All The Jobs I've Lost

I've had a lot of jobs in my 26 years, and I've also been fired several times. Here they are, in chronological order:

• McDonald's: I was a manager-in-training when they busted me for stealing apple pies. Fired.
  
• Hardee's: They scheduled me to work on 4th of July, but I wanted to blow shit up and get drunk with my friends. They did not appreciate the fact that I did now show up for work. Fired.
  
• Town House Restaurant: I wanted a week off of work so I told them I had infectious mono. Unfortunately, I went to school with the owner's daughter, who told her that I was not sick. Fired.
  
• Pleasantview Nursing Home: I was the activities coordinator in the afternoons after school. Part of my job was doing activities with the Alzheimer's unit. I had a headache, and they were watching Lawrence Welk videos, and I fell asleep. That is frowned upon, so they "let me go". Fired.
  
• Swift Eckrich: I was a meat packer. Literally. I was also one of two white people who worked there. 70-hour workweeks at minimum wage. Quit to move to college.
  
• Dad's Home Improvement: Half-assed company that we had to sue to get our last paychecks. Piece of shit owner still hasn't paid. Quit due to nonpayment. What a cocksucker.
  
• Northern Systems: Telemarketing. Ack. We tricked people into having our pressure sales staff come to their house. Led to a chain of acquaintences which led to me meeting my wife, so not all bad. Quit because telemarketing is stoopid.
  
• PetCo: Sweet job, but didn't pay shit. Quit to try to afford my high-rollin' lifestyle.
  
• Fingerhut: Customer service rep. Sucked ass. Quit.
  
• JM Oil Company: Drove a tankwagon delivering oil and fuel. Crap work, but good people. Paid my way through my first year of college. Quit to find out if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
  
• G&K Services: I loaded rugs onto trucks. Quit after two weeks because the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
  
• JM Oil Company (again): Went back to the job I liked. Paid my way through my second year of college. Quit to do my internship.
  
• Emerald Data Processing Services: Half-assed company with a crazy owner. Bad internship. Did not learn anything. Got laid off due to lack of available work. How the hell do you lay off someone you're not even paying?
  
• SCTC: Worked on a data warehousing project for the summer. Temp job which also filled my internship requirement.
  
• Spanier Bus Service: Sweet gig driving school bus. Junior high kids are asshats. Hours were perfect for finishing college. Quit when I needed a real job.
  
• New Vision Digital: Thought I should my own web design/hosting company. Turns out I shouldn't. Still do hosting, but only on the side.
  
• Pearl Limousine Service: Owned by Spanier. Just some extra cash on the side. Quit due to lack of extra time.
  
• New Flyer: Built metro busses. Boo. Promoted to Production Data Technician. Still Boo. Shitty management, shitty job. Quit.
  
• Merrill: My first real job after college. Great place to work when I started, but then they decided to go public and had a major reorganization, which pissed everone off and caused a mass exodus. Quit.
  
• Current Job: Can't tell ya where it is cuz you assholes will tell my boss how many jobs I've been fired from and they won't love me anymore. Sweet gig, though.