Grace is killer.
video
I didn't have much interest in these guys initially because they did a song with Corey Taylor and I never really liked Slipknot, but it's actually pretty good.
video

Typical Retard Sprinter


Mark Cavendish, winner of 4 Tour de France stages last July, suffered a calf injury while playing a snowboarding game on his Nintendo Wii. The damage has caused him to miss some training.

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Uncanny

funny pictures

LSC Smithers totally looks like The Waterboy

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Recon

Kruse, Brain, and Brandon came to St. Cloud to do some recon to make sure I've been training and I'm not going to bring shame to the team next year. It was cold as shit, but we headed out for a mountain bike ride anyway. I'm glad they convinced me.

I wore goggles, which looked stupid but were awesome.

We started out at North Loop, where we ran into Doom out on the trail. He finished the lap with us and led us through the trails at Riverside, where I proceeded to fall on my ass, much to Brain's delight. Then we headed back for one more lap at North loop. All told, we had a total of 2.5 hours on the bike, which is longer that I've ridden in...shit, I dunno! We got snowed on for most of the ride so the trails were kind of slick, especially the rocks and roots.

I was relatively pleased that I didn't suck horribly. I only went down twice! I'm pretty tired tonight, and my hip hurts, but I'm otherwise in good shape. I think a good time was had by all. It was good to hang out with them fellers, even if they are enduros.

Then we hit up McDonald's for a massive feast. Yes, that is two quarter-pounders, two 4-piece nuggest, a large fry and a soda. Brain's pimp hand is way strong. Also, his scarf is very jaunty.

They also have a kick-ass ergo at McD's. I had to beat up a couple kids to get on it, but it was well worth it.

Here's a little somethin' for the ladies. Remove that wheel, Brain, REMOVE IT!

Monster Jammin' In Style

When ya go to Monster Jam, ya gotta dress the part. That's just how it is.

Max wasn't even embarrassed to be seen with us, although we couldn't get him to dress like a real man.

Anticipation. The ear protections is because it's loud as shit in there!

Batman was loved by all the kids

Brutus. 'Nuff said.

Traffic jam!

Eventual winner Avenger goes ape shit on a perfectly good mobile home.

Escalade hits the jump.

Grave Digger gets big air...

...loses a wheel...

...and crashes into Escalade. Great stuff!

Maximum Destruction tries to wow the crowd...

...but winds up upside-down

Max took all these pictures, and I think he did a hell of a good job. He was rooting for Batman, who took second in the racing and dead last in the freestyle. Ya win some, ya lose some.

Monster Jam is always a blast. If you've never been there, you should go. It kicks ass. Almost every truck winds up on its roof, which is always the best part.