Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Clear The Road!

Me + Tractor == Awesomeness.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Fo Free? I'm in!

Max wanted to open up an ice cream shop, but we didn't want to pay for ice cream we just bought at the damn store. So he made this sign.

That's bad ass.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Pleasure, Indeed!

If there's one thing that makes me crave a menthol cigarette, it's squirting mustard on a potato chip.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hey, That Looks Just Like A...


Thursday Night Light-Me-The-Fuck-Up

Since I couldn't race the track last night due to other obligations, along with being completely worthless on the bike right now, Franz and I decided to crush ourselves out on the road.

I won't disclose the number of sprints we did because you damn roadies can't seem to handle it, but suffice it to say it was more than last week. Longer sprints, too. I completely collapsed on the last effort, but all my others were pretty good.

The best part about it was that I was still able to get myself back home afterwards, even though I was burping up bile throughout the entire 10-minute ride.

I still haven't gotten my spin back, and I don't feel particularly fluid on the bike, but that'll come. I'm getting faster every workout. Watch out, bitches.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I'm so jealous. My sister just got a new Brittany puppy, named Indy. Super adorable, and seems like he'll be one hell of a hunter. The kids love him, too.

Bandit is teaching him to hunt.


After the debacle that was my last trip to the track, I realized that I need to get fit or I'm going to be a hot mess on the bike this year. My boy Jonnycerious told me that the best way to get fit in a hurry is to do cardio right away in the morning before breakfast. Something about hormone levels and blah blah blah. Coincidentally, this is also a good way to burn fat.

So, I got up early this morning and put in 30 minutes on the ergo. It sucked. I'll also be working out again later tonight, and again tomorrow morning.

Let's see how fast I can burn out!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


The 4-year-old brought my fishing license for Show & Tell today. I have no clue how or why she thought of that.

Back At The Track

Franz had to deliver some wood to the track, so we decided to try to squeeze in a quick workout while we were there. After sitting in road construction on I94 for 45 minutes, it ended up needing to be a very quick workout.

Franz tried out his front and rear discs, and is seems to have gone successfully. Those things are so stupid-light it's scary, but he said they feel solid.

Luke, who abandoned me to secure a real job, met us there to check out the action. I'm positive it was the best day of his life.

My workout absolutely sucked balls. I feel like a really awful bike rider. I'm also fat, so I gotta work on that. Fuck me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

My Balls Feel Strange

Well, I mean, they don't really feel strange. I got a strange feeling in them. Franz and I leave for the track in 45 minutes and - I dunno - I think I might be nervous.

Gawd, I'm a pussy. I'm all jittery and shit, too. Lame.

Fishing Opener

I've never really been particularly excited about going fishing on the opener, but I now have a boy-child who is very excited about it. We got some monster sucker minnows in hopes of catching some monster Northerns.

Somehow, we kept catching bass, which we can't keep for another two weeks. I've never caught bass this big, and I've never caught bass on sucker minnows, so it was a bit of a shock.

We were also able to haul in 4 Northerns, so we've got the makings of a delicious fish fry. The weather was finally awesome, and I even got sunburned. Pimp.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Best Wedding DJ Ever

Things really pick up for him at around 25 seconds, but you gotta watch the whole thing. Dude loves him some Phil Collins.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

So, What You're Saying Is...

It's a home security system...for my home? Madness.

Sorry it's covered in watermelon juice. Damn kids. Must be Awesome

So awesome that they drive a Ford for a company vehicle.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Just Like Dad

Great. My 7-year-old has an obsession with hundred-dolla shades.

I Am An Amazing Friend.

I'm forever helping Bodacious P with shit. It seems to be a byproduct of his ambition outweighing his abilities, but at least he keeps me entertained. Most recently, I received a call from him at 8:30 at night. It seems he had somehow acquired the a swingset park and couldn't get it unloaded from the trailer.

The park was in two pieces, each weighing roughly 800 pounds. They were far too big to fit through the tiny gate in his fence, so he was planning to just lift it over. I was having visions of us dropping the park on top of the fence and crushing it, which is totally would have happened.
I decided that we would dismantle the chain-link fence. P was doubtful, but went along with it anyway, and it worked perfectly.

We finally got it all set up the next day, and as I was drinking on of these...
I noticed this.
Look closer...
Yep. It's on the front. Fail! See what I have to deal with?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Will Someone Please Explain This To Me?

So, Cavendish go booted from the Tour of Romandie for making this gesture after he won Stage 2. I'm unsure as to why that's offensive.

Does the V stand for Vagina?

I walked around our Mother's Day party yesterday giving that symbol to people. About half of them gave me the peace sign in return, and the other half just stared blankly.

What's the dilio?

Saturday, May 08, 2010

This Is Why We Hate The Ergo

Killer workout this morning. We did 4 of these, and nearly passed out on the floor between each of them. At the end, after a good 15 minute lactate nap, Franz declared, "I'm going home. Don't call me."

I'm sure glad my sprints didn't get captured on video. My power must have dropped 1000 watts in the last 5 seconds.

Any of you roadies who think 15 seconds efforts couldn't possibly hurt that bad can suck my balls. It's a sprinter thing. You wouldn't understand.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

I Hate You. I Hate You So Bad.

Operation Stopbeingapieceofshit continues...

*Sigh* Where Do I Start?

I know how you all love it when I talk about my feelings.

I've been feeling extremely sentimental the past few weeks and have been especially appreciative of my family. They rock, and I wouldn't be who I am today without 'em.

It seems this all started a couple weeks ago when I was only 2-3 degrees of separation away from several tragic deaths. Last weekend, we were on our way back from Taylors Falls on Highway 95. As we were coming out of Cambridge, we came upon a huge accident, with people lying on the ground and in the back of ambulances. Less than 10 miles later we came upon this scene:

Hundreds of teenagers having some sort of memorial service. The looks on their faces are burned into my mind. It wasn't until we got home that we learned that 6 people had been killed.

One of the drivers had a 4-year-old daughter who brought a card to the crash scene that read "Dear daddy, I love you. I love my dad. I'll miss you. You were the world's best dad. I love you to the moon and back." That's some heart-wrenching shit right there. I can't imagine my daughter having to go through that.

Over the next 2 days, we learned that we had close associations to 3 more individuals who were killed in motorcycle accidents over the weekend.

So, I guess maybe "sentimental" isn't the right word to use. "Grateful" would be more appropriate. It's also made it difficult for me to spend my time doing anything the doesn't revolve around my family.

My dear, sweet Sunny-bird also recently died at the age of 17. I can't begin to describe all the things we've been through together. What a cruel trick to play on a, you can have this wonderful animal, but it will be taken away from you all too soon. Pets' lives are too short. That's really their only fault.

OK, I'm done being a sad sack now.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I Have No Clue

This Seems Unwise

Who the hell buys that shit?  I mean, vending machine food is already suspect, and now it's expiring?  Do not want!

Monday, May 03, 2010

Murphy's Bike Ride

In the interest of full disclosure: I haven't been training. Like, at all.

I've been lifting consistently and doing a few sprints here and there, but nothing you could really call "training". That changed today, when I realized that the Fixed Gear Classic is in 5 weeks ("What? It's not in July? Fuck!").

So I called Franz up and told him we (ok, I) need to get training. I got dressed, pumped up my tires (they sure lose a lot of air in 6 months!), and hit the road.

I must still have massive amount of power, because the first time I jumped on the pedals during our warm-up, the axle slipped and my wheel jammed into the chainstay. I skidded to a stop and swore for a while.

Of course, neither Franz nor I had tools or a cell phone, so I got to fondle myself on the side of the road for 15 minutes while he rode home to get some tools. My axle is fucked, but we managed to get it tight enough to finish the workout. I sure hope I can get it off...

After a couple more jumps, we started some flying 100's. On the second sprint, my cleat somehow unclipped from my pedal at 40kph and I was nearly launched over the bars. I somehow managed to stay upright and rode it out one-footed. It scared the shit out of me, but at least I didn't crash.

Three sprints later, I was burping up bile and had wicked tunnel-vision. Always a super experience.

Hopefully this ride got all the kinks ironed out and future workouts will go more smoothly.

I'm fairly confident that I can get into some semblance of shape in 5 weeks. I've still got the max power, which is nice. And, really, how much fitness does a sprinter need, anyway? Once I get my spin back and stop drinking every night, things should start coming together.

Yeah, this is totally gonna work.


This thing was smoking like crazy outside Old Chicago today at lunch. It was actually starting to melt a bit. The photo really doesn't do it justice, but it was pretty fuckin' extreme.

I had a cigar last night, and today my mouth still tastes like I ate an asshole.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

If I Wait For The Perfect Moment, I'll Never Drink It.

I've been waiting to restart the blog. Waiting for something earth-shattering to happen. Waiting for something I feel is worthy of my "comeback post". Fuck it, why not this beer?

I've had this delicious Founders Old Curmudgeon Ale in my fridge for nearly a month. I look at it nearly every day, but I consistently convince myself that that particular day was not special enough for such a beer. I mean, this shit is $15 for a 4-pack!

Tonight, I'm drinking it. It's fantastic, and it made my day feel extra-wonderful...thought that could be the 9.8% alcohol content.

Yeah, it probably is. 


That got me thinking about my blog. If I waited for the World's Most Interesting Event, I'd never blog again.

So here I sit, unshowered, drinking a beer on my deck and blogging from my phone. Cuz that's how I roll. Fuck, I hate it when peole say that.

Anyway, I've got a lot of catching up to do.