Tales of Loserdom

I severely underestimated how much people enjoy reading about me sucking at things. With that in mind, I'd like to point out some previous blog posts that many of you will get a kick out of.

• Nearly drowning in my first triathlon.
  
• Finishing DFL in the 2006 St. Cloud Crit
  
• Sucking it up in my first track race
  
• My first time gluing tubulars. Epic fail.
  
• My second "once-in-a-lifetime" surgery
  
• Ordering my skinsuit in the wrong size
  
• Being inappropriately loud
  

I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been.

Close Call

I nearly had to go into the office this morning when my Charter internet was down at home. Luckily, I got back online at the last minute, and I'm happily back in my jammies eating some Lucky Charms with the dog.

Ken Woods

The first road race I ever did was Ken Woods, in 2004 (or was it 2003? Whatever). If I didn't get dead last, I was certainly close to it.

Like most newbie racers, I was feeling pretty confident in my riding abilities. Hell, I'd owned a road bike for almost 6 months, I was practically a pro. When I got to the starting line, I noticed that I was the only one there with hairy legs and mountain bike shoes. Freaks. I'd show them.

Having very little experience drafting, I got my ass dropped almost immediately. WTF was going on? I was supposed to dominate! I fought my way back onto the pack, then was promtly dropped again. That was the last time I saw them.

It was me and some dude with a mullet off the back, and he dropped my ass on the hill. A friend who had come with me to watch the race was waiting for me at the top of the hill. "Dude, I thought you dropped out or something. They're like 10 minutes ahead of you." Thanks a lot, asshole.

Well, I figured quitting was more shameful than getting last, so I trucked on. Alone. 42 miles in just over 2 hours, and I thought I was going to perish out on the road.

Nowhere to go but up.

Weekly Spew

When I say "thank you", the proper response is not "ok".
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I don't eat 'dry' snack foods. No chips, crackers, or pretzels. I hate 'em.
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If you think something is funny, you don't have to say "OMG, that's SOOOOO funny!". Laughing will suffice.
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Today is 'Bring Your Child To Work Day' at my office. I've never seen such a bored looking group of kids. I guarantee every one of them has decided that they never want to work behind a desk.
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Do strippers have to take days off for their period?
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I saw Baby Mama on Friday night. It was pretty good, but it was missing one key ingredient: Ben Stiller.
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Booby Bobby Knight Quote: "Most people have the will to win, few have the will to prepare to win."
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I felt like a total spy last night. 007 shit.
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Just because someone is new to something does not mean their opinions should be dismissed. If we just do what we've always done nothing will ever change.

Uh, Spongebob?

I think you have a dildo on your head.

Thanks Ray

Good call on the girly drink.

Lazy Weekend

Ain't got shit to do.

Another One Bites The Dust

Isn't there a bottom bracket somewhere in the world that will last me more than 100 miles?

Why must I destroy everything I own?

Pretty Much The Greatest Day Of My Life

I don't remember the last time I got a postcard before today. Ray is boss. He also snapped a crankarm, so you know he's one bad MF'er.

One bad MF'er who sends postcards beeyotch!

Mounting Toes Straps on Dura Ace 7810 Pedals

Easy peasy. 2 small zip ties, no mods to the pedal itself. Once the strap is tight, the pedal body bears all the stress and the zip ties are relieved of duty.


Note that the double-straps have been cut in half. Only one is needed if you do it right. Plus, I can't fathom how to attach double-straps to these pedals.

Speedy Comes Through

Not only did Speedy hook me up with some bad-ass straps, but he showed me how to attach them to my Dura-Ace 7810 pedals.

Bounce Depot

This place is pretty cool. It's basically just a sea of inflatable bouncy things. A bit overpriced (a hooker would have been cheaper by the hour), but the kids enjoyed it. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let me jump.

Fixed Gear Death Trap

From Craigslist San Francisco:

Fixed Gear Death Trap
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Date: 2008-03-16, 6:33PM PDT

I'm selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you.

I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, 'My advice, get a new bike.' So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words 'death' or 'trap,' but I'm not!

The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It's rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car's bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted.

Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can't ride this bike with no hands. I'm expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you!

Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I'm skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I'll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror!

There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes.

But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn't count on it.

The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing.

Also, I don't remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you're riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there's some aspect of terror here.

The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off.

This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a 'time bomb.' Why? Because there's no track hub or cog. Actually, there's a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I've been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed.

I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we're in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that's only fair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

50 mpg

And it's infinitely cooler than any hybrid.

Weekly Spew

I'm getting to the age when a lot of my acquaintances are starting to get divorced. It's depressing as shit.
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A double bed and a full-size bed are the same thing.
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'All Natural' bread gets old and moldy in like 3 days. More preservatives, please!
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Rock of Love II is the single greatest show on TV. Possibly ever.
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Those polygamists are absolutely bat-shit crazy. I saw a couple of the women on the news this morning, and they look and sound like drones.
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I heard the most disgusting thing in the bathroom at work this morning. I'll spare you the details, but it involves a 400+ pound dude and (I'm guess) Mexican food. I was literally gagging, and I left the bathroom without washing my hands or buttoning my pants. Desperate times...
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I have an unhealthy obsession with Q-Tips.

Hello There...You're Looking Mighty Fine

Frame: Tiemeyer Signature Custom
Fork: Reynolds Carbon Track
Weels: Cane Creek Sprint 85
Tires: Tufo S3 Pro
Crankset: Shimano Dura-Ace
Pedals: Shimano Dura-Ace 7810
Stem: Thomson X4
Bars: Easton EC90 Track
Seatpost: Thomson Elite
Saddle: Fi:zi'k Arione

Note To Self:

Must be more diligent about diaper changing.

Ho.ly. S#1t.

Guess who's coming to the MN Fixed Gear Classic?

ROBERTO CHIAPPA beeeyotch!

Ya know, the guy who won the sprints the L.A. World Cup? One of the greatest tacticians to ever ride a bicycle? Yeah, THAT Roberto Chiappa.

For those of you who don't understand how HUGE this is, it's basically the equivalent of having Tom Boonen attend the Nature Valley Grand Prix.

We all owe JT a huge thanks for setting this up.

I personally plan to take some time off work to learn everything I can from the rider who has impressed me more than any other this year.

Weak

I didn't have allergies until I moved to the "big" city. You'd think that growing up on a farm where dust/mold/pollen are prevalent would have sparked something, but no.

I feel weak. Is it some sort of genetic weakness? A dietary deficiency? What the hell is going on? I can't imagine it's normal to develop allergies in your mid-20's.

Cancel My Subscription

This is the most pathetic attempt to appeal to the masses that I've ever seen. Fuckin' McDreamy on the cover of Bicycling? Get bent.

Black Hole

I can't figure it out. Every time I go to the track, I warm-up, do a 45-minute workout, get dressed, and find that I've somehow been there for 3 hours. It's like walking into a black hole where time doesn't exist. Anyone else have this problem? My wife loves it.

Yesterday's workout was great. I took the afternoon off and met Franz and JT at the track. I did 20 seated efforts, followed by a flying 200 and some jumps. The wind was swirling and wierd, but I was able to get over 65kph for the first time this year so I'm headed in the right direction.

Tomato Juice Doesn't Work

Guess who found a skunk last night?

Better Than Caribou?

Faster, cheaper, no nasty chocolate shavings, no tip jar. A+

I Love You

No, not YOU, Mr. Conceited. I'm talking to the Nutella.

You're Doing It Wrong

This is not how you fix a bloody nose.

Weekly Spew

I'm the best Googler I know
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I despise Cartoon Network.
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My wife and her friends got hit on by Mr. Biz of the Harlem Globetrotters on Sunday night.
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We've lost yet another babysitter who decided to get a real job. *Sigh*
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I just read that Herschel Walker has multiple personalities. That explains his stint with the Vikings...he was taken over by a personality that sucked at football.
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I spent most of yesterday evening trying to get my motorcycle running...then I flooded it so I gave up.
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I'm really glad I'm not racing at Opus tonight.
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The Mask was on TV yesterday. I had almost forgotten horrible Jim Carey is. Why does he keep getting work?

Dick!

I made the skinny kid at the sporting goods store carry these out to my car for me. He looked displeased.

Shit, for what they charge for these things, the kid shoulda done my workout for me.

The Magic Bullet

Ever since I started cycling, I've been searching for the Magic Bullet...the one thing that would make all the difference in my performance.

New bikes.

A lighter saddle.

New shoes.

Different cleats.

The latest fad supplements.

Carbon bars.

Aero wheels.

While all of this "stuff" helps (at least psychologically), none of them ever gave me that big boost to the next level.

Then, a wise old trackie (OK, I guess he's not that old) told me, "Just do the work, and the rest will come." Hmmm. What a concept.

Now, when I have a shitty workout, I don't fret over it. I put in the effort. The rest will come.

Try it.

Son Of A...

Have I mentioned that I break shit?

This one was caused by an unfortunate incident on the rollers...or should I say off the rollers.

Great Idea, Dipshit

The kids like going through the carwash, but they insist on going to the carwash with the "colors". Whoever designed multi-colored wax treatment knows how to market to kids.

Lucky for me, it's only available on the most expensive carwash, and the only gas station that has it is on the other side of town. Adding to the experience is the fact that I went through the carwash the day before we got 10 inches of snow. I should have just thrown $10 out the window on my way to work.

Also, this snow is bullshit.

Huh.

Wiener Schnitzel:

I didn't know this actually existed, or that it has nothing to do with wieners.

You Want Summa This?

Amazing

Look at these times from the recent UCI Track World Cup:

The top 10 riders are all within 0.158 seconds of each other, which is just a 1.5% difference. It amazes me that all these riders, all with their own unique styles and strengths, are grouped so closely together.

These guys are pushing the limits of what sports science and the human body can accomplish.

Weekly Spew

Occasionally, I get to listen to a group of uninformed women argue politics. It is at the same time annoying and hilarious.
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I learned today that April Fools Day originated in Germany. They don't strike me as an overly comical people.
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I own the world's shittiest garage door opener remote.
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I finally ponied up the $4.99/month to get unlimited texting on my cell phone. Now I can text like a teenage girl. Dreams can come true!
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Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, I get pissed at myself for drinking so much water before bed.
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People are always super cheerful at the post office. It really brightens my day to go there.
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It's WAY too early in the season for every cyclist I see to give me shit about my hairy legs. I'll get to it when I no longer need the extra insulation.
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The UCI Track World Cup videos on WCSN.com are impeding my work.

I'm A Huge Loser

Yes, I put a headset cap on my ergo, which does not have a headset. Because...why not?

It's Time For Another Episode...

...of 'Good Idea, Bad Idea'.

Good Idea: Playing a funny April Fools Day joke on a co-worker

Bad Idea: Making your co-worker cry by convincing him that he's going to get fired

So True.

This is the single most accurate assessment of new bloggers I've ever read.

"You’re just going to write five posts. The first will be a “hello world” post. The second will be a “the weirdest thing happened to me” post, and was the reason you started writing your blog in the first place. The third post will be a questionaire type post where you ask your nonexistant readers about something, because you’re praying that someone will answer. The fourth post will be a “not much happening today” post, the fifth post will be a “sorry I haven’t written in a while” post. There will be no sixth post. Commit to it or don’t do it."

[from soveryalone.com]

Top Secret Training/Crashing

The National Champion kicked the snow off the track so we could ride this morning. The things he does for us...

So I guess I get the honor of being the first rider to crash on the track this year.

The apron was still wet in one section, and I tried to go uptrack after riding through it, and my rear tire just slid out on me. Apparently wet, 2-year-old tires don't adhere well to Afzelia wood. I wasn't going very fast, and didn't get any splinters, but my pride is severely bruised and and I need to replace my shorts.

Me, looking uncharacteristically slow.

TNC

Franz

Little Graffiti Artist

Worth It

There are a lot of items in the cycling world that are overpriced. Then, there are the items that would be a bargain at twice the price.

Soon.

Rock Band

Holy Addictive, Batman!

Weekly Spew

No one ever smiles when they're running. People claim to love running...it's euphoric they say. If that's true, why do they always look so miserable?
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Someone always manages to piss all over the bathroom at my office. On the floor, on top of the urinal, on the wall...it's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure it's the contractors. One peed on my co-worker's foot yesterday.
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Hooters always sounds like I good idea until I actually get there. The service generally sucks and the food is decent at best.
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I wonder how much money it would take to get me to do a commercial for herpes medication. Or erectile dysfunction.
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Some days, I hate the internet.
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I have no tolerance for people who can't handle themselves then they're drunk.
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My dog didn't want to be out in the snow very long yesterday, so he crapped on the deck. Idiot.