Friday, February 26, 2010

Give Me Back That Filet O Fish!

Franz Haz A Canoe Kevlar Wheels

They are definitely the ugliest wheels on the block, but are supposedly the lightest and stiffest disc wheels available, in addition to being the least expensive. Franz has declared that they are scary-light. Time will tell if they live up to expectations.

The question has been asked, if they're the lightest, stiffest, and cheapest, why aren't they more popular? One reason could be that their customer service department is non-existent. They don't answer their phones (once because they were busy deer hunting), and it took a month for the wheels to arrive.

Additionally, as evidenced by this photo, the fit and finish is a bit lacking, though that's to be expected from a manufacturing facility in Wisconsin.
If the wheels do, in fact, live up to the hype, these small quibbles can be overlooked.

I'll hand over the blog reins to Franz for a full review once he has some time on them. If he survives riding outdoors with a front disc.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pack That Meat, White Boy

The summer after I graduated from high school, I got a job working at a meat packing plant. I was one of 3 white people. The other two were 40-year-old women. The remainder of the 400+ employees were Mexican. One of my best friends was from Mexico, and I spoke fluent Spanish. My co-workers had no knowledge of this, and continually talked shit about me to each other while standing right next to me. Which was fun.

At the beginning, they just called me "Guero" (prounounced weh-roh), which translates roughly to "White Boy". I guess I was OK with that, considering, ya know, it's true.

There was one older woman there, El Puma (The Cougar), who took a shine to me. She called me her Sancho, which is the man a woman wants to cheat on her husband with. I was honored, to say the least. However, she looked a little too much like a wood tick for my liking, and I spurned her advances.

The next day, everyone started calling me "Guero Joto", or "Gay White Boy", because clearly anyone who doesn't want to sleep with a married, middle-aged arachnid must be gay.

After a few more months of employment, I worked my way into the hearts or my Mexi-friends (see what I did there?), and G├╝ero Joto became a term of endearment...I guess.

One day, while on my lunch break, I passed the fuck out. I had been sitting with my knee curled up under me and when I straightened it, it popped and I saw stars. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor with people gathered all around me. I've had this happen before after bouts of intense pain. When I was little, a doctor said they were called Vasovagal Episodes. This would surely prove to my coworkers how manly I am!


I had to sit in the manager's office until an ambulance could come. Yes, a fucking ambulance! Apparently it's company policy. I called my mom (she'll know what to do!) and she told me that under no circumstances was I to board that ambulance. Shit's expensive (I paraphrased there a bit).

My mom came to pick me up and bring me to the hospital for my employer-mandated drug test. In an excessive show of aversion to lawsuits, they forced me to be rolled out in a stretcher while all my coworkers watched.

I could hear there whispers. "!Dios mio! Es Guero Joto." They were concerned.

After waiting 3 days for my drug test results to inexplicably come back clean, I was cleared to go back to work, at which point I was merely "Guero" again. They must have felt bad for me and decided that I was straight. Which was nice. Two weeks later, I left for college.

I learned a lot that summer. Mostly, that I don't want to work in a meat packing plant ever again.

I've got plenty of stories about that place. Buy me a beer sometime and ask me about it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Elite My Ass

A boy and his rail tequila...*sigh*

So True...

While the Winter Olympics aren't half as awesome as the Summer Olympics, I've been watching every night...mostly because all the shows I actually enjoy watching are reruns for these two weeks.

The boarder cross was pretty cool, as was the snowboard half pipe and some of the alpine skiing. I even enjoy the speed skating, but mostly just because it reminds me of track cycling.

But, c'mon...XC skiing is barely fun when I'm doing it. I sure as hell don't need to watch others ski.

Figure skating? Stop it. Just fucking stop it.

Biathlon? Still don't get it. How are the two sports related?

Doubles Luge? Super gay.

Curling...nah, too easy. Though there is some big-time drama as the captain of the US squad was benched due to suckage.

I do enjoy the fact that Canada spent over $100 Million on their "Own The Podium" program and they are getting this shit kicked out of them. Good stuff.

I've got a major case of the Winter Blah's, and I can't seem to kick it. Fuck it all.

Monday, February 22, 2010

New Sport

We went out to my in-laws' lake yesterday to play around with the 4-wheelers. After several hours of jumping drifts and whipping shitties, we got a little bored, so we decided to tie a tow rope to a 'wheeler and try kneeboarding on the snow.

It. Was. Awesome.

Once we got the hang of it, it was very similar to kneeboarding on the water...except the crashes hurt more.

I'm going to try to get it included in the 2014 Olymics.


I had a busy ass weekend. Friday was Max's school play. He played the Lazy Duck. For a bunch of 2nd graders, the kids were awesome!
Saturday I went ice fishing with Max and my nephew. We caught one fish, but it was the first Northern I've caught through the ice, so that was pretty sweet.
As soon as I got home, I learned of a home furnishing auction downtown. I loaded up the wife in the family truckster and went out in search of cheap leather couches. By the time we got there, they were down to only a few pieces of furniture left. I was a bit concerned when pairs of pillows started selling for $50. WTF? Don't people know they're supposed to be cheap at auctions?

This guy was running shit. You can see the couch I wanted against the wall behind him.
By the time they got to "my" couch, I could tell it wasn't going to go well. Some of those crazies had been there all day, and they were determined to get a damn couch. Thusly (hey, that was a fun word to say!), they bid my couch up to twice what all the other couches went for. Fuckers.

In all, the experience was stressful as hell. I'd never been to an auction before. Well, not a real one anyway. I don't think I'll go again. Kinda freaked me the hell out.

Later that night was the holiday party for Kristin's work. It was held at a bar downtown, where I was informed there would be an "amazing country band". While that is a blatant oxymoron, I had a good time regardless.
Well, I had a good time for the first few hours anyway. I had to drive the babysitter home, so I did the get-drunk-early-and-ride-it-out technique. It was awesome until I tried to ride it out. I think I was already hung over by 11:00 PM. Stupid vodka/red bulls.

I kind of wish they they still allowed smoking in bars. At least it wouldn't smell like piss and desperation. Fuck, there are some pitiful people out there, but I won't go there today.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Best Thing About Going To The Dominican Republic

And I almost had to leave it there due to baggage weight limits.


I decided to go skiing last night, so I ended up missing the call from my new friend. No worries, though! She'll be calling back tonight.

Thanks to everyone for the suggestions. She won't be coming to my house, so pissing myself would probably not have the desired effect, though I may do it anyway just for good measure. We also don't have a land line, so there's no good way to have my wife pick up another phone. I do like the idea of getting all righteous on her ass. "How can you brag about your personal finances at a time when Haiti is struggling? If your new business venture is really making you that much money, you should be doing all you can to help others. Shame on you!" Or something like that.

Then I'll piss myself.

I mentioned that I went skiing, yes? Yes. This was my second time out on my new skis, and I'm getting more comfortable. I went off a few smallish jumps and rode a couple of the boxes. There's a rainbow rail that I wanted so badly to ride, but I kept bitching out at the last second. Maybe I'll hit it next time.
I had been planning to take the wife and go to Colorado skiing this Spring, but I don't think it's going to happen. They don't have very good snow this year, and I'm not spending $100/day on lift tickets to ski on shitty snow.

I'm working from home today because I had to bring my Exploder to the shop. I needed and oil change and a couple things inspected. There are some issues with my suspension for sure, and I hope it's something cheap.

My 'Service Engine Soon' light has also been on for like a year, so I should probably get that looked at. I'm pretty sure I just need a new gas cap. The error code indicates a leak in the evaporative system, and I've had it looked at twice and they haven't found any issues.

I've had some thoughts about trading the Exploder in on something different, but nothing else in my price range offers a V8 and 3rd-row seat and will still fit in my garage. I really really wanted a 4-door Jeep Wrangler, but those fuckers are expensive! Holy shit, I had no idea an SUV with no options, no insulation, and poor highway manners would cost $30K! Even 4 years old they're over $20. I'm cheap as shit, so that's not really an option.
One day, I will own a Jeep.

I also looked at a Hummer H3, which from the outside looks a lot like a Wrangler 4-Door. The interior, however, is waaaay smaller that it seems like it should be. The cargo area is almost non-existent. I need to be able to fit my dog's kennel, at a bare minimum.
So I decided to keep my Exploder for a couple more years. I even put new tires on it!

Now you're all caught up. Don't you feel special?


OK, now I'm starting to get excited for the season.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fending Off The Morons

I've said it before: I hate pyramid schemes and the people who run them.

It has been brought to my attention that a woman I worked with over 5 years ago - a woman I barely remember existed - is going to be calling me tonight in an attempt to involve me in her pyramid scheme. Needless to say, this pisses me the hell off.

I'm trying to determine the most awesome way to handle the situation. I could just be an straight-up asshole, but that's not very much fun. I mean, it is, but I've got other motives here. I want to make her feel like the idiot she is, while at the same time downplaying the fact that I am, in fact, an asshole.

A daunting task, for sure.

See, I want to make her have a realization, without telling her flat-out, that she is retarded and should stop these silly endeavors.

I also want it to be super funny.

I'm accepting any and all advice.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Good News!

The speaker that was repaired with silicone glue works flawlessly. In fact, I think it sounds even better than before!

Also, I have a punching bag.

I already injured my ankle kicking it, so I can tell it's going to be a really great addition to the workout room.

Monday, February 15, 2010

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

A medium speedsuit is significantly smaller than a large skinsuit, as Franz found out. It looks baby-sized.

Here's a drawing of what Franz would need to look like in order to fit into the speedsuit:

And here's a drawing of what Franz would look like if he were, by some divine intervention, able to squeeze himself into the speedsuit:

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Another 2-Handled Door

It's a freakin' epidemic!

Friday, February 12, 2010


...yeah, I wish. ZIIING!


My wife was complaining about one of the speakers in the rear of her car. Now, her car is only 5 years old and has the factory-installed Infinity system, so it pisses me off that a speaker would be blown. It turned out to be the subwoofer, if you can call an 8-inch speaker a subwoofer.

After tearing apart the entire cargo area, I was finally able to remove the offending speaker. It turns out the surround was completely separated.
I did some internet searching and it turns out it's troublesome to find an 8" sub with the dimensions to fit in a factory spot. Most are too deep. That's what she said!

Yeah. I'm a little off tonight.

We have attempted to fix the surround with silicone.
Does that look like an Infinity sub to you? WTF?

I have to let the silicone dry for 24 hours, so I'll know tomorrow if it worked.

That is all. Carry on.

Oh wait. That's not all. I just got 2 new tires on the front of my Explorer, and I absolutely despise them. They are horrible. So I need to go get new tires installed tomorrow.

That is all.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

More Vacay

As I mentioned, our resort had 6 restaurants, each with its own bar. Which is fantastic. Here I am drinking wine before dinner.

And here I am drinking wine with dinner.
That night, the resort held a couples-only beach bonfire. It was awesome listing to the waves crash on the shore while grooving to love songs from the early 80's.
We were happy like the hippo.
Until I noticed a real live hippo. Look behind me.
Who knew they made thongs that big! Major props to my awesome wife for getting a photo of it. We then proceeded to laugh so hard that we cried and had to leave.

The flash from the camera woke up the flamingos and they got pissed off at us.
Drinking rum punch. I loves me some fruity drinks. I also put the dielectric blue lenses in my Smith Interlock Spoiler sunglasses.
The view from my chair.
I hurt my balls horribly while attempting to dismount this tree. I was writhing on the ground for no less than 5 minutes while some Dominican tried to sell me his fucking jewelry.
Dinner at the sushi bar, prominently featuring my sunburn.
Not Japanese.
Coffee on the terrace.
The view from the lobby. Notice the mountains in the background.
Playing in the waves. Like I said, I'm like a damn child.
Washed up on the beach.
This "Boogy Adventure" was the coolest thing ever. We got to drive guess they're considered roads, but they were more like backcountry trails.
Most people who live down these "roads" were forced to travel on horseback, so the "roads" were covered in horse shit, which got on my front tire, which flung shit all over me. And it was sticky, gooey shit. Like that booger that you try to flick off, and it just sticks to your finger. That's how the shit was, and it was everywhere. In my hair, on my face, and in my ears.

Fortunately, our first stop was a beach. Do I still look fat?
This little boy blew us a kiss. I think he wanted candy.
Even on paved roads, some people still use horses for transportation.
We then stopped at a family's home where we learned how to roast our own coffee beans.
Then we went swimming in a cave, which would have been more enjoyable had I not been solely focused on cleaning the horse shit off myself.
That's it for today. More later.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

I Have Returned From My Island Paradise

And it was every bit as amazing as it sounds.
I spent the last 8 days in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic, hence the lack of blog posts. The weather was perfect (I got burned, peeled, and re-burned on 3 separate occasions), the rum was delicious (I was drunk before noon every day), and the resort was amazing (6 restaurants in which I could fill my gullet, and I only got the poopies once). The place was overrun by fat people, which was both depressing and confidence-inspiring.

Upon landing, we had to deplane right on the tarmac. I felt like the President or some shit.
This is the view from our pool-side room.
On our first trip to the beach, we found this little guy. I named him Mr. Krabs, because I love Spongebob. His eyes moved indepently of each other, which freaked me the fuck out.
Wide-open beaches with the bluest water I've ever seen. I was like a damn child playing in the waves. At one point I had so much sand stuck to my junk that it looked like a giant piece of coral. Yes, giant.
Sunburn. Ouch. Unfortunately, due to oversized sunglasses being in style, she spent the rest of the week looking like she'd been wearing ski goggles.
The church in Higuey. It's apparently a big deal.
A common sight. Lots of motorcycles, and an above-ground cemetery in the background.
Sugar-cane fields.
On our second full day in Punta Cana, we took a shuttle to La Romana in order to take a catamaran to a supposedly deserted beach (which ended up being well-stocked with overweight, underdressed Europeans). We took this boat out to the catamaran.
Then I posted up on the net at the front of the catamaran with one of many Cuba Libres (Rum & Coke). Since I am apparently never in my life meant to actually sail, we spent 2 hours driving with the motor.
These were some of the thinner people I saw that day.
There were a lot of fun things to do on the island. Beach volleyball, a BBQ, and, of course, several bars. The highlight of the day was definitely getting a massage on the beach.

At first glance, this may appear to be a (bad) photo of me on the beach. But look in the background. If I never see another greased-up man in a thong Speedo, it'll be too soon.
We then took a speedboat back to the harbor, the whole time jumping waves and landing with ass-shattering force.

That covers the first couple day. More later, including one of the greatest photos ever taken.