Weekly Spew

This thing is no longer going to be called the "Weekly" Spew, since it won't necessarily be produced weekly anymore.
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I like to use catch-phrases incorrectly and see if anyone notices. Touché!
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If I get a good fortune in my cookie, I eat the fortune. Yeah, the paper. Those cookies taste like shit.
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The Vikings are totally going to suck again. What we need is a new coach.
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Similarly, my fantasy football team is going to suck again. Normally, sucking is such a beautiful thing...
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Every time I sell a bike on e-bay, at least 5 times a day someone asks me "Will this bike fit me?". I always say yes. If you're willing to spend several thousand dollars on a bicycle and you don't know what size you need, you deserve to be separated from your money.
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I once tried to quit swearing. It fucking sucked shit-ass-hell-cock balls.
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Ladies: if you have your thong sticking out 6" from your pants, guys are going to assume you put out. Show some freakin' class.
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A crow flew into the side of my car this morning when I was at a stop sign. What a retard. Honestly, who does that?
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Why do we always have to hear in celebrity interviews about how they are "in a good place" and have "learned to love" themselves. Shut the fuck up.
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One of my wife's good friends dated and even lived with the murderer in this story. Freaky shit.
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I don't remember eating peanuts yesterday, but something (Hehe!) tells me I did.
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I had a friend in college who got drunk and pissed all over his girlfriend's computer. Then he used a towel to clean it up, and threw the towel at her.
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A two-week-old poopy daiper smells like raw sewage (which, technically, I guess it is).