Friday, August 31, 2007

Government Assistance

It's time for me to get a little political. This post was inspired by an article I just read that says bankruptcies are up 60% from last year. This is AFTER a new law to lower the number of bankruptcies came into effect.

There's got to be a better way to determine who qualifies to file bankruptcy. I would think we could hire one person (preferable me) to review all the cases. If your debt is due to uncontrollable circumstances such as illness, being laid off, or some other emergency, I think you deserve a fresh start.

However, if you racked up a bunch of debt buying a big house, boat, cars, and other toys you can't afford, the debt collectors should be able to take everything you own and leave you with a tent and a moped, because it's your own damn fault.

The U.S. is creating a culture where no one is held accountable for their actions. Actually, I think it's too late. The number of capable individuals receiving government handouts is ridiculous, and no one seems to care. What ever happened to taking pride in working hard and providing a good life for your family?

Race Recap

Damn, it felt good to be racing again! I only got to do 2 races tonight, since I'm not "Madison Certified", but it was still a blast. I even took 2nd in the omnium on my first night of racing as a Cat 2!

Our first race was a 15-lap Tempo. I utilized my patented 3-lap sprint method to get the first 6 points of the race, then promptly got dropped and lapped. I lost all my points because of it, but I still somehow ended up in 5th place in the race. Don't ask me how. I'll never understand the scoring system of a tempo race. I probably wouldn't have gotten lapped, but I was so blown up from the first 3 laps that every time I had someone to work with I fucked it up. Oxygen debt does strange things to a guy.

The second and final race of the night was a Win & Out. I was hoping to win this one, because I knew I'd be fucked if I didn't get the first sprint. I knew Ferris was the guy to beat in this race, so I marked him for the first lap, then got the jump on him coming into the bell lap. I pedalled my ass off till I was cross-eyed and came away with the win. Ferris held on for second then proceed to flop around on the ground like a Crappie for 45 minutes after the race. Man, can that guy dig deep!

Franz won the Cat 3 State Keirin in a close finish. This is his 4th gold medal of the year. Nice work! You know what they say about Masters riders and their medals...

I'll post videos of the Keirin later today.

Frye came out for his first night of racing and did a nice job, and even had a solo crash! He clearly had plenty of fitness, and will pick up on the tactics quickly. The short races require you to ride a lot more aggressively and not worry about conserving energy for later. It generally takes a couple races to figure it all out.

It was an awesome night, and I'm a little bummed that we're almost at the end of the season.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


I'm really excited for racing tonight. It's been too long. This will be my first night racing as a Cat 2. Only 3 weeks left!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Spy Photos

Our investigative team has uncovered some spy photos of Franz's almost-complete custom Spicer track bike.

Yellow makes me happy.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I Break Shit: Redux

As I've said before, I break shit. It's what I do.

Since my last post, I have broken:

  • My cyclocomputer. I zip-tied the wire too tight and it wore through the casing. This seems like it would be a no-brainer, but I guess I fucked it up.
  • My shoe. I somehow broke a plastic piece off the side of my shoe while doing standing starts. What's odd is that the piece that broke is not integral to the shoe's construction, nor does it bear any pressure at any time. It just broke.

Pete got knocked the hell out!

Bodacious P got hit hard after the whistle during his last football game, and required a trip to the hospital.

I talked to him today and he is happily doped up, but nursing some whiplash and one hell of a headache.

When the doctor informed him that he couldn't play football for 6 weeks, a groggy Pete replied, "Don't say that shit in front of my know I'm not going to sit out for 6 weeks!"

ValleyFair Blows

While the rest of the cycling community was enjoying the State Road Race in Avon (presented by Lumber One beeyotch!), I was at a company function at ValleyFair.

Max was sick, so it was just Kristin and me. I figured it wouldn't be too busy because everyone would be at the State Fair. Wrong. We were there for 4 hours and went on 3 rides. All we did was stand in line. It was fucking horrible!

At least I got to drive the Antique Autos.

I would say I'm never going to ValleyFair again, but where else can you get a mini donuts and soda for $12? Oh, that's right, the State Fair.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I Was Right!

I predicted that our Team Sprint team would dominate. Today, we set a new district record with a 49.64! How cool is that?

We don't have the official splits yet, but I was hand-timed at 14.57 for my lap, which I'm really pleased with.

The DGC made the most of his flight home from Canadia to medal in 4 events! He got first in the Kilo, Team Sprint, and Team Pursuit, and 3rd in the individual pursuit. What a stud!

Here he is in his new LSC skinsuit. Look how happy he is.

Although there were some high points, it was a mind-numbingly boring day. We sat around watching TT's and pursuits for 4 hours before the team sprint.

Timmer threw down the fastest pursuit of the day with a 4:59. Incredible.

Dan Wold and Franz bet a case of beer on who would do the fastest opening lap in the team sprint. I hope Franz shares that Blue Moon!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

This is the Story Skibby...

Gert presents us with a thrilling tale full of heroism and heartache. This is the story of Skibby's solo Madison.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Trying is the first step towards failure...

I wanted to be that guy. You know, the guy who just loves to ride his bike. The guy who commutes 365 days a year. The guy who values functionality over beauty.

At least I thought that's what I wanted. I tried, but it just ain't me.

I'm not that hardcore. I don't like to ride in the rain. I don't like things simple. I don't like to stop and smell the roses. I want to have the fastest, the coolest, the best. I don't like to settle for anything less.

I'm a racer, pure and simple. Maybe that's not the true spirit of cycling. I don't give a shit anymore.

I may ride to work if I feel like it, but I won't scold myself for driving.

That being said, I have a Redline 925 for sale. Shoot me an e-mail, I'll give you a hell of a good price.

I'm sure it's a great bike for somebody...just not me.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Tip of the Day

I always have a hell of a time adjusting my cleats on my shoes whenever I replace either. I figured I should buy new cleats when my old ones looked like this:

In order to replicate the same cleat position that I spent weeks perfecting, I painted around the outside of them with nail polish. I then had an exact template for putting the new ones on.

Purple is pretty.

St. Cloud - Bike Shop Capital of the World

We just had another damn bike shop open up. That makes 6 shops in little ol' St. Cloud: Granite City Cycles (shout out to the sponsor!), Revolution, Scheels, Fitzharris, Rod's Bike Shop, and our newest edition, Erik'$$$$. Yeah, now we have to deal with those stupid fucking commercials.

Does any other place have more bike shops per capita?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Damn Kids

This is what we found on the basement floor when we went to check out the progress on our new house.

Apparently some teenagers have been using the basement to get high. Guess it's time to start keeping the fucker locked up.

Why don't they just drive around and get high like in the good ol' days? What's with the B&E shit?

To be completely honest, this is a rather impressive and artistic rendition of a pot leaf. Still, stay outta my fuckin' house.

Monday, August 20, 2007


This is a problem.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

All Dressed Up and No Place to Go

Yet another rain-out. I had my good luck charm all decked out in the Maillot Jaune, too.

Team Sprint domination will just have to wait.

Friday, August 17, 2007


I'm now officially a Cat 2.

Do I have to learn how to do Madison throws now?

This means I can't ride the Cat 3 State Keirin, but I do get a chance at redemption in the 1/2 KOS Keirin on the 30th.

I took a couple weeks off of racing to regroup and regain my enthusiam, and it worked. With nationals only 6 weeks away I've got my motivation back to keep training my ass off.

See ya Saturday (or Sunday if it rains).

Thursday, August 16, 2007

GD Emo Kids (I have a giant ass)

The skinny-ass emo kids are ruining my clothes-buying experience.

Does no one do any type of activity that would cause their legs to be bigger around than their arms? Who the hell are clothing designers actually designing things for? Fucking emo kids, that's who.

Basically, what I'm whining about is that I can't find jeans that fit over my ass. If they fit my ass, they don't fit my waste. If fit my waste, I usually can't get them over mid-thigh.

I currently have 2 pars of jeans that I can wear. Life is so unfair.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Don't Mind If I Do...

This kind of reminds me of the time in high school when we changed "PAUL'S FOOD PRIDE" to "AL'S POOP RIDE".

Monday, August 13, 2007

5 Years and the Pain Still Lingers...

My best friend Jeremy was killed in a plane crash 5 years ago today.

He had been staying on my couch, and just never came home one night. I got the call from his dad the next morning.

It seems like just yesterday we were out partying and making fun of the fat people at Old Country Buffet.

I'm going to get his initials added to my memorial tattoo (pics later) sometime this week. I've been putting it off because it gives the death a sense of finality. I guess it's time for some closure.

Jeremy lived more in his 22 years than most people do in a lifetime.

I still miss ya, buddy.

Rock Lords

I'm often asked, "Tenacious T, have you always been the genius that you are today?"


To illustrate, I shall relate a story from my early years.

I was about 4 years old, playing Rock Lords outside with the neighbor kid, Ricky (who was/is a huge piece of shit). I went in the house to pee, and when I came out, Ricky informed me that some older kids had come by and thrown my favorite Rock Lord onto the roof.

My dad came out with the ladder, but was unable to find the missing Rock Lord. Twas a sad day.

A couple months later, I was over at that little cocksucker Ricky's house, and I saw a Rock Lord JUST LIKE MINE in his room.

I asked him if I could borrow it. He said no. I said please. He agreed (I'm VERY persuasive).

I never gave it back.


Friday, August 10, 2007

New Sperm...


It's been brought to my attention that The Taint and The Man In Black-and-Yellow (Team Sub-11, brought to you by NOW Bikes and Fitness!) think that recruiting Goldmember will bring them Team Sprint victory.

The aero-ness of my helmet and the intimidating (and dare I say sexy!) look on my face say different.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

My Arch Nemesis

This is the asshole Great Blue Heron that wakes me up every morning.

Yeah, you BETTER fly away, fucker!

For those who don't know, Herons make the single most unpleasant sound on the face of the earth.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Like Putting Spinners on a Chevette

That's right, Ted and Gert are putting a Zipp disc on a rental bike.


Hey you...yeah, you. Come over here.

Nice cock. Yeah, I'm commenting on your cock. Why? Because you must be waiting for someone to do so, otherwise you wouldn't have been standing around the locker room naked for the last 45 minutes.

You were naked when I got here. I did a full workout, and you're STILL NAKED!

You're not showering, you're not getting dressed, you're not DOING anything. You're just walking around naked. No one wants to see it. Even the gay kid in the corner over there is starting to feel awkward.

Put your fucking clothes on and get the fuck out of here, perv.

Have a nice day.

Hey Donimator

Can your Caddy do this?

Monday, August 06, 2007

State Match Sprint Recap

OK, I'm recovered from the weekend and can now attempt to do a recap on the state match sprint tournament.

We were missing two of the other racers on Friday, so The DGC and Tainter got a free ride into the quarter finals. I faced Skibby, who was no doubt worn out from riding a solo Madison the previous night. I was able to advance in 2 races (Match Sprints are a best 2-of-3 event), and Ferris beat Kruse to round out the final 4.

I then faced The DGC. I assumed he was going to try to take me long, but he didn't. I took the lead in the first race and was able to hold him off for the win. In the second race, he led out and I came around him in turn 3.

Ferris beat Tainter in a closely-fought battle, so I would meet The Man In Black in the finals.

This is where the whole things starts getting very surreal for me. A year ago, I was still in the track introductory class, and I did my first flying 200 in 13.8 seconds. I would look online and see that Ferris was over two seconds faster than me at that time, and it seemed that even being in that league was unattainable.

Anyway, back to reality.

I knew that I was faster in the qualifier, and I knew that Ferris had the experience to outwit me if given the chance, so I figured my best bet was to control the race from the front and make him come around me. I drew the #2 position, so I had to start out hard to take first wheel. This was not a problem because, as everyone knows, Chris loves to wheelsuck. I kept him on my hip for the first two laps and tried to keep the pace high enough that he wouldn't try to jump early. On the last lap, I rode him high through turns 1 and 2 and then dove down into the sprinters lane. I pulled a good gap and took the win.

My strategy going into the next race was pretty similar. Chris was riding more aggressively and I didn't pull as good of a gap on him when I jumped. Coming out of turn 4 I could hear him coming up beside me. I hammered as hard as I could and ended up winning by less that a wheel!

The best spectating of the night was the race between The DGC and Tainter. These two qualified within .05 seconds of each other, and all three races ended in a photo finish (although there was no camera). The DGC won the first race, and Tainter nipped him at the line in two straight to take 3rd in the state.

Dan Wold won the Cat 4 title in 3 races, and Ted won the Cat 3's by default when no one else showed up to race him on Friday.

I guess it's lonely at the top, eh Franz?

It should be noted that I raced and beat Ted in a post-championship exhibition race.

We're gonna need a bigger podium!

Do my ankles look fat?

Speaking of Breaking Shit...

Ted broke his bike. See the cracks? Not good.

Friday, August 03, 2007

State Champ!!!

I won the MN State Match Sprint Championships tonight! I'm now going out to get drunk. Later.

You DO Care!

People must really care about my thoughts on Thursday night races, because every Friday I get about 3 times as many hits as I do on any other day.

I feel so used.

Son of a...

So I went down to the track tonight because the weather was awesome and my mother-in-law offered to babysit. I was excited to ride the Cat 3 State Keirin Championships, hoping for some redemption after getting smoked in the Cat 1/2 Keirin. Honestly, the keirin was the only reason I came down for racing, otherwise I would have saved myself for match sprints tonight.

When I got to the track, I found out that the keirin was cancelled because we had no moto driver. Dammit!


The first race of the night was an unknown distance race. The DGC was closing all the gaps for me and I was sitting on his wheel. What a stud. We're considering changing his name to "Gert". Unfortunately, I couldn't close the deal. When the gun blew I moved down into the sprinters lane behind Gert and Saul. Then another rider comes flying down and almost crashes me out. I had to scream at him and he still almost took me out. I ended up riding down off the apron, then had to slow down and come around him. By that time it was too late. I should have backed off and not wasted too much energy, but I was pissed, so I pinned it on the last lap and ended up in 3rd. I also hit a new mass-start race top speed. It hurt.

Seriously, why don't people fucking shoulder-check? This is the second time this individual has done the exact same thing to me, and besides scaring the shit out of me, it really pisses me off.

Next up we had a chariot race. I won the prelims and finals by several bike lengths.

I skipped the final 50-lap scratch race because I wanted to save myself for match sprints tonight, and ended up getting 3rd in the omnium.

Max came out to watch me race tonight and had a blast. He wants to ride on the track just like daddy. Awwwwww. He was quite intrigued by the crash in the women's race, but was relieved to see that the girl he'd voted for (#75) was OK and went on to win the race.

Alas, it looks like I may never get to race the Cat 3 State Keirin. It's been rescheduled for August 23rd, and I'll likely be a Cat 2 by then.

Side Note: The DGC has now received his LSC skinsuit for the team sprint. We are SO going to dominate.


Thursday, August 02, 2007

Good News...

It turns out I WILL be racing tonight. See ya there suckas!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


State Match Sprints were tonight. I was wondering how my form would be after my 5-day vacation. Evidently, it is good. Ted started out the night with an 11.64, which really pumped me up to ride fast. I hit a new top speed on the track, and came across the line in 11.45!

I can't find a ton of historical information, but I know that's the fastest recorded time at the track in at least two years. I'm not taking this for granted at all. I'm going to keep working my ass off and do Minnesota proud at Nationals.

Top Five times were (I'm going by memory here):
Hans: 11.45
Franz: 11.64
Ferris: 11.78
Tainter: 11.81
Currell: 11.86

I got a bye through the first round, then we got rained out, so I never actually got to do any match sprints. I'm scheduled to face Skibby on Friday.

Since the sprints are rescheduled for Friday, I won't be at the track tomorrow night for the State Keirin. Good luck y'all.

Side note: Ted entered the Cat 3's instead of the 1/2/3's. To quote him: "I'm going to go get a Brazilian wax because I'm such a pussy". And how!

The Calm Before The Storm

I am strangely calm today. I've been training all year for tonight's racing, and I just feel...ready. Most other race nights I've been a head-case and spent the majority of the day stressing. Not today.

I am ready to rip it up in the match sprints.