Ode to My Stuff - Limericks

This is an ode to my favorite self-powered objects. They make life easier, and they make me happy. Limericks also make me happy. So does gin. And peanut butter cups. But I digress...

You help me blend my protein shake
Is there anything you cannot make?
You spin with high torque
So let's pop a cork
And toast to you with red wine and cake.

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There's a shitty camera built in my phone
So I can take pics all alone
Your quality sucks
And that is the crux
But I still wish that you had a clone.

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This is my Father's Day lamp
It'll kill me if I get it damp
It's unstable and falls
On my kids and the walls
But still it gets my approval stamp

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It may not look quite so great
But this oven here has speed bake
I can make a pizza
In half the time! Neatza!
It's beauty is too much to take

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This is my snowblower, Joe
He blows and he blows all my snow
Because shovels are stupid
And I'm thanking cupid
And hoping I don't lose a toe

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This little Ninja's the shit
It's small, so I cannot fit
But my kids are so bitty
That they can whip shitties
And my shins, they always do hit

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There once was a big old chest freezer
Whose capacity was a bit of a teaser
I bought an upright
Now I'm not uptight
I'm sitting here listening to Weezer

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I got this contraptions for free
So I can make awesome coffee
I get out the cream
When it starts to steam
And know that the first cup's for me

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This iPod station's way hot
It allows me to listen to Snot
My wife likes Norah Jones
But not when I'm home
Because I'd rather have a blood clot

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I can clean carpet or floor
It'll run 50 minutes or more!
It sucks up dog hair
While my neighbors just stare
So I kick their asses out the door

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This is my beautiful iBook
You can't touch, you can just look
Sometimes it shows porn
But don't get forlorn
It also taught me how to cook

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These have a great capacity
And clean clothes with tenacity
They fit double loads
Of all of my clothes
Their windows do not have opacity

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This here is my '83 Cycle
It used to belong to Michael
I'm lying, ho hum
I bought it from my mum
Of this moto I'm a disciple

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The Exploder's been with me forever
I'll get rid of it, probably never
It's got lots of miles
But still plenty of style
When driving it I feel so clever