The First Time I Got Kicked In The Nuts

The year was 1992, and I was in 6th grade. We were the oldest kids in the middle school and thought we were super cool.

If you remember 1992, it was a time when most kids could safely ride their bikes to school. Except for me, because we lived way the fuck out in the country. Since my bus always got to school really early, I would wait by the bike rack for my friends to show up.

This particular day was "field trip day", one of the greatest days in all of grade school. Needless to say, I was pretty excited and was acting up a bit. OK, let's be honest, I was being a belligerent little prick. I was showing off by taking some of the younger kids' bikes out of the rack (no one used locks back then) and riding them around, jumping the steps, trying to grind the pedals, and just generally being a jackass.

After one particularly sweet move, I triumphantly flung the wee bike back into the rack. It hit pretty hard and broke the front reflector off of another bike.

"Oh shit," one of my friend said, "that's Edwin's bike". Remember how I said we were the oldest kids in the school? Well, that's not entirely true. Edwin was 3 years older than the rest of us (don't ask), and therefor quite a bit bigger.

I figured it wasn't a big deal. I mean, it's a fucking reflector, right? Most kids removed them the day they got their bikes. But of course, one of my asshole friends has to make it a big deal. He ran off, shouting "I'm telling Edwin!"

I chuckled a bit, knowing he wouldn't care. I mean, who would? Its a fucking reflector. Just then, the bell rang and we all headed to our lockers.

I put my backpack in my locker, and just as I was closing it, I turned around to see a furious Edwin running down the hall toward me. I braced for impact, but he stopped short. I started to say, "Hey, sorry abou-" when he hauled off and kicked me right in the nuts.

Who does that!??!?!

Anyway, I dropped like a sack of potatoes. I writhed in pain while a semi-circle of curious onlookers gathered around. It took about 15 minutes for me to get off the ground, and I ended up having to go to the doctor because ol' lefty swelled up like a plumb. To make things worse, the nurse there was a good friend of our family and I had to show her my sack. She seemed unimpressed.

Intense nut pain forced me to stay home the following day, fueling in-school rumors that my nuts had exploded (or my "eggs had been scrambled") and I'd been forced to have an emergency sex change. Middle school is funny like that.

To add insult to injury, the principal saw kicking me in the nuts as a perfectly acceptable retaliation for a broken reflector, and forced me to pay Edwin $1.19 to replace it. Then he gave me detention.