Monday, March 31, 2008


Thanks to Little D, who forwarded me this post from the message boards.
"Now I know why the regulars at the track call the upcoming TT the gay mile! First of all since road bikes with gears are allowed, this event attracts 90% roadies. Have you ever seen a roadie do a standing start? This is quite a sight! After the official does the countdown and says go, there is a pause as the rider trys to get his non existant hamstrings, weak quads and atrophied upper body to do something! Finally the bike begins its crawl forward as the rider sways from side to side as though he was climbing one of long grades in the Tour de France. And bear in mind this is starting with light gears and continually shifting up through the entire first lap. Then after a 30+ second first lap its time to try and make it up with an incredible bad line. Up and down the banking I cant figure out which line red or black the weak roadie is trying to follow! As long as he has his aerobars to point the way then he is safe. Just like when they do there mindless 10 mile TTs on the road. So pedal you weak road loser and lose an estimated 10 seconds in 1 mile because you fail to take track seriously! And you are the only reason why I sign up for this stupid fucking event, because I hate you road loser!!"

Maybe a tad bit overboard, but funny nonetheless.


Both riders crossed the line on their backs.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Because I'm Awesome

That's why she's filming me.

Local access cable, here I come!

Friday, March 28, 2008

We Take This Shit Seriously

Aero helmets are the hottest indoor cycling accessory for Spring.

Coming Soon... a track near you (if you live near Blaine)

Fat Friday

  • Waffles
  • Large mocha from caribou (with whip, thankyouverymuch)
  • Cinnamon bagel with cream cheese
  • Sesame chicken with lo mein

That's 3000+ calories, all before noon.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

No Love

These people did not want me to be in the commercial they were shooting. I asked.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Starting Early

Overcoming Preconcieved Notions

Apparently, I cannot trust myself anymore. I spent a LOT of time setting up the geometry on my new track bike, and I thought I had my bars as low as they could go without compromising power.

Well, I must have mis-measured when I was setting up my ergo, which is all I've ridden for the past month. When I got on my track bike yesterday to ride on the rollers, the bars felt really high. I re-measured, only to find that the bars on my ergo are 1" lower. I've been hitting lots of PR's in this position, so I obviously haven't lost any power. That means I can be a full inch more aero.

Granted, this isn't that cool, but the concept interests me.

I heard a story once about a world class pole vaulter who held a national record, but could never break it, even though he would clear the bar by a full 6 inches. If the bar was moved up even a quarter inch, he would fail. One day, his teammates set the bar 2 inches higher without his knowledge, and he cleared it with 6 inches to spare.

The lesson? Don't let your mind get in the way of what you're capable of.

Run, Don't Walk..

...To buy the Rise Against album "The Sufferer and the Witness". Apparently, this was released in 2006 and escaped me until now. It's awesome. Buy it. Srsly.

Regardless of their musical prowess, that is one ugly bunch of dudes.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Oh Yeah...Stimulate Me

I'm glad the government is giving me money with the "economic stimulus package", but people are just going to go spend the money on goods that feed the economies of other countries. Wouldn't our entire economy be better served simply by more people buying American-made products?

Maybe I'm stupid, but could it be that simple?

Weekly Spew

I work with a 32-year-old man who had Glamour Shots taken. That's super-gay.
Jeffro says "Smart Phone" is the biggest oxymoron ever, and I concur. My phone is stupid as shit. Jeffro knows.
I had my first Cold Press coffee the other day. It was delicious, and I want to learn to make it myself. Alas, I am lazy, and will probably continue to spend $3/cup on it.
I had a dream last night that my body was a baked potato, and the cast of MTV's Road Rules/Real World Challenge was trying to put me back together.
Smithers is back. I'm only surprised it took so long.
I'm incredibly un-flexible. I can't even touch my toes without bending my knees.
I refuse to shovel my driveway in March. It'll melt eventually, and I have 4-wheel drive.
Imitation Obsession cologne is a strange gift to get from your grandma.
I appreciate it when gas stations sell premium for the same price as regular.
I'm sorry I'm not very funny today. You get what you pay for.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Supplement Cupboard

I have expensive pee.

I'm Freakin' Out, Man

My wife decided that we should use these Crest WhiteStrips. I'm not speculating as to the reasons, I'm just following instructions.

In theory, it seems like a decent system. There's strip that holds some gel on your teeth for 30 minutes, twice a day, for 5 days.

The problem is that the second that strip enters my mouth, I have the uncontrollable urge to swallow. I don't know exactly what is in this tooth-whitening gel, but I assume it's not something that's going to be good for me if I eat it.

What ensues is the longest 30 minutes of my life, during which I obsessively focus on not swallowing while at the same time being unable to stop producing mass amounts of saliva, necessitating countless trips to the sink to spit.

To top it off, now my teeth hurt like hell. Son of a...

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Is It Just Me...

...Or did others forget how to pedal over the Winter as well?

Don't get me wrong, I can still put down good power on the ergo and spin at 200+ rpm on the rollers, but I felt really awkward when I finally got out on the road last week. As soon as I got up to top speed I was "pedaling squares" and felt like I wasn't at all in tune with my bike. It must be that I've gone so long without actually having real-live road feedback that I need to re-acclimate myself to it

That'll change soon enough.

Sorry Kids, Easter's Cancelled

The entire extended family now has the flu, so Easter is postponed till next weekend.

Thanks to the 8 people who e-mailed me this picture!


My daughter gave me the stomach flu. Happy Easter, indeed!

Friday, March 21, 2008


These are supposed to be nearly as good as the Dura-Ace pedals, so I'll stick 'em on my road bike. They're about 1/3 of the price, so I'll be happy if they're half as good.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Track Totes For Sale

My mother-in-law is now making custom track totes. I went through 3 iterations of it to get exactly what I want, and now that we have the system figured out, she's willing to make them for others for $40. It's made of super-heavy-duty material and has plenty of room for all your chainrings, cogs, and tools. It folds up to 9"x11.5". For half the price of the EAI tote, I think it's better quality.

Let me know if you're interested.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Every Bike Needs A Name

Franz named his bike "Blade", presumably because of his obsession with Wesley Snipes movies.

I have named mine "Faster Than Franz", for obvious reasons.

Every Freakin' Day

My laptop made it all the way out to the garage today before I forgot it.

Post-Training Nutella

Of course it's healthy. It's on wheat bread!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It's Gonna Be A Long Week

I love the Dura-Ace pedals. They're really secure and give a solid platform for sprinting. I have heard a couple people mention that using the fixed (no float) cleats adds a new dimension to the pedals and enhances the power transfer, so I picked some up.

I've mentioned before that I'm super-anal about bike fit, and cleat position is no exception. It generally takes me at least a week to get them exactly where I want them. The cleat on the right side is the one that always gives me trouble.

I spent about two hours adjusting them, and finally did a few sprints. The left cleat felt fine, but I just couldn't get the right one lined up. With no float, it's even harder to adjust.

After a sprint workout I didn't feel like the fixed cleats really made a difference in performance and I was sick of fiddling with them, so I switched back to my floating cleats. It was at that point that I realized that the fixed cleats do make an impact. The floating cleats suddenly felt sloppy and "vague". There's really no way to describe gots ta feel me to catch what I'm sayin', believe dat!

So now I have get to re-start the process of adjusting the fixed cleats. It'll be worth it in the end. It better be.

Weekly Spew

People with weak handshakes wierd me out big-time. It's like shaking a flaccid penis. Not that I would know.
Almost everyone uses the word "literally" wrong.
My towel smelled absolutely putrid this morning. I must have forgotten to hang it up yesterday.
If Ross Perot were here right now, I'd punch him in the face. I've got my reasons.
I got an e-mail from some guy named Craig, and he wants to relieve my blue balls.
I've mentioned before that I think Ben Stiller is the greatest actor of our time. I stand by that statement.
I'm sick of people describing themselves as "salty" when they're pissed off. That is one of the dumbest adjectives I've ever heard. Ever. "Why are you gettin' all salty?" Shut up, asshat.
I'm probably the only person in the world who thinks of CSI:Miami as a comedy. I just can't get over how big of a blow-hard David Caruso is.
According to my 5-year-old, I'm a really creepy driver.

Monday, March 17, 2008

My Better Is Better Than Your Better

This is my favorite commercial.

What Is This?

I found this little guy at the bike shop yesterday, but I can't figure out what it is. At first I thought it was maybe designed to carry something, but I don't own anything small enough to fit in it. Plus, the strap that goes around it isn't long enough to allow you to strap it to anything, it just latches it shut.

It's got an OLN logo on it, so it's not necessarily supposed to make sense, I suppose.

The first person to tell me what this is can have it, along with the autographed ColdSprints #1 poster that I won in a recent photoshop contest.

Fashion Tips For Teenagers

Yeah, I've become "that guy". I can't walk around the mall anymore without thinking, "Man, that kid sure looks stupid." Here's some tips for kids who have ambitions of someday securing gainful employment:

  • Don't pop your collar. If the compulsion is simply too strong, wear a t-shirt.
  • 14-year-old chubby kids don't make enough money to warrant wearing a XXXL sweatshirt with dollar bills on it.
  • Dammit, does your hat have dollar bills on it, too? Stop that.
  • Take the sticker off your hat and curve the bill. You look like a retard.
  • Stop wearing girl pants if you aren't a girl.
  • Wearing giant, clunky shoes with tight pants makes you look like a clown. Not an ass-clown, but like a real bozo clown. It's just silly.
  • Get a haircut.
  • If you haven't hit puberty yet, stop trying to grow a mustache. It looks like renegade pubes.
  • Get some sun. I've seen albinos with a better tan.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Stupid Kids

Guess how this ended?

Friday, March 14, 2008

I Always Knew Smokers Were Dumb

Don't read too much into the title...I myself used to smoke, and enjoyed it thoroughly. I kind of envy those of you who still do.

But look at this picture:

That woman is making her boyfriend start a fire with two sticks, yet she clearly has a lighter, because she's holding a lit cigarette. You'd think they could put 2 and 2 together.

"You're Gonna Need A Wide-Angle Lense"

Indeed, Franz. Indeed.

I got to ride outside for the first time this year. It was a whopping 53 minutes.

Look how happy Franz is:

Wait, maybe he's not smiling. It could be a gastroinestinal thing. Not sure.

Anyway, this is the view from my cockpit.

My new bike handled superbly on its maiden voyage. All my tedious measuring paid off, because the fit was spot-on.

It's taking a while to get used to the SRAM double-tap shifters. I kept shifting the wrong way. Now that I think about it, I haven't even been on a bicycle with gears in about 8 months. It was kind of nice, but I missed the feeling of being directly connected to the rear wheel.

I don't know how the hell I used to do 4-5 hour road rides. That's wack.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Take The Test

Click Here

That's your daily PSA.

R@p Songs For White People

I wish I could take credit for this idea, but I actually heard it on the radio this morning. I didn't necessarily agree with the list, so I made my own.

  • Digital Underground - Humpty Dance:
    This is perhaps the greatest group to ever have their leader wear a fake nose. Did you know that Tupac was a member of Digital Underground before going solo?
  • Naughty By Nature - OPP:
    Anyone out there know what OPP stands for? I thought not.
  • Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch - Good Vibrations:
    No Comment
  • Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back:
    Few, if any, of the females who dance to this song actually got back.
  • Biz Markie - Just A Friend:
    Possibly the worst rapper of all time, Biz Markie happened to stumble onto a hit that just won't go away.
  • Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is):
    This song was a staple at the local roller rink. I have not-so-fond memories of skating around for hours, hoping the pretty girls would notice me. Hey look! I can go backwards! What? You don't care? Oh.
  • House of Pain - Jump Around:
    Everlast used to be in a bad-ass Irish rap group. Remember that? Back before he tried to regain his relevance by starting a feud with Eminem and getting his ass lyrically anhilated?
  • Snoop Doggy Dogg - Gin and Juice:
    Have you ever actually tried gin with juice? Not for me.
  • OutKast - Hey Ya:
    I despise this song, yet can't turn it off when it comes on the radio. Stupid OutKast.
  • Ton Loc - Wild Thing/Funky Cold Madina:
    Ton Loc wrote the exact same song twice, with slightly different words. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not.

I know many of you will think that I forgot about Vanilla Ice. I did not. People don't actually like his songs, they just think of him as a joke.

My favorite part of all this is seeing people try to rap along with the songs. They usually only know the chorus, yet mumble along with the entire song. "(mumble muble mumbe) You down with OPP...YEAH YOU KNOW ME (mumble mumble mumble)". You're not fooling anyone!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Trimming The Fat

I was always under the impression that sprinters are just supposed to be big and powerful. So I ate. And lifted. And ate. I ate pretty much everything in sight. The proverbial "see food" diet.

After doing some work with an SRM to determine my max watts, I was sitting on the crapper yesterday playing with the calculator on my cell phone. It was at that point that I discovered what a big difference a small amount of body weight can make in watts/kg. A difference as small as 5-10 pounds can mean the difference between being good locally and being good nationally.

I know 10 pounds is a lot for some of you skinny kids, but it's really not that much once you're 200+.

I eat a lot of good foods now, but I combine them with a lot of bad foods. So I'm going to start eating healthier. Not really a "diet" per se, but just cutting out some of the junk food to drop my body fat percentage a couple points. I guess my beloved Chicken McNuggest will have to find a home in someone else's love handles.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


None of these deserved their own post, so here's some random crap that went through my head:

I bet there were a lot of car accidents yesterday because everyone was adjusting their clocks on the way to work.
I work with the world's most annoying woman.
Has anyone actually ever sold anything through the MCF classifieds? I see a lot of items get posted, but none that actually sell.
It's pointless to try to sell things to riders who get team discounts. They always try to talk you down by saying "Well I can get this for blah blah blah from blah's shop." Well then go buy it there, dick.
I wish I could wear sweatpants to work
The best way to intimidate someone is to inform them that they "don't know who they're messing with." I saw it in action twice over the weekend, and it was amazing.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Franz's First Ergo Workout

Note: if you don't like swearing, turn the sound off.

This is Franz's 8th 15-second sprint. Everyone else out there is working themselves this hard, right?

Working the System

I was walking into work a couple days ago when this guy almost ran me over as he sped through the parking lot. He squealed into the handicapped spot, then got out and JOGGED INTO THE OFFICE. Handicapped my ass!

Must be mental.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

For Sale

CyclOps Fluid2 trainer with riser block. It's 3-4 years old and works like new. If you read this blog regularly, you know I don't put on many miles, so this trainer has seen limited use.

$175 takes it. Click the "Contact Me" button over on the right.


Franz Fought The Ergo, And The Ergo Won

I think this photo speaks for itself.

Welcome back, sucka!

Faster And Dumber Than Ever

I loaded up the ergo and drove to Big Dave's house for round 2 of power calibration. I think wearing my Speedfix jersey gave me an extra boost of power, because I maxed out at 2045 watts! That's 22 watts/kg for those who are curious as to how fat I am right now (do the math, slacker).

I've now got lots of data to go through. Sounds like a Monday morning project.

I'm pretty sure my watts are directly proportional to my stupidity, because I forgot my shoes at Dave's house. Crap.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Brake Time

After 1 hour and 3 drill bits, I now have a brake on my ergo. This is a big deal for me, because now my wife will let me ride it while the kids are in the basement with me.

I had an old Cane Creek Cross-Top lever that I used, which worked perfectly.

The position of the brake calipers required me to move the fan blades down about 1cm, which will affect my power curve calculation. Good thing I'm meeting up with Big Dave tomorrow to calibrate it again...a meeting that was necessitated by some "misplaced" data from our previous session.

Facebook Review

I had an account on Facebook for roughly two weeks. I cancelled it because it annoyed the shit out of me.

The first 2-3 hours were spent just figuring how to navigate through the most un-intuitive user interface ever concocted.

The subsequent days were spent trying to determine why Facebook exists. Once I came to terms with the fact that it serves no purpose, everything started to make sense. You can't actually DO anything with's just there. Yippee-freakin'-doo.

I inadvertently sent "friend requests" (how gay is that?) to everyone in my GMail address book, which included several people I don't people I've sold things to on e-bay, random Craigslist people, and a couple junk-mailers...good times.

Within days, I started getting bombarded with "friend requests" from random people I went to high school with, which I summarily ignored. Listen, asshole, I didn't like you then...why would we be e-friends now?

I got "de-friended" by a couple people for leaving what I thought were funny comments on some of their photos. I guess people take themselves pretty seriously. I can't relate to that.

It basically allows people to talk big and make unsubstantiated claims, and silence all detractors. Very Fascist.

The worst part, by far, it the concept of a "Wall". No shit, people come and "write on your wall", which is basically leaving you a note. If you read someone's "wall", everything posted there is completely out of context and makes absolutely no sense. It's borderline infuriating.

My final squibble is that it ultimately is just too impersonal. It's locked down so tightly that no one's true personality is allowed to come through. Users can't really write much about themselves aside from the kind of cookie-cutter information you would find on dating sites (not that I would know, but it seemed like a good analogy).

Blogging is way better.

Thursday, March 06, 2008


This ain't a history lesson, son, that's the number of watts I put down on Big Dave's SRM last night.

Dave was nice enough to drag his sickly ass out of bed to help me calibrate the power for my ergo. He even got dressed up for the occasion.

Now I'm spending the day crunching numbers to get the proper formula for power. Great fun!

As you can see, I added a tire to the ergo. Not only does this help with aesthetics, but it also adds rotating weight to the wheel for a more realistic feel when rolling up to gpeed.

JJJ was nice enought to bring over a super-long-reach brake for me, so I can spare my kids' fingers if they get to close. My insurance carrier thanks you.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I've said it before...

"Trying is the first step toward failure." I had three failed projects tonight, all involving my ergo.

First, I planned to solder the fan blades to the spokes to eliminate any twisting. It turns out that solder is pretty flexible, and has crappy tensile strength.

My next project was to remedy an issue I was having with the rubber pads sliding off the feet of the ergo because the manufacturer used some really crappy adhesive to hold them on. I bought a metal drill bit and some metal screws, and was planning to screw the pads to the feet (can't tell if that sounds dirty or not. I kinda don't think so).

Well, the feet pivot around on a ball structure (ok, now that sounds dirty), so I was only able to drill in about 1/16 of an inch before I hit said ball, and no screws exist that are short enough.

My fater-in-law does auto upholstery, and had some industrial-strength contact adhesive, and this seems to have done the trick. Time will tell.

My final task was to add some weights to the wheel of the ergo to add some standing start resistance. The ergo's builder told me to use adhesive wheel weights (like they use for cars), but I couldn't find any at the auto parts store (apparently they only sell the adhesive ones at tire stores). I purchased some regular clip-on wheel weights, hoping they would work. They don't.

That didn't stop me from hammering on 36 of them and taping them to the rim to see the affect of the added weight.

I can definitely feel a difference, but this particular technique of adding weights will not work. I only had to add one pound, so I may just try putting a heavy tire and tube on the wheel.

Are you starting to pick up on the fact that I have a touch of OCD?

Total time wasted: 3.5 hours
Total dollars wasted: $36.42
Total trips involved: 4
Total plans fulfilled: 0

Tonight I meet up with Big Dave to calibrate my power. Hopefully my results are better.

Fat Ass

1 row <> 1 serving. I love brownies.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Flatscreen, Meet Freeway

So I know this guy who had an unfortunate incident the other day. We'll call him "Bert".

Bert went to Best Buy and bought a brand new, expensive flat screen TV. He had borrowed a pickup to bring it home. Guess how he loaded the TV?

That's right, he set it sideways against the tailgate. Guess what happened when he got out on the freeway?

That's right, the wind flipped the TV out of the back of the pickup. Guess what happened after the TV hit the pavement?

Yep, the car behind him smoked it.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Grand Rios

We spent the weekend at Grand Rios indoor waterpark. It was way pimp. It's the first waterpark I've been to that's actually fun for adults and kids.

They had this funnel-thingy slide, which kicked major ass.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

2 for 1

This was probably the worst Gin & Tonic I've ever had...but at least there were two of them.