Friday, February 29, 2008

Song Of The Day

"The Good Left Undone" by Rise Against

Things Ryan Eats, Part II

Part 2 in my ongoing saga of thing my friend Ryan has eaten.

He has recently eaten an entire baseball card. It was a Bert Blyleven card.

He's also tasted some of the slag from a car battery. This is basically crystallized acid. He says it's kind of tangy and tastes a bit like de-limer.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

My Drive Home

The Day I Gave Up

I remember distinctly the day I learned that being a roadie just wasn't going to work out for me. We had piled 4 guys into Franz's super-SUV (this was back before his name was Franz), and headed down to the Henderson Time Trial.

Blah blah blah, Franz rolled off, blah blah blah, I rolled off. These events are unimportant.

What IS important is the speed at which some a-hole (who I later found out was Timmer) passed me after the turnaround. Literally, he flew by me like I was standing still. I've never been so demoralized in all my life.

Normally, something like that would motivate me, but the disparity in speed was so great that I knew there was basically no hope.

This seemingly insignificant event completely changed my perspective on the sport and my own abilities. This is what caused me to explore other avenues of the sport. So, Timmer, my track racing career (if you can call it that) is your fault. Thanks bro.

Are You Freakin' Kidding Me?

I met my Ryan (yes, the one who eats things) at BWW last night for some wings and beers.

The quality of this photo sucks, but it shows that I had to pay almost $12 for 2 beers. That is utterly ridiculous, especially considering the crappy service and overcooked food.

Kill 'Em All

There has been an impromptu meeting going on right outside my office for the last 45 minutes, and I'm running out of passive-aggressive methods of hinting that they should shut the hell up.

It would be (somewhat) OK if they were talking about something important, but they're just whining and bitching like whiny bitches (did ya see what I did there? Brilliant!)

-I glared at them
-I made a big production of putting on my iPod and turning it up
-I shut my door

My next option is to go punch someone in the face.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

No Car For You!

There's something about CraigList that brings out the biggest idiots and losers. Here's the most recent correspondence in my quest to sell my Explorer. We'll call the guy "Mr. Smith".

Smith: i will by now cash r money order

[yes, he really uses a 24-point font]

Me: Sounds good, but don't you want to test-drive it first?

[2 days later]

Smith: what car did u have i looked at a bunch

Me: '98 Explorer

Smith: i cant find it where is it at on there

Me: [sent him the link]

Smith: im about to call u

[My phone never rang]

Smith: well we need to talk about the price its 98 limited 3500 but i got one more car 2002 xlt suv for 5600urs is nice but 10 years old we can talk about that price go on craigslist

[At this point, I'm starting to realize that I may be dealing with someone of less than average intelligence]

Me: Feel free to make an offer, but I don't have a whole lot of room to move. I've already got it listed $1500 less than book value.

Smith: let me think real quick that is a sexy name

[OMFG. What the hell?]

Me: What are you talking about? I'm a dude, and I highly doubt you'd find me sexy.

Smith: i got to find a bank of america do u know where 1 is

[OK, so he just totally blew off the fact that he thinks I have a sexy name. Anyway...]

Me: No.

Smith: well i can tell u what i can pay but i can write a check show u my balance in my checking and hold title until it clears but i need a recipt to show how much i wrote r i got to find a bank of america

[Yeah, because I REALLY want to take a check from you]

Me: Sorry, but I can only accept cash or a money order. What is your offer?

Smith: 2500

Me: No

Ugh. Clearly, you are an illiterate moron, and should head over to one of those "no credit, no problem" dealerships.

Things Ryan Eats

I have a friend, Ryan, who eats lots of random shit.

In high school we both worked at McDonald's. Any time we had to close, we used industrial cleaners to help get all the grease and grime off the grill. One of these cleaners was powdered de-limer, which is basically an acid that loosens cooked-on crud via chemical reaction. This powder comes in a little packet, and Ryan would lick his finger, stick in into the powder, and eat it...kinda like a Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip. He never died, which surprised me.

We were also in Track together. Before races, most of us would pop Ephedrine (back when it was legal), but Ryan would eat Icy-Hot. No shit. Unfortunately, we could never get him to put it on his balls.

Unbelievably, Ryan has vomited on more than one occasion from drinking Sun Drop too fast. Once out of a beer-bong. Ya just can't make this shit up...

Monday, February 25, 2008

We Need Counseling

My employer has made counselors available to all employees in the wake of the Northern Illinois University Tragedy. Nevermind that we are hudreds of miles away, and no known employees have even the most distant of relationship to anyone involved.

"If you should experience anxiety, sadness, insomnia or other symptoms, or if you just want someone to talk to, contact [name removed] for assistance."

Or maybe you should be medicated.

Check This Out...

I saw a billboard for this website the other day, and couldn't be happier that the skeptics are finally starting to get more vocal in the face of the alarmists.

Wedding Un-Awesomeness

We spent the weekend in Rochester for my cousin's wedding, which we were 20 minutes late for. Oh well, the kids would have hated sitting through the whole ceremony. Plus, the minister looked like an undertaker. Way creepy.

This is where the reception was held.

It's a Civic a strip mall. No joke.

We had to sit on our asses for 4 hours until the dance started. It was a war of attrition, as about half the attendees got bored and left. The "bar" consisted of Dixie-Cup sized drinks with crappy Philips booze that cost $4. They had a keg of free beer, but I didn't drive 3 hours to drink Bud Light.

Weddings used to be an event where I looked forward to getting drunk on free booze. Now they are just an event where I want the kids to have some fun, then go home at 9:30 and sleep. We lasted till 10.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Where's The Gin?

It's in my belly!

Now where the hell is that waitress? This glass ain't gonna fill itself.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Cheap Bastard.

We bought two vehicles from an unnamed dealership, and both of them only came with one single key. No keyless entry, no spare, nothing. One freakin' key. When I tried to get more out of them, I was basically told "Too bad, you already signed the paperwork." Dicks. Anyway...

Since I'm cheap, I bought these guys online and was going to code them myself.

Then I read the directions. It turns out I'm supposed to use a wire to jump two slots in the Data Connectivity Port, then turn the key back and forth 8 times, do a rain dance, and sacrifice a virgin. Only then would they would be coded.

Instead of frying my electrical system attempting this maneuver, I'm taking it to the dealership, where they'll no doubt charge me an inordinate amount of money for one of their moderately-trained technicians to shove a wire into my port (yeah, I said it).

Bouncy Things. w00t!

We went to "Family Fun Night" at Max's school yesterday. They had lots of bouncy things.

I gotta be honest, I don't really like other peoples' kids very much. Most of them are poorly behaved and rude. I saw a fat-ass father laughing when his fat-ass kid (who was probably 9 or 10) pushed my daughter out of his way. I gave him the finger, then scolded his kid. He didn't appreciate that. Where's the GD parenting? If my kid had shoved a little 2-year-old in order to budge in line, he would have been taken home immediately.

This is why kids have no respect.

Regardless, the kids had a great time and were likely exposed to lots of germs, so I can almost certainly look forward to a weekend with a sick baby. w00t!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Weekend Awesomenesssssssss

Saturday night, Franz and I left Stearns County behind and took a trip to the big city.

We started out with a surprise party for this guy.

Tainter is 40. 40!!!!!

Then we went to One On One where this guy was throwing a party:

Timmer has a hair thing going on. We weren't able to talk about it at length, but we both agreed he needs some sideburns.

This is Timmer's wall of wheels.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Ergo Review

Here's a video of my first ride on the ergo.

Now, for my first impressions.

This is what's been missing from my training. Seriously. This is the first time I've been able to do true sprint workouts indoors and feel like I'm getting all the benefits of riding outside. No wheel slip, no worrying about tweaking my frame on the trainer, and no more shredding my good tires.

It also saves me a lot of time. I can just get on and ride, instead of spending time mounting my bike on the trainer. It also has multiple gears, so I don't have to waste time changing them and swapping wheels.

It's super-stiff and stable, which inspires confidence.

The fan blades keep me cool

Not-So Good:
It's loud. Really loud. Since my sprint efforts are relatively short, it's not an issue for me, but I could never do longer endurance workouts on it.

No brake. The wheel takes a while to spin down and the fan blades are quite sharp, so I've got to figure out a way to attach a brake in case one of my kids gets too close. I'm instilling the "fear of the ergo" in them, but I still don't want to take the chance.

No way (yet) to get a good measure of speed. Since the wheel itself is accellerated over 300%, it's inacurate to measure at the spokes. I'm currently measuring at the second chainring (which spins at the speed a wheel would), but this speed isn't affected by changing gears, so if I'm in a harder gear, it looks like I'm going slower even though the wheel may actually be spinning faster. I've got a couple options I'm looking into for this, which I won't bore you with.

Once I get the last two issues resolved, the only real downside is that it's really loud, which is something I'm more than willing to deal with for a quality workout.

Monkey Sprints

Look at that little bastard go!

Now, more than ever, I want a pet monkey.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Ergo Spy Photos

It's done!

Adjusting an upside-down derailleur is not particularly easy.

This little guy is the key to the ergo's effectiveness.

Video and first ride impressions coming tomorrow.

A Message From Franz

Franz would like you all to know that his bike is complete:

Apparently, he also wants to show off the fact that his basement is finished, and mine is not.

Friday, February 15, 2008


I was supposed to go out with my co-workers tonight for a going-away party for someone who's leaving the company, but I blew them off to take the family bowling.

I got my ass kicked.

Training Software

I'm signed up to do some Alpha testing for this new training software. I'm pretty excited, as this is something I've actually considered creating myself.

Here's the basic premise:
Using some sensors, I connect my ergo (or a bike on a stationary trainer) to a computer (PC or Mac) running this software. I am able to customize warmup, intervals, rest periods, and sprints for an entire workout and also specify songs to play for any given part of the workout. A DVD can also be played. The computer will display speed, cadance, distance, time, lap, and power (estimated by user-specified formulas).

The entire workout is saved to a file that can be reviewed and saved for later reference.

The downside is that there is no heart rate functionality, due to cost. I don't train with heart rate, anyway, so that's fine with me.

I hope to have my hands on this within a couple weeks, and I'll post feedback then.

I think her saddle is too high

[Caution: mild sexual content]

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'll Never Understand Fashion

WTF is that? Pirate Bambi wearing my grandma's curtains?

Thanks for Nuthin'

An announcement came over the intercom that the Employee Club was proud to offer a special Valentines Day treat to all employees.

I went down to the lunch room, and received this:

Should I feel thankful for this? I don't.

What the hell kind of VD treat is a Special K bar? What goes through peoples' heads when they make these decisions? "I know people like candy and chocolate for Valentines Day, but I think we'll get them a 90-calorie cereal bar."


Nip/Tuck Update

For those of you who missed it, Matt is now banging his half-sister.

Gawd I love this show!

Sick As A Dog

I chugged a half bottle of NyQuil and slept for 11 hours last night, but I still feel like shit. I hate this.

It is also worth noting that DayQuil is completely worthless.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Best Craigslist Offer Ever

"Trade for my 98 Crown Victoria, my Wii, and a $50 gas
card? That's about all I got...wait I have a few
swords here too."


I went to my niece's gymnastics meet last night, and she kicked major ass. Despite being one of the smallest (and youngest) girls there, she was one of the best.

I'm impressed.

She can also do more pull-ups than I can, but that's neither here nor there...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Back In Black

I'm going to make an admission here: I'm super anal about bike geometry. Since last year, I've been on a quest to find a road bike which would allow me to duplicate the position of my Tiemeyer, with very little luck. A standard 74-degree seat tube angle doesn't allow me to get far enough over the bottom bracket, and the top tubes are too long.

I refuse to compromise my workouts by not training with absolute specificity. A bit overboard? Maybe, but I can't afford to have any doubts about the quality of my training.

Then, I realized I was looking in the all wrong places. I needed to look for a time trial frame, and I found exactly what I needed. It's not super-special, but it's cheap and it looks cool (subject to personal opinion).

Leader 720TT. 54cm. It's black, it's stiff, and it has steep geometry.

Admittedly, it looks a bit odd because of the TT geometry, but it fits perfectly.

I spent half of Saturday at Granite City Cycles getting in Luke's way while he helped me build it up (read: he built it while I watched). Here's the full run-down of parts:

SRAM Rival build kit.

165mm cranks (again, specificity)

Cane Creek Volos Wheels, Dura-Ace pedals, Cane Creek SL brakes

Salsa seatpost, HED Aerolabs saddle

Thomson stem, Deda bar, Cateye Strada Wireless computer, and of course the Cane Creek Maple headset.

At first, I was unsure about the headset, but I think it added a lot to the bike. I couldn't be more please with it.

I have yet to ride it outside, but 2 hours of meticulous measuring and adjusting has made it feel very comfortable on my rollers.

I'm totally ready for some epic road rides.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Can't Touch This

That's a Cane Creek wooden headset, kids!

Moral Dilema

Many of you know that my wife is a hairstylist. She gets her share of strange requests ("I want really big bangs!"), but today was by far the worst. Her cousin called to make an appointment for his 14-year-old son to get a perm.

Here are the only options I can think of:
1) Tell him no, because it's super gay.
2) Do it and let the kid learn from his mistakes
3) Don't call him back and hope he forgets
4) Wait until he comes in, then mock him until he changes his mind.

In any event, this kid will have to vow never to disclose who did his hair.

My Coworker Can Beat Up Your Coworker

This is Nick. He works with me. He's a 5-time World Champion powerlifter. That's some serious shit right there.

This particular video shows him squatting 810 pounds. He his way hardcore.

The beer. It's turning on me.

Over the past year or so, my body has started mildly objecting to beer. Or the beer is objecting to being in my body. Either way, we aren't getting along. It started out with mild alergic reactions (head congestion, mostly) and has progressed into giving me heartburn. I'm 27 years old...I should not be getting heartburn. Especially not from beer.

Beer is an asshole. Gin would never do this to me.

Ironically, my favorite beer treats me just fine. I <3 Blue Moon.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Song of the Day

Finally, a new song worth posting about. Damn, it's been a while.

Check out "The Bleeding" by Five Finger Death Punch.

Sorry, it's not top-40 hip-hop so some of you won't like it.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

SickBoy Roller Demo

I have spies who were able to obtain this exclusive shot of SickBoy demonstrating the fine art or roller riding to a captive audience at the National Sports Center Top-Secret BSC Meeting Room today.

Initial reports are that he didn't even fall off. Yawn.

Moving Up In The World

My old TV:

My new TV:

Hopefully now I can actually see it from the couch.

Double Dog

I am awesome at family yoga.

Marvel at my double-dog pose.

My sister and her boyfriend? Not so much...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Ergo Party

So it turns out that the missing part for my ergo still has to be machined, so it's going to be several more days. Sigh. This is hell for an impatient bastard like myself.

Regardless, I'm still excited about it. When it's finally finished, you're invited to my house for an evening of trying to outsprint each other while drinking Gin & Tonics. I'm even going to make a trophy. Kids and wives/mistresses are welcome.

It'll probably be next weekend, so shoot me an e-mail if you're interested. This will likely consist mostly of St. Cloud kids, which is fine with me, because St. Cloud kids kick major ass.

Ben, guys better be there.
Ray...start riding West this afternoon.
Grandstay us what you got.
Luke...come on, there'll be booze.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Winter Camping

This was my 5th Winter Camping trip, and I have to say it was also the most successful. I don't feel like writing about it, so here's some pictures and comments.


50 lb pack. 150 lb sled. Uphill. Ouch.
On the trail
We could stay here...if we were pussies.
At Camp
It's a bridge. Clearly.
Building a Quinzee Hut, step 1: Pile up Snow
Step 2: Wait 90 minutesStep 3: Dig it out
Step 4: It collapses. Repeat steps 1-3It's finally done. Glaze the inside by burning a candle for 30 minutes.
It's now strong enough to stand on.This one was too small, so it's occupants (not me) were miserable. We named it "The Devil's Asshole", because that's what it felt like (so I'm told).

The view from the inside. It was a bit creepy at night. Pitch black and no room to move around. No clausterphobics allowed!
Nice and cozy.Kyle.
The crew.
Why the hell are you so happy?
The river was only kinda-sorta frozen. An otter lived here. Seriously.
Hiking. We put about 5 hours on our snowshoes.
There's a grouse all plumed out, struttin' his stuff on the other side of the river.

It was great to get back out in the woods, but I'm glad I don't have to live that way. It's a lot of work.