Triathlon Tales

A few of us got to talking about tri's last week at the track, so I thought I would relay my own story of misadventures in triathlon. I'd like to start out by saying that triathlons, like everything else I'm not good at, are stupid.

I was suffering a serious cycling burnout but wanted to remain active. I've never been fast at running anything more than 400 meters, but I figured "what the hell". I spent all winter running outside and swimming at the gym. When I first started swimming, I could barely make it the length of the pool. Simply put, I'm a sinker. I bought the book "Total Immersion" and worked diligently on my swim technique, which quickly improved. The sprint tri I had signed up for included an 800 meter swim, which I could easily accomplish in the pool. I was running ~6:30 miles, which for me was stellar. I felt that I was ready.

When race day finally came, I started to second-guess myself. 400 racers hitting the water in 3 waves. I thought to myself, "Why the hell are these hosers wearing wetsuits in the middle of summer?" Uh Oh, they know something I don't know. Also, wearing a life jacket is against the rules (I asked). They should hand out a warning with your race packet: "People will swim over you, not around you". Freaked the shit out of me. I ended up doing the elementary backstroke and sidestroke for almost the entire swim, all while hyperventilating. At one point, I tried to hang onto a bouy, but the kayak guy told me I couldn't. I told him he was responsible if I drowned, so he paddled next to me for the entirety of the race. At one point, I switched to the breast stroke and he said, "Great job, you're really moving with that one." I told him to shut the fuck up and stop patronizing me.

I think there were about 6 people who got out of the water after me, so the transition area was essentially empty when I got to my bike. I threw on my race belt and ran my bike out to the road. I knew this would be the area I excelled at, but I had no idea how many people I would pass. Lots. I had the 11th fastest bike time of the day, and by far the fastest in my age group.

Feeling like a huge stud after passing numerous overweight women and old men, I got back to the transition area and promptly fell on my face when I tried to start running. Shit. It took over a mile to get my rhythm, and all the while people were passing me, and I swear they were laughing at me. I couldn't get my heart rate up, and just went into survival mode.

I had one of the slower run times on the day, but ended up in 83rd place overall and 4th in my age group.

This was my wake-up call that I should just focus on biking, because I pretty much suck at everything else.

Never again.