Ready to Freeze

Winter camping. I'm ready.

The secret ingredient:

IM Addiction

Pandemonium. Complete and utter confusion.

That's what my coworkers are experiencing today. An Instant Messaging virus forced the company to ban all IM use until further notice.

It's not going well.

People are shouting to each other down the halls. Sprinting from office to office. Having meltdowns while typing e-mails.

If it wasn't so freakin' annoying I might find it funny. Hilarious even.

I've never before seen grown men and women completely lose their minds over the loss of something so trivial.

I need a drink.

Oh, Deer

This is a picture of Franz's house, taken from my house. The photo sucks, but there are 15 deer in his back yard.

If there's one thing Franz loves, it's deer that eat his landscaping.

Almost There

Now I'm just waiting on one missing part.

Whirlwind Monday

After being held captive by a sick toddler for the last three days, I took yesterday afternoon off and headed out for a whirlwind tour or the Twin Cities.

I started out at One On One in a feeble attempt to find parts for my new ergo (more on that later).

After digging through all this shit, I came up mostly empty handed. Although I was able to pick up one of Franz's new wheels.

I also got a dark chocolate mocha, which was delicious.

After I left the shop, I got lost. 30 minutes later, I emerged at the Amtrak station to pick up a little sumpin'.

Yeah, so apparently you can ship things through Amtrak, which is incredibly useless if you live in St. Cloud, because the closest shipping/receiving point is St. Paul.

My next stop was in Fridley, to drop off some Zipp 303's to this happy fella.

Then it was back home to paint and assemble my ergo.

I used spray paint, because I'm classy like that. It's the same sparkly black as my Tiemeyer. Well, sorta.

It was at this point that I discovered those assholes at Amtrak had lost an integral part of my ergo. So I get to wait. Again. I hate waiting.

I'm heading over to Granite City Cycles today to hopefully finish the rest of the build.

I'm More of an 'Ass Man'

Just thought you'd want to know.

Dog People

Sorry, I got bored sitting at a stoplight.

Speedfix Apparel

Check out our new online store for all your Speedfix Apparel needs. We've got clothing for the whole family, including the dog! There's even trendy trucker hats for all you hipsters out there.

I'm partial to the Speedfix Thong, but you can buy whatever you want. Wear it proudly!

MONSTER JAM!

This is probably the most fun I've ever had at the Metrodome.

I totally want to sell off all my biking shit and buy a monster truck.

Camera Phones

Are there any cell phones out there with a decent camera built in? Something like 3+ megapixels and a flash? Maybe something that takes pictures that don't look like they were taken with a cell phone?

I never have my real camera with, so I end up taking lots of photos with my phone. They all suck, especially if there's poor lighting.

Anyone?

Things I Hate

No fluff here, fuckers.

• People who return a phone call just because a number is on their caller ID. "Who dis?" Shut the fuck up, I dialed the wrong number. "Why you callin' me?" Again, shut the fuck up.
  
• Prudes. Please stop being so anal. It bugs the shit out of me.
  
• Hair. Why won't you stop growing?
  
• People who don't follow through on things. If you say you're going to do something, do it.
  
• Hypocrites. Fuck you.
  
• Windows Vista
  
• Anonymous Commenters. Is there a better way to prove that you have a vagina? I think not.
  
• Tiny cars. Ugh.
  
• Text Messaging. Seriously, you can call me. That GD text you just sent cost me 15 cents.
  
• You
  
• Internet forums. I have yet to see a healthy discussion that didn't devolve into bitching and personal attacks.
  
• Orbitz gum. Blach!
  
• Waiting at a restaurant for an inordinate amount of time for the fucking waiter to take my money.
  
• Unloading the dishwasher. This has to be the most unpleasant task in the world.
  
• To quote Eric Cartman: "I hate hippies. They say they want to save the world, but all they do is smoke weed and drive aorund in cars that get poor gas mileage."
  
• The UPS Store
  
• Filling up with gas. I don't mind paying for it, but I hate the act of filling my tank.
  

I'm sure there are more, but I hate thinking too hard.

Laid Up. Again.

My offseason has thus far been rife with injuries. My weight training was progressing well, and I tweaked my lower back, which set me back a couple weeks.

Since then, my ribs have been giving me hell almost every week. I'm currently on the mend from yet another rib injury.

As far as I can tell, there's no way to strengthen the muscles between the ribs, so I don't know that there's much I can do except wait it out. It's really frustrating. That's probably the reason I've been so damn emotional lately. Seriously, it's like PMS or something.

My ergo should be here within the next few days, so I'm hoping that its arrival will coincide with my back feeling better. Then I can get back to the ass-kicking I'm accustomed to.

Getting Old Sucks

All of my elderly relatives are starting to "get old".

My grandpa has Parkinsons, congestive heart failure, and has had several strokes recently. We had to place him in a nursing home last weekend. He can hardly hear anything we say, and when he does he can't comprehend what we're saying.

My other grandpa just got through chemo for colon and lung cancer.

My great aunt just had a heart attack and had to move into assisted living.

My grandmother-in-law doesn't remember my kids' names.

My step-grandfather-in-law was just hospitalized because he couldn't remember to take his medication.

It is thoroughly depressing to see them like this. It gets harder and harder to remember how vibrant they once were. It really emphasizes the importance of cherishing every moment we have with our loved ones, because life goes by way too fast.

I look at my own life and realize how quickly it's gone by. My kids are growing up before my eyes. I'm a real live adult with a job, kids, and a mortgage. I'm even getting a few hairs on my back. When did that happen?

67 mph

That's the speed at which my new Explorer makes a horrible whistling noise. 66? Fine. 68? Perfect. I just can't drive 67 or I go batty.

I'm looking for a volunteer to ride on the roof while I drive 67 to determine what is making the horrible noise. Bring your balaclava.

Cop On A Segway

Seen today at MOA. Dude...

Morning Training

I'm not a morning person. For some reason I thought I should get up at 7:00 AM and do intervals today. It was stoopid. Last night's gin (in moderation, of course) probably didn't help.

My speeds were significantly slower than usual, and I felt like shit. I'm not sure if this is something my body will get used to, but I don't think I'm going to try to find out.

Some people are able to get up at 5:30 AM and have a great workout. Not me. I can barely drag my sorry ass out of bed in time to get Max to school.

My best workouts are always around lunchtime, when my body has had time to wake up, and I'm not yet tired from work and family duties. I may have to start coming home on my lunch break to train.

At Least Someone Uses the Damn Thing

Dear UPS Store, Blow Me.

[caution: foul language]

My newest nemesis is the asshat who owns the St. Cloud UPS Store. Occasionally, I have to go there because it's in a convenience location, and every time, without fail, they fuck me over.

Here's a list of my complaints, in no particular order.

• The refused to offer insurance on a bike I was shipping because I boxed it myself. They wanted to re-box it (for $55). THIS IS HOW SHIPPING THINGS WORKS, COCKSUCKER. I PUT IT IN A BOX AND YOU FUCKING SHIP IT!
  
• They wanted over $85 to ship said bike (with no insurance). They claim that their prices are the same as if I went out to the main UPS hub (which is like 20 miles away). Bull. Shit.
  
• They charged me $18 to ship a set of Speedplay pedals to Illinois. $18!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? They weigh less than a pound and are in a box the size of an iPod. I could drive them to Illinois myself for $18. I told Cocksucker I didn't want to ship the pedals through them anymore, and he refused to give them back because "they are in UPS possession now." I just asked for pricing!
  
• Franz's Bianchi had to be shipped for warranty replacement, and The UPS Store charged the bike shop $68 to ship the GD frame! I just shipped a complete bike through FedEx for $30.
  
• The owner of the UPS Store is one of those rude, condescending assholes that nobody likes. I have never talked to anyone who's had a pleasurable experience with him.
  

I was boycotting FedEx for a while due to a dispute over some customs charges (maybe I'm the problem?), but I now feel that they are the lesser of two evils.

I ship through SpeeDee whenever I can , but they only have a 6-state range, so they're not overly useful. They are cheap, though.

I'm so pissed off right now.

Side-By-Side Comparison

I've been using a wired computer on my track bike because the wireless models always seemed to have too much lag time. I also wanted to have the speed sensor on my rear wheel for trainer use. This led to some less-than-ideal setup, with the head unit mounted on the top tube.

I then ran the cord all the way back to the seatstay.

It takes about 7 zip-ties to do the job, and I don't really care for the look of it. Today I was in the bike shop and picked up a new CatEye Strada Wireless. I played around with it a bit, and they seem to have eliminated the lag time that had plagued other wireless computers, so I bought it.

Since I will soon have my ergo for indoor training, I'm no longer concerned about having the sensor on the rear wheel. I'm also able to mount the head unit on the stem.

I'll be doing side-by-side testing of the two units to make sure the new wireless version is up to par with the wired version (in terms of performance). You'd think that, as a computer programmer, I would have more faith in technology. However, it's because of that very reason that I don't.

I <3 E-bay

I just sold two items for more than I paid for them 2 years ago.

Do people really get so caught up in a bidding frenzy that they will pay retail prices (plus shipping) for used items? Is the victory that gratifying? Do they now have massive buyers' remorse?

Shit, like I care. I gotcha money!

Random iPod Song of the Day

"Never Be the Same" by SocialBurn.

Ergo-tastic

One of the main components of my offseason program is almost completed.

An ergo by Speedy Beers is the pinnacle of indoor suffering.

Douchebag is OUT!

For the last year or so, the word "Douchebag" has been my insult of choice...but like all good things, it must come to an end.

I'm steppin' in up y'all, and going back to some old favorites: "Asshat" and "Blowhard". I may even throw out a "Cocksucker" or two. If I've called you a douchebag in the past, it was probably the last time you'll hear me say the word.

You're witnessing history. This is probably the first time that someone has put this much thought into his method of aspersion. You're welcome.

2008 Goals

I had a good year in 2007, but 2008 is going to blow it out of the water. I came into last season with tons of motivation, but I had no clue what I was doing. Now that I'm motivated and experienced, I'm going to rip shit up.

*10.9 flying 200
*Top 3 finish at Elite Nationals in Sprints, Keirin, and Team Sprint
*Repeat as MN State Sprint Champion
*MN State Keirin champion
*Recognize that Chicken McNuggets are not "power food"

And I Can't Even Track Stand

Oh, Chianti

How I wish you tasted as good as you look.

Hooked Up

I spent most of this morning playing sled dog for two kids who clearly enjoyed the experience more than I did. That's a lotta work!

Shrimp and Peach Pizza

Seriously, it's a shrimp & peach pizza. The waitress convinced us to try it.

Believe it or not, it was actually quite delicious.

4 Years

I've been married to this classy little hottie for the best 4 years of my life. Here's to a million more.

E-Bay Q&A

As I mentioned, I'm selling some shit on e-bay. I've had a huge enflux of questions about the products, and most of them have been pretty good. Others...not so much.

[Polar Power Sensor]
Q: Is there not more to this "package" than the two items pictured?
A: Yes, all original accessories are included
Q: Do all the accessories come with it such as the 3 different derailleur bolts, rubber shims, magnets, etc?
A: Yes. I'm positive I just told you that.
Q: Is one of the bolts the #501030 for Shimano road derailleurs? There are 3 bolts that come originally. Two for Shimano (1 road bike and 1 mountain bike), and one for Campy.
A: I fucking told you that everything comes with it. What don't you understand?

Q: hello,by any chance this will work with cs 200 model or not thank you.
A: First of all, great use of the English language. Stellar. Secondly, it states in the auction exactly which head units it works with. Was the CS200 there? No? Weird...

[Speedplay X/2 Pedals]
Q: Are you prepared to post to UK?
A: Prepared? Sounds like something I should be afraid of. In that case, no.

[Zipp Disc]
Q: to france is good? if ye , how much?
A: To France is bad, mmmkay?

[Felt F1C Road Bike]
Q: what's your reserve for this bike? I am very interested in this bike
A: Have you ever used e-bay before? There's no reserve. Look at the GD auction. Clearly, you're interested in the bike, or you wouldn't have asked a stupid question.

Q: How much would you consider a buy-now?Very interested.
A: I'm going to let the auction run to completion.
Q: I've watched these bikes go way and not get paid for and relisted over and over.A bird in the hand was worth two in the bush.We will watch it play out.When they don't pay you,I will buy it cheap.
A: Fuck off, you blowhard.

Q: Would you accept a cashier's check?
A: Do you seriously not have PayPal? Fine, but you better not be from Nigeria.

Q: The description says "Please understand that this is a used bike. While it is in excellent condition, it is not perfect.". Would you elaborate?
A: Certainly. It's a used bike. The bike is in excellent (very good) condition, however it is not perfect. Does that make more sense?

Q: hi, have any of the bearings been replaced?
A: Did you seriously just ask that question?

Q: Hello: Are the wheels clinchers? Thanks.
A: Let me get this straight. You're looking at a top-of-the-line road bike, yet you don't know that Mavic Ksyriums (and Conti GP 3000's) are clinchers? Go to Target.

Think She'll Use It?

I have my doubts.

CycleOps Power Calculator - Platform Independent

Same functionality as before, but this one will work on your Mac (and PC for that matter).

Click here to download.

It Could Be Worse...

This is a naked mole rat. He's from Africa.

Always remember that no matter how hard life gets, at least you don't look like a penis with buck teeth.

I'm sorry, but that is a false statement.

Java is good. It is pure. It is stable. It gives long-haired developers a sense of superiority. It is not, however, in any way, designed for developer productivity.

Lost in Translation

Overheard at Caribou Coffee:

"Doesn't 'Dulce de Leche' mean 'Night of the Milk'? That's stupid!"

Actually, it means "milk candy", which is almost as stupid.

Movie Review Haikus

I don't get to watch movies very often, but every time I do they seem to disappoint me. Here's the most recent 5 movies I've seen:

Superbad:
By far the best since
Napoleon Dynamite
I am McLovin!

Alvin and the Chipmunks:
Really good for kids
Not terrible for adults
Good family fun

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry:
A little preachy
But I dig Adam Sandler
And that one fat guy

The Heartbreak Kid:
Ben Stiller, awesome.
Should be in every movie
He is funny shit.

Fractured
Anthony Hopkins
Is weird as usual but
Can't save this movie

Crap, that's me!

I'm sure this has been passed around before, and some people have seen it, but it's still funny.

You Know You Grew Up In the 80's if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on , was off"

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.

You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.

After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

You have ever played with a Skip-It.

You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

You remember watching both Gremlins movies.



You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.


You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

You know all the words to Bon Jovi -"Shot Through the Heart"
You just sang those words to yourself.

You still sing "We are the World"

You tight rolled your jeans.

You owned a bannana clip.

You remember "Where's the Beef?"

You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"