I Have Returned From My Island Paradise

And it was every bit as amazing as it sounds.
I spent the last 8 days in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic, hence the lack of blog posts. The weather was perfect (I got burned, peeled, and re-burned on 3 separate occasions), the rum was delicious (I was drunk before noon every day), and the resort was amazing (6 restaurants in which I could fill my gullet, and I only got the poopies once). The place was overrun by fat people, which was both depressing and confidence-inspiring.

Upon landing, we had to deplane right on the tarmac. I felt like the President or some shit.
This is the view from our pool-side room.
On our first trip to the beach, we found this little guy. I named him Mr. Krabs, because I love Spongebob. His eyes moved indepently of each other, which freaked me the fuck out.
Wide-open beaches with the bluest water I've ever seen. I was like a damn child playing in the waves. At one point I had so much sand stuck to my junk that it looked like a giant piece of coral. Yes, giant.
Sunburn. Ouch. Unfortunately, due to oversized sunglasses being in style, she spent the rest of the week looking like she'd been wearing ski goggles.
The church in Higuey. It's apparently a big deal.
A common sight. Lots of motorcycles, and an above-ground cemetery in the background.
Sugar-cane fields.
On our second full day in Punta Cana, we took a shuttle to La Romana in order to take a catamaran to a supposedly deserted beach (which ended up being well-stocked with overweight, underdressed Europeans). We took this boat out to the catamaran.
Then I posted up on the net at the front of the catamaran with one of many Cuba Libres (Rum & Coke). Since I am apparently never in my life meant to actually sail, we spent 2 hours driving with the motor.
These were some of the thinner people I saw that day.
There were a lot of fun things to do on the island. Beach volleyball, a BBQ, and, of course, several bars. The highlight of the day was definitely getting a massage on the beach.

At first glance, this may appear to be a (bad) photo of me on the beach. But look in the background. If I never see another greased-up man in a thong Speedo, it'll be too soon.
w00t!

We then took a speedboat back to the harbor, the whole time jumping waves and landing with ass-shattering force.

That covers the first couple day. More later, including one of the greatest photos ever taken.