Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bodacious P is a POS

Bodacious P has been the worst blog contributor in the history of blog contributors. He's made two posts, one about his step-dad shitting himself and one about being embarassed of me. Plus, his grammar makes him sound like a half-wit. To be honest, he's really not even THAT bodacious.

You're fired, asshole. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

Timmer Punks Us All

Has no one else noticed this yet?

Holy Crap!

Time to start riding my bike more...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I just sold this hog on e-bay. Next up for sale is my Cross-Check.


Ted and I went out bowfishing for dogfish with his 12-year-old son over the weekend. I didn't know what to expect, but it turned out to be one of the coolest hunting experiences I've ever had!

We started by checking some streams, but didn't see any fish. Then we hopped in the fishing boat and paddled around some shallow, weedy areas. Dogfish tend to bury themselves in the mud, but once we figured out their game, we were seeing them all over the place.

It helps that they're relatively stupid and don't always retreat when an arrow narrowly misses them, providing several opportunities for success. The water throws off the visual perception of where the fish is actually located, so we needed to aim about 12 inches lower than we thought. This was a hard concept to get through my head. It took me six attempts to get my first dogfish. Ted was the Great Dogfish Hunter, shooting the largest fish and taking only 2 tries to do it. Great success! We each came home with one fish, and we saw close to 10.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Apple Duathlon - always a bridesmaid

Saturday saw the continuation of our not-winning streak in the Apple Duathlon. My friend Ryan and I have done this race as a relay 5 years in a row, and we got second this year. Again.

Even with the crappy conditions we were able to better our time from last years' race by over 4 minutes, so I guess I have no complaints. I had the 5th fastest bike time out of 48 teams and Ryan had the 2nd fastest times on both runs. Nice! I felt strong for the first 12 miles, but had a hard time keeping my head in the race going into the headwind on the finishing stretch.

One of the relay teams had their runner go AWOL, so the mayor of Sartell stepped up to run in his stead. That is one cool-ass mayor!

Former roadie hot-shot Eric Hanson was there, and he didn't even try to fight anyone in the transition area this year. I thought that was very big of him.

Fellow Loonie Tom Manderfeld kicked my ass on the bike by almost 2 minutes. We need to get him out on the road, because he will dominate.

The overall men's winner broke the course record by over 2 minutes. That is insane. This is one of the premier duathlons in the country, with $4K in prize money split between the top three finishers, so it's not like he was at some podunk backcountry race. Like I said, that is insane.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Aerobars and Drinky

Track racing was cancelled last night due to "persistent rain". I took the opportunity to get at least one ride on my road bike with aerobars prior the Apple Duathlon. I spent almost an hour fiddling with my position before heading out to demoralize myself into a 20mph headwind. Not the ideal way to inspire confidence.

I got home and decided I wanted to get drunk. I loaded up the wife and went to Mexican Village for some Pollo Fundido and a pitcher of Margaritas.

From there we went to the Martini Bar for some girly drinks.

Then it was home to sit in the hot tub with a tall glass of Cuervo Black and Pepsi. The rest is kind of a blur and my brain feels like mush today.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

More Pics

My Sis-In-Law got some awesome shots last Saturday. I should always have a photographer to take pictures of me. Any volunteers?

Warm Ups

Hey Ted, I think we got a gap

Chariot Start
Chariot Finish

Look at all that blue and gold. It's beautiful.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Random Crap

The weather made my decision about which night to race an easy one. Hopefully it clears up by tomorrow night.
I exist! That's right, ladies and gentlemen...I am "Others to watch in the men's field" in the most recent Power Rankings. I am also bigger than Ted and Donimator (by proxy). They even spelled my last name wrong. That's how you know when you're important.

I used to think the Power Rankings were lame, but now I see that they may be onto something.
I may also have been selected for Ray's team. I'm pretty sure he was talking about Ted, but I'm on Loon State too, so I might claim it. Plus, I'm a kid (comparitively).
My cell phone doesn't work inside my office at work. I never realized how peaceful this would make my days.
Less than 3 weeks until we have to move out of our house and into our "interim living arrangements" while our new house is being built. I am not stressed...yet.
I don't really ride my road bike anymore, so I might sell it and get another track bike to use for outdoor training. I can't decide. I'm sure the day after I sell it I'll decide I need a road bike. Maybe I should keep it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Decisions, Decisions....

I can't decide whether to go to the track on Wednesday or Thursday this week. Can't do both.

Wednesday is flying 200's, which I've really been focusing my training on. It would be nice to get some times.

Thursday is race night, and I could probably get enough points to get my Cat 3 upgrade. What to do?

Book Review

Ted loaned me "The Average American Male: A Novel" by Chad Kultgen. The is probably the most entertaining book I've ever read. Not the BEST book I've ever read, but incredibly entertaining nonetheless.

It's basically a candid, uncensored look inside this guy's head as he goes about his daily life, thinking about fucking everyone and everything. And that's pretty much it.

My wife read the first chapter and says she's lost all faith in men.

If you go here, you can actually read the first few chapters online. Check it out.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Hello Velo Pics

Unkown Distance

Chariot Prelims. Photo credits for this one go to

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Hello Velo, LSC 1-2-3

Where the hell was everyone? The 4/5 field was half the size of the Thursday night race, and the 3's barely had enough bodies to run 2 heats in their sprint race.

The first race of the night was the standard 10-lap scratch race. I wasn't feeling very warmed up, so I was hanging out at the back of the pack, letting everyone else reel in the breakaway attempts. Coming into the bell lap, I was about 4 riders high, and I knew it was now or never. The group was starting to get pretty sketchy, so I went really high up over the top and realized that Ted and I had a good gap. I wasn't about to work my ass off to contest a sprint against Ted, so I held his wheel and he towed me across the line for a 1-2 finish. Alex took 3rd. Nice showing for LSC!

Next up was the Chariot prelims. I was riding for redemption, because the last time I raced a Chariot I made some tactical errors and ended up getting boxed out. I got the jump off the line and was leading on the first lap. I looked back and saw that Timmer was up at the rail. I wasn't about to wait around for him to take advantage of the banking. I hit it hard - much earlier than I wanted to - and ended up winning by a decent margin.

One energy drink later, and I was ready for the finals. Our first attempt got restarted because a guy tipped over at the start. Oops. Restart. Coming around the first turn, I'm on the outside with D. Wold trying to hold me up-track. Fuck it, time to go! I came down around the field and held on for the win. Alex was 2nd, and Ted 3rd, for another LSC 1-2-3.

The last race of the night was an "Unknown Distance". I gambled and lost...big-time. A group of about 6 of us broke off the front, with Timmer leading the charge. We were working well together, and I was praying to hear the gun. I took a chance on the bell lap coming up soon, and decided to really push the pace when I got on the front. No go. I finally got to the point where I knew that even if they rang the last lap I wouldn't have anything left to give, so I sat up. They rang the bell on the very next lap (go figure). Timmer took the win, with Alex in 2nd. I limped in somewhere around 10th place.

I got the win in the omnium, with Alex 2nd and Ted 3rd. Seems the Cat 3 field could benefit from a few more riders, and I know 3 Loonies who'd love to join 'em.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Where's the Memo?

Am I the only one who didn't know stamps now cost 41 cents? Is USPS trying to raise money to fund another cycling team, or is there another reason they feel it costs this much to mail a flippin' letter across town?

I guess I'm just bitter because all my bills got returned.

First Race Night

Overall, racing went better than expected last night, even though I kinda got screwed on the last race of the night.

The first race was a 10-lap scratch race. I'd been putting a lot of pressure on myself to win this one...I just needed to validate all the damn training I've been doing over the winter. With just over 5 laps to go, Timmer says "Let's go". When Timmer tells you it's time to go, it's fuckin' time to go! I hopped on his wheel for a few laps and was in second position coming into the final lap. I sprinted out of turn 2 and took the win. Big props to Timmer, because he essentially gifted me the win. Thanks bro.

By this time everyone was hacking shit out of their lungs. Gotta love the first race of the season!

The next race was a Miss & Out. Apparently I'm completely unable to focus on what's going on around me, because I got pulled halfway through the race. I thought there were still 2-3 guys back behind me, but I guess not! Ted ended up in second...not bad for a race he hadn't planned to do well in.

Ted and I conspired with Timmer to try to take a lap on the field in the final race of the night, a points race. Timmer led us out right after the first sprint lap, and Ted sacrificed himself to help us tag back on to the back of the pack. I heard the announcer say that we had gained 20 points by lapping the field, so I just sat in the group for the rest of the race. I did take 3rd in one sprint, while Timmer was off the front all by himself for the entire race. I figure this assured me second place in the race and a win in the omnium.

It was not to be. The officials had decided not to give us the lap, so the only points I got were for one 3rd place sprint for 5th overall in the race. The only explanation I was given was "Bob said you guys took a lap, but he was wrong, and I'm sorry if it affected your race." Shit.

I still took 3rd in the omnium, and should have enough points to upgrade to Cat 3 within the next few weeks.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Why I'm a Sprinter

Aside from the fact that it's where my natural inclination lies, there are a few reasons I prefer sprinting:

  • Transparency: For the most part, I can tell what I'm up against. In distance sports, the best athletes never seem to "look like athletes". It hurts my ego to get beat by a guy who's 130 lbs and looks like he just left chess practice. Sprinting, it's generally the guy with the big legs who looks like he'd be fast.
  • Distance: I do not like to suffer for long periods of time. I can hurt REALLY bad for a short amount of time, but I am not a long-suffering fella.
  • Speed: I like going fast. It amuses me.
  • Vanity: I get to lift weights as part of my cycling training. If I can be good at biking and not look like The Chicken, I'm happy.
  • Time Commitments: My workouts are generally 45 minutes or less. With two kids and a job, this fits well into my daily life.
  • Intensity: I'm a bit of a spaz, and I need an outlet for my energy. Giving 100% in a sprint seems to de-spaz me right quick.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Song of the Day

"Dig" by Incubus. This was "their song" at the wedding I was at on Saturday, which I thought was really cool.


I managed to electrocute myself last night. That hurts like a bitch! I was plugging in the baby monitor, and I must have had my thumb wrapped around the plug touching one of the prongs. Zapped me but good.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Vasectomy Tips

For T3

Do not, under any circumstances, allow your general practitioner to perform your vasectomy. Ever. Seriously. Do you really want to have to go through it twice? No? Then don't let your fucking general practitioner do it!

Get a referral to the Urologist of your choice, who will then ask you if you're sure you want to do this. You say yes, and he sets up a date for surgery. Two months later you bring in a "sample", and they tell you that you have no spermazoa. Yippee! One month after that, you do it again. This time they tell you you're now considered sterile. High five!

Yes, it may cost a little more, but can you really put a price on your balls? The answer is "no".


For Trish:

Though I have no personal experience, I do see a lot of commercials. From what I gather, the Tampax Pearl costs twice what normal tampons cost because it has a braided string. I know this because they state in their advertising that this is a feature. All tampons are rendered useless if the string cannot be used for removal, so I can see where this would be desireable. It also expands to fit, but I imagine that is a function of cotton rather than just this particular tampon.

However, for my money, I give the nod to Original Tampax Multipax. Why? 3 different absorbancies in one box: Super, Regular, and Lites. Booya!

Topic Suggestions....

It happened. I'm out of shit to write about.

I'm opening up the floor to suggestions. I will post about anything you can suggest. Want me to write a poem? Done. Want to hear my opinion on the best tampons? Sure! Wanna hear my position on the war? Shove it. I don't do politics.

Bring 'em on.

Monday, May 14, 2007

King in the Castle

I have 4 free soda coupons for the vending machines at work. Very nice!


Miracles DO happen, because my friend Chris found someone to marry him!

Kid #2 was sick, so Kristin had to stay home. That sucks, cuz she's really cute and I wanted to show her off (Kristin that is, the kids were going to stay with my mom). Kids ruin everything! I ended up riding down to St. James with some other friends.

It's always a blast when I get together with the old crew from high school, and this was no different. I don't recall doing anything too stupid, but I very well could have.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Flying 4K's

Track Training Group

I went down to Blaine last night for some flying 4K's. Damn, I forgot how long 16 laps feels! We ended up doing five of them, and I'm still coughing shit up this morning. This is why I'm a sprinter. I didn't know I could hurt so bad riding in a little baby 84" gear.

The new wheels were awesome. Super-stiff and light as hell.

It was cool to meet and hang out with a bunch of guys I've only known by name prior to yesterday. The comaraderie makes it a lot more fun. I got started riding the track so late in the year last fall that I didn't really have much of a chance to make any contacts, but I'm hoping to change that this year.

Racing starts in a week...can't wait!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Backwards Baby

Addison picked out a new baby at the store yesterday. It wasn't until we got home that we realized that the legs had been sewn on backwards.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


I gotta give huge props to Luke at Granity City Cycles. He works his ass off to keep our bikes on the road and track down the random shit that I decide I need for my track bike. He also does the nicest job of gluing up tubulars I've ever seen.

Last night we went in to buy my son a new bike. They didn't have one in his size on the floor, so Luke built it up for us while we waited. The guy is just an all-around superstar.

Thanks for working your ass off in one of the most thankless jobs in cycling. We all appreciate it.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Wedding Gift

I'm going to my friend Chris's wedding next weekends, so we went to Target today to get them a gift. Since everyone seems to buy the same gifts, I always look for the items on the gift registry that no one else would ever buy. BINGO! Urine Gone, featuring a "scientific black light" (yeah, REAL scientific).

I also got them the car air fresheners they registered for. I am an awesome friend.

The Rocket is Ready

New wheels, new BB, ready to rock.

Marty Road Race

Today gave me a whole new perspective on running a race. I didn't race, I just came out to volunteer. I was in charge of organizing the corner marshals and police, and then just to fill in where I was needed. The whole day was actually quite frantic.

All the corner marshals were AWESOME...thanks to everyone for your help! We got a lot of compliments on how awesome the whole route was patrolled. Sweet!

After the second wave of volunteers showed up to replace those that were racing at 1:30, I had to drive the wheel truck for the last lap of the 1/2 race. I ended up with a Gumpy's rider named Amy in the truck with me (she was trying to catch Matt Anderson to get her dry clothes). It was bad-ass to see the race playing out from right behind the lead group. On the final climb of the day, Timmer got dropped by the group, so I yelled some words of encouragement out the window. At the crest of the hill he dug deep, caught up to the pack, and blew right by them! This got the other riders on their toes. He ended up getting 6th or so, but that guy's got some huge balls.

Doug won again, of course. Cullen also scored a huge win against a stacked 35+ field, and local guy Steve Cragle got 4th. Unfortunately there was huge crash at the end, but no one appeared to be seriously injured.

I then made a few laps of the course to make sure all the corners were covered, then went to the bar to get some brats with the Grandstay guys. It took like 40 minutes to get two brats and sodas, but it was fun to hear all the 1/2 guys talking about the different aspects of racing.

I then headed out to the feed zone to do hand-ups for a couple of our Cat 3 guys. Poor Peter had gotten dropped from the group on the tailwind section. Due to being under 18, he's forced to have a top gear of only 52x14, and he just couldn't spin fast enough to stay with the group at 45mph. I heard the story from him no less than 4 times, so it must have been true.

Some guy in the following picture tried to take one of the water bottles from me, then got pissed when I wouldn't give it to him. Dude, it's not yours...

I also stuck around to cheer on the stragglers. Those guys are hardcore. You're out of contention, it's 60 degrees and raining with a 30mph wind, and you keep going. Heroic.

In the 4's, LSC went 2-3 with Jake Cohen and John Rotach. I'm sure other did awesome today too, but I didn't see the end of all the races.

I have a whole new respect for how much work goes into organizing a race. I've volunteered at races before, but never where I was involved with the whole day. Guys like Jim Bell put in twice as much work as I did, plus they had their own races to ride. Nice work, guys.

At the end, one of the Cadets who was helping the sheriffs patrol the course thought he had lost one of his radios. He hadn't, but he was very very concerned about it. They must do some sort of ritualistic floggings when rookies lose county equipment. Hopefully it all worked out OK.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Get 'Bent

What is the deal with recumbents? Doesn't anyone realize how stupid they look riding one? It breaks my heart every time I see some baby-boomer with an 80's porn star mustache riding a 'bent with a huge fucking flag sticking up from the back.

I don't personally know anyone who owns one, but it makes me wonder how people justify these things to themselves. Is it comfort? Do they think it's cool? It's not.

Is a recumbent what you buy when you've given up on life?

Worst Grey's Anatomy Ever!

Grey's Anatomy sucked balls last night. Even worse, it sucked balls for two whole hours! It's been rumored that Kate Walsh is going to have her own spinoff show next season, and to that end, half of last night's show centered around a completely different cast of characters in a completely different location. Note to ABC: no one cares! They also made her seem like a complete psycho. Great I REALLY want to watch the show :-(

WTF is wrong with TV execs? Go out on the street and ask a few people, "Hey, would you watch a show starring that baby doctor from Grey's Anatomy that no one cares about?" I would guess the answer would be a resounding "NO". Good luck. Now you've ruined two shows.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Group Ride

Tonight we had a big crew show up at Granite City Cycles to do Jim's version of a "recover ride", which consists of averaging around 20mph for 4 hours. I cut off early because my legs are KILLING me from my gym workout last night. I still won every sprint I contested. My friend Poopy got second in every single sprint. Every one. Poor little guy.