The Aged Gunt

This is perhaps the most awesome story I've ever told.

So I know this guy, let's say he's my cousin (he is) and that his name is Timmy (it's not). Timmy works in a pig barn and is about 150 lbs overweight. He's a great kid, but not really what you'd consider a "catch".

I was happy for him when he told me he'd met a girl online. Her name was Jenn. She was 21 years old and lived in Florida with her parents, where she worked as a waitress. He showed me a really blurry and poorly-composed cell phone picture of her, in which she appeared to be acceptably cute.

Well, lo and behold, she shows up in Minnesota the day before Thanksgiving and moves in with Timmy. Since everyone assumed that poor Timmy would be a lonely bachelor forever, we were all anxious to meet her. We pretty much just sat and stared at the door until they arrived for dinner.

What walked into that house with Timmy took my breath away, and not in a good way. She was possibly the fugliest woman I've ever seen in my life. And I do mean "woman", not "girl". She appeared to be at least 45 years old. She had a giant gunt, was missing teeth, and wore what appeared to be tapered maternity pants (despite not being pregnant). For much of the evening, she had a cigarette in one hand and a Coors in the other. She literally looked like a retired prostitute.

Someone finally took the time to have a chat with Timmy. "Timmy, there's no way she's 21, what's the deal."

To which Timmy replies, "I dunno, she said she is. I've never seen her ID though, because she doesn't get carded when we go to the bar."

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS, RETARD?

They were making out on the couch in front of the whole family. It was aweful. Horrible. Disgusting.

Anyway, weeks went by, and it was the talk of the family. Most guesses of her age ranged from 40-50. More "chats" were had with Timmy. "She told me she looks older because of too much sun exposure in Florida." Um, OK. Then why isn't she tan?

Then yesterday I got the call. She's 44. Her name is Jeanie, not Jenn. She's from Massachussettes, not Florida. She did't live with her parents, she lived with another (presumably psycho) middle-aged woman and hasn't spoken to her parents in over 20 years. She's had her tubes tied, and is old enough to be Timmy's mother.

She begged him for forgiveness.

He dropped her ass off at the train station.